Am I good in bed?

Don’t act like you don’t want to know. Everyone wants to know. It’s just like that desperate need to hear what people say about you the minute after you walk out of a room, or what your teacher said in all of those parent-teacher conferences. Except it’s worse, because this time, it involves your naked bits.

Nobody wants to be bad at sex. Depending on how important sex is to you, your sexual prowess is fairly closely tied to your self-esteem and confidence. And for the typical college student, it’s pretty much the most important thing in the world. Who cares if we have jobs or Social Security as long as we’re getting laid?

So if it’s so crucial, how can you tell if you’re doing it right? It seems like everyone has a different theory, from the ability to hold eye contact to clothing choices. I personally have decided, without any scientific evidence whatsoever, that Justin Timberlake is good in bed. This has nothing to do with his music — it’s just my own certainty, and it’s no more ridiculous than assuming a guy who talks quickly or stumbles over words sometimes has a problem making it to the starting line.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a multiple-choice test you can take to determine your bedroom skills. You can’t exactly hand your partner an evaluation form and ask them to fill it out before they leave in the morning. Short of asking them point-blank or IMing them a few days later with questions (hasn’t happened to me, but I’ve heard stories), you’re not going to get a summary. Even asking might not get you an honest answer — if people are willing to fake orgasms to protect their partner’s ego, why couldn’t they tell a little verbal white lie, too?

The basic problem even with the idea of being “good” at sex is that it’s not like being good at calculus or swimming. Unlike those admirable pursuits, sex isn’t an individual sport. Despite your best efforts, every time will not be the same, because every partner isn’t the same. You can have fantastic sex with one person and a mediocre experience with someone else, even if you’re doing the same things. The importance of chemistry can’t be discounted — you just work better with some people than others.

Call me?

It’s true that experience is usually the best way to improve your sexual ability and knowledge. Like any other hobby, practice gets you just a little closer to perfect. But, like size, experience isn’t everything. Because when it comes to sex, the ability to make the other person scream your name in eight different languages isn’t just about specific techniques or movements.

What’s more important is your attitude toward the sex. If you start with the right mindset, you’re going to learn pretty quickly what works. You know how they say that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone? They ain’t kidding. Your brain’s going to help you improve in bed much more than ExtenZe ever will. So before you start worrying about memorizing the Kama Sutra, take a second and make sure you’re still thinking with the right head:

• Wake up! The simplest way to be bad in bed is not to pay attention to the other person. Yes, it seems obvious, but it’s pretty easy to forget in the moment, when you’ve got other things (or nothing) on your mind. Still, this is the easiest and most effective way to improve your sexytime. Watch your partner. See what they respond to. Let them tell you what they like — either aloud or non-verbally. Think of it this way: Being good at sex is kind of like being a detective, except this time you’re looking for reactions, not Carmen Sandiego.
• Be open to new things. Don’t assume that what works for one person is automatically guaranteed for someone else. Your last hookup might have been the lights-off-under-the-covers-missionary kind, but maybe your new partner would rather have you handcuff them to the fridge and put ice cubes in their clavicle. You don’t know, but finding out is really the fun part. An open mind is sexy; being predictable isn’t.
• Figure out your motives. Sometimes you just really need to blow off some steam. That’s fine, but you’re not going to astonish anyone if you go into their room with the mindset of “I just want to get laid.” If you don’t have any higher expectations than that, then you probably won’t be disappointed, but don’t expect anything amazing if you’re just doing it so you can brag to your friends tomorrow about what happened after you left the Deuce.
• Act like you’re interested. This. Should. Not. Be. Difficult. It really shouldn’t. You’re having sex, for god’s sake. This is especially important for girls to keep in mind; a huge complaint from guys is that sometimes the girl will just lie there like a tipsy little blow-up doll. This is not hot.
The worst case scenario is that you end up looking silly, and even if that happens, you’re still having sex.
• Take initiative. This is a team activity, and it’s unfair to ask one person to do all the work. It is actually impossible to be decent at sex if you treat it like your own personal episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen. If you want to do something, do it. Get on top. Pull your partner into an abandoned classroom in Kresge (but not the one where I have class! I have to sit in those seats!). Tell them in astonishing detail what you’re going to do to them. There’s nothing to lose, guys. The worst case scenario is that you end up looking silly, and even if that happens, you’re still having sex. There’s really no bad way for this to end.
• Know what you like. Just because you’re paying close attention to your partner (We haven’t forgotten that one yet, right?) doesn’t mean you should forget about yourself. If you can tell your partner how to please you, you’ll be way more into the sex, which will (hopefully) make you want to figure out how to please them. Plus, they’ll feel better and more confident about their own abilities.
• Oh, and people? Stop taking yourselves so seriously. Sex is not serious. Sex is funny, and awkward, and sometimes clumsy. It’s great, but it is a pretty silly thing when you think about it. So do think about it. There’s nothing wrong with being able to laugh at the situation, as long as the other person doesn’t think you’re laughing at them or their inability to figure out the intricacies of how bras unhook. If you can’t giggle at yourself, you probably have bigger things to worry about than your bedroom skills. Like where you misplaced your sense of humor.

Wait! Put down the calendar and back away from the chastity belt. Maybe we don’t have to give it up after all. Apparently middle-schoolers got something right — it turns out seven minutes might be all we really need.

Time flies…in bed. Photo by inocuo on Flickr.com, licensed under Creative Commons.

A study published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine surveyed members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research and asked them to rate the amount of time that heterosexual intercourse should last (dividing lengths of time into “too short,” “adequate,” “desirable” and “too long”). But that’s easy! I know that one! The answer is “forever”, am I right?

Well, actually, no. The results looked a little more like this:

• 1-2 min was determined to be “too short”
• 3-7 min was “adequate”
• 7-13 min was “desirable”
• and 10-30 min was “too long”

Before we all fall over in shock or start making ‘that’s what she said’ jokes about the categories, there are a couple of things to keep in mind about this survey. The first is, obviously, that it doesn’t include anything about same-sex couples: it’s all about penis and vagina. This isn’t discrimination; according to Dr. Eric Corty, who led the survey, the choice was made to focus on heterosexual couples because they’re the majority and so there’s more information available. Okay, fine, but I do think that including same-sex couples would have been interesting.

Second: The seven minutes in the survey does not include foreplay. The study isn’t discouraging foreplay; it just keeps its focus only on intercourse. This doesn’t mean you should apply this to real-life situations. Because, let’s be serious, unless you only have seven minutes until the cops break down the door and drag your partner off to prison, you’re probably not skipping straight from sitting down in front of the TV to making the beast with two backs. And, more importantly, why would you want to? Foreplay is awesome. It should not be forgotten. Ever.

The study may not say anything about foreplay, but it does raise some extremely important points. Most people do have certain expectations about how long sex is “supposed” to last — or at least how short it shouldn’t be. Yet, at some point, most of us have also had an overwhelming incident with chocolate cake or Halloween candy that proved once and for all that there can be too much of a good thing.

“People who have the idea it should last 30 or 60 minutes are doing themselves a detriment,” said Corty, a clinical psychologist at Penn State Erie. “It’s just not comfortable after a while. Every good thing must come to an end.”

Corty said that he decided to conduct the study simply out of curiosity. He said he had always been interested in knowing the answer to this question and figured other people would be interested as well. Yet it’s more than an issue of interest. It’s about our health and, really, our happiness.

In our health-obsessed society, you can find (often contradictory) information on the best or right way to do almost anything. There are nutritional labels everywhere, individually-tailored workout plans and the government is even stepping in in some places to stop us all from getting so fat. Yet when it comes to sexual health, the amount of misinformation floating around is ridiculous. The point is, if this is what health professionals are saying, it should not be news.

But most people who have heard about these results (myself included), have been surprised, to say the least. It doesn’t fit at all with our concept of what sex “should” be like. Which begs the question: where exactly is that “should” coming from? Where did we all get the idea that sex isn’t good sex unless it lasts for two hours and someone pulls a muscle?

Dr. Corty isn’t quite sure. “I’ve thought about where the message comes from, and I couldn’t give you a definite answer,” he said. “I blame the media, to a certain extent. But the media’s not just making it up by itself. It has to come from somewhere.”

Dr. Mary-Lou Galician, a media literacy advocate, author and head of Media Analysis and Criticism at Arizona State University, is more willing to condemn the media directly. “Mass media does create or at least help support and foster unrealistic expectations,” she said. “These expectations lead to a general lowering of one’s happiness and standards.”

According to Galician, mass media tends to portray sex as something that is both easy and wonderful every time. Look, we all know better. Nothing is perfect, and certainly nothing is perfect all the time, especially not something so dependent on human error as sex. Everyone’s had at least one bad experience; maybe you were too drunk to enjoy what was going on, or realized halfway through that this person really wasn’t that attractive and totally lost interest. Maybe your partner had no idea what they were doing and you were too tired or didn’t know them well enough to try to fix it.

“The media normalizes for us many behaviors that are not normal,” she said. “Some of them are downright stupid for real people to follow or model. But people do, because they make it seem so normal.”

That’s the real problem here. We have these totally unrealistic ideas of what is supposed to be happening in bed, and when these things inevitably don’t happen, we feel like we’re doing something wrong. We’re setting ourselves up for a lifetime of disappointment and perceived inadequacy. I know most of us at Northwestern are crazy perfectionists, but there are some regions (like the ones in your pants) where you need to let go of that need to do everything just so. Especially when your ideas are actually, scientifically wrong.

“There is this impression, this myth that men always have rock-hard penises and last all night long,” says Corty. “To the extent you buy into that myth, you’re bound for disappointment. Things almost never work out that way.”

This doesn’t mean you have to go into sex expecting to be disappointed — it’s just that we need to be more realistic about our expectations. And it’s not like trying to force things to last longer than they should is the only (or even a good) way to improve your sex life. You know what does make sex much better and more fulfilling, though? No, you can’t get it from one of those strange emails in vaguely imaginary foreign languages, and it doesn’t involve two claw-footed bathtubs on a mountain. It’s called talking to your partner. This isn’t “The Talk“, so don’t get scared. It’s just basic communication, and a lot of us tend to forget about it or be too shy to say anything — which, as Galician points out, is totally ridiculous.

“We have this idea that we shouldn’t have to say or explain [to our partner] what we like, because you rarely see or hear that in the media,” she says. “But in reality, different people like different things. If you’re embarrassed to speak to your partner, how are you ready to get undressed and share body fluids with them?”

Seriously. You may not be ready to break out the dirty talk, and that’s fine, but at least have the confidence to tell your partner that nibbling on your ear isn’t sexy — it’s just wet. And stop thinking that just because James Bond can please a lady while hanging upside-down from a helicopter for three hours, you can too.

“We have to focus on critical thinking about the portrayals that people may be operating on,” says Galician. “Ignorance is never bliss. Ignorance only leads to more ignorance, and not knowing things does not keep people from doing things.”

We all have to learn from our mistakes at some point, but there’s no reason to create false expectations that we don’t need and can’t fulfill. It’s just going to make us unhappy in the long run.

“I’m hoping we can get the information out and it becomes part of human sexuality,” says Corty. “People can stop rolling their eyes when they find out, and start to realize that it’s normal.”

This information isn’t going to ruin anyone’s sex life. In fact, it’ll probably improve sex (or at least the satisfaction level) for a lot of people. It’s nice to know that you’re not doing something wrong.

And it doesn’t mean you have to settle for that seven-minute quota, either. After your seven-to-thirteen minutes are up, there’s no reason why you can’t wait a few minutes and then do it again.

But there’s a problem here, and it’s not sleep deprivation. Back on March 11, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report that found that one in four teenage girls has an STI. One out of every four. That’s 2.5 players on a lacrosse team, one between your room and the room next door, and at least one cast member of High School Musical. And we don’t even know about the boys yet.

How did this happen? We’re smart. We’re supposed to know about these kinds of things. We have sex education, right?

Well, sort of. But it’s not working. That same report also found that neither the 66 percent of classrooms teaching comprehensive sex-ed, nor the 25 percent teaching abstinence-only, are having a significant effect on reducing those numbers. Not to mention that once you graduate from high school (or, at my public school, once you were above sophomore year), it seems to be assumed that you know all there ever is to know about sex, health and safety, and you’ll never have to be reminded again. But by now, years since, all we remember from high school sex ed is that the rhythm method doesn’t work and that condoms are really fun to flick across the room at each other.

About two weeks ago, John McCain tried to convince Americans that Barack Obama wants to teach kindergartners about sex. With the presidential candidates casting an ever-wider net of topics to snipe at each other about, you had to know it would get to sex eventually. Unfortunately, sex education is more than just a talking point to wave in front of reactionary voters.

How America messed up

So this must be an international catastrophe, right? Kids these days are screwing like rabbits, so it’s no wonder they all have HPV, no? And what about Europe? They’re running around on topless beaches, giving wine to their kids and legalizing prostitution. They must have like, seven STIs each!

Wrong. As of 2001, the gonorrhea rate of American teens (age 15-19) was more than 74 times higher than that of the Netherlands or France, and the HIV rate was more than three and five times higher, respectively. And that’s not even counting the pregnancy rate (nine times higher than the Netherlands, almost four times greater than France). These numbers are still going up, and that’s no accident. This isn’t because European kids don’t have sex, or because they have herpes-resistant vaginas. This is about education, and knowing the information you need to stay safe. It’s statistics like this that show just how badly we need ads like this sex-ed PSA from Belgium (hint: that’s not Listerine in her mouth).

Ads like this one are common in European countries. The governments support and sponsor widespread, long-term public education campaigns that use as many forms of media and avenues of influence as possible, from billboards to web sites to the pharmacies where people buy their condoms. The ads are funny and direct and, more importantly, they’re everywhere, instead of hidden in the back pages of magazines and the 1–3 a.m. time slot on Bravo.

One of the most notable examples of an ad campaign affecting sexual health and habits took place in Uganda between the late ‘80s and mid-’90s when the ABC (Abstain, Be faithful, use Condoms) dramatically lowered HIV rates in the country, from 15 percent in 1991 to 5 percent in 2001. Similar campaigns implemented in Zambia, Jamaica, Cambodia and several other nations have also seen infection rates fall. The general consensus among Ugandans and foreign analysts is that the combination of the ABC campaign and a widespread, media-based message portraying HIV prevention as an issue of national importance and civic duty, all significantly helped bring about this change.

So if these kinds of campaigns work, why don’t we have them on this side of the pond?

The recent push for abstinence education here is a huge reason. Throughout the Bush administration’s tenure, abstinence education has been promoted both here and in the anti-AIDS programs we sponsor in Africa. Programs such as Be The One send the message that “sex is a wonderful thing when it is in the proper context of a healthy, faithful, committed marriage.” And they’re right. There is nothing wrong with teaching abstinence as part of sex ed. It’s still the only way absolutely not to get pregnant or contract an STI.

Abstinence is great, if you can pull it off. The problem is that most Americans can’t. Seventy-four percent of us have had sex before age 20; and by the time we get married, 95 percent have done the deed. So while abstinence is great to teach, there ain’t a whole lot of it going on.

And even if people aren’t actually having intercourse, they aren’t staying locked in their room reading the Bible, either. Twenty-four percent of teenage boys and 22 percent of girls who haven’t had sex have had oral sex.

But we’re still not taking action

“While abstinence is a public health message that we can all support, it cannot be the only message,” reads a February 5, 2004, press release from Theresa Raphael, executive director of the National Coalition of STD Directors. “Public health officials are obligated to dwell in the real world and support an approach…that reflects how Americans actually live.”

Adapting our classes to focus on comprehensive health-based education is an important step, but it won’t solve all of our problems. If we’re going to fix anything, we need to also change the practices of mass-media venues in sexual health campaigns.

Until just a few years ago, major television networks would only air condom ads late at night, when they assumed no children were watching. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been watching football and baseball since I was about six years old, and those same networks have no qualms about showing seventy zillion Viagra, Cialis and other dirty-old-man-drug commercials during games (not to mention all the half-naked chicks selling beer). I think most young American sports fans find out about erectile dysfunction before we even master long division.

Even when stations did begin to show condom ads, it was still within or after the prime-time window: after 9 or 10 p.m. Remember that Trojan “evolve” ad from last year — the one where the pig turned into Local Bar Hottie of the Year after he bought a condom? Fox and CBS both refused to air it, even late at night. Why? There was no nudity, no sex (except for maybe the implied kind) and nothing even nearly as horrifying as My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé.

Fox’s reasoning, in a written statement to Trojan, was that “contraceptive advertising must stress health-related uses rather than the prevention of pregnancy.” Funny, because the ad didn’t say anything about either pregnancy or diseases. In fact, the only words in it came at the end: “Evolve. Use a condom every time.”

And that seems like a pretty good message. The truth is that there aren’t any laws banning or even regulating condom advertising during primetime; the networks just don’t want to show them because they’re afraid of a backlash from viewers.

This is just irresponsible, plain and simple. Promoting and educating people (not just teenagers) about ways to keep themselves safe is beneficial to our collective welfare and therefore to our economy, our health care system (or lack thereof) and our society. Our government should be fully aware of this and follow the example of those European countries, instead of throwing $176 million annually at abstinence-only programs that don’t work. Our television networks and other media outlets should stop finding poor reasons to avoid showing condom ads when the content of their own programs and even other commercials is consistently more racy. Because letting one quarter of American teenage girls (and who knows how many boys) go through class, hockey practice and prom with an STI is not okay. We as a culture need to stop pretending that sex doesn’t happen and start treating our young people like potential solutions instead of problems.

Oh, and that study I mentioned at the beginning — want to know why nobody in the news covered it? There was this little scandal going on involving the governor of New York and a hooker. Gotta love the irony. Just more proof that sex sells — except when you’re trying to talk about sex.

Yes, it’s the college hook-up, that little hobby that still has the grown-ups just shocked (shocked!) and terribly concerned for our emotional well-being. Maybe they’re right, and this is going to destroy our ability to ever form meaningful relationships and we’ll all die alone and unloved, surrounded by cats. But probably not.

The truth is, as we get older, sex simply loses a bit of its currency (kind of like our economy right now, yeah?). Casual hook-ups don’t mean we’re all emotionless robots, but they do take a little getting used to, especially in the first year at college.

Older, wiser and less attached

It just wasn’t like this in high school, at least not for most of us. Dating meant you put someone’s initials in your AIM profile, right next to a cute little heart and the date, two weeks ago, that you decided marked the beginning of your relationship. It’s not that sex didn’t happen when we were all impressionable little pieces of jailbait, but there was a lot less of it, and it usually happened for a reason other than “I was drunk and didn’t feel like walking home from North Campus at 3 a.m.”

“When you’re in high school, you’re still just playing,” says Laura Sessions Stepp, the author of Unhooked, a book about young women’s attitudes toward sex and love in our newfangled hookup culture. “You’re not as likely to have actual intercourse. In college, the hookup scene becomes more about intercourse, and you’ll get there more quickly.”

Hundreds of movies have tried to convince us that the high school years are the time in a young man or woman’s life when they cash in that V-card. This is sometimes true, but it’s not as common as you might think: According to a 2007 study by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 48 percent of high school students have had sex. Though this number climbs to more than half by senior year, Stepp says that the majority of these kids still probably haven’t done the deed more than a few times. For most of them, it’s still a big deal.

But like any good Christmas present, the novelty of hooking up wears off eventually. You don’t cover your notebooks with hearts and the initials of the person who swapped spit with you last weekend. It’s just not that important anymore. It’s still the age of experimentation, of course — it’s just that the experiment has changed from “will she let me take her pants off?” to “would she be okay with a threesome?”

“High school groups tend to do a lot of heavy making-out or oral sex, but college kids will wake up, put on some pajama bottoms and walk home across the freshman dorm,” says Stepp. “You do it more, too, and that’s where dealing with emotions can start to come into play and it becomes more problematic.”

More work, less action

Another difference about college is simply the amount of time available to develop emotional connections with people. Sure, in high school, most of us were presidents of fifteen clubs and played seven varsity sports just so we could get into this illustrious institute of higher education. But we still had time to watch bad movies at our friends’ houses and drive around at night for lack of anything else to do. This doesn’t happen nearly as often at a college where time is usually our enemy.

It’s not just us, though. A 2007 study by the University of Washington found that college freshmen have less sex on average than people of the same age who aren’t attending college. If you were looking to get laid every night, maybe you shouldn’t have taken the SATs that fourth time.

“This generation of middle-class, upper-middle-class college students is occupied with so many different activities,” says Stepp. “Becoming attached means giving some time over to that person. If you’ve got papers to write and meetings, who has time for a deep attachment? The business of your lives makes you believe that you can’t afford it.”

But hey, independence is cool, man. We don’t need anybody and we don’t need to depend on anybody. It’s our bodies, our lives, and we can do what we want with them, right?

Well, yeah. But also no. It’s true that one goal of the college years is growing up, finding out who you really are, and sex can be a big part of that for many of us. The idea of exploring, understanding and owning your own sexuality, however you define it, is crucial to having a comfortable and healthy attitude toward sex and, often, toward yourself. But this exploration shouldn’t compromise your decisions or judgment.

“Freshmen, especially girls, want to meet a lot of people and they don’t want to get attached immediately,” Stepp says. “That’s fine, but if this is still your M.O. by the end of freshman year and you’re still searching for people to be friends with, it becomes a habit of being detached from other people.”

Stepp’s book came out in 2007, and is available on Amazon for $16.47.

Maybe you truly aren’t looking for a relationship, and if you’re aware of that and honest about it, great. You don’t have to fake emotions that aren’t there. You don’t need to care about their favorite band, or spend the whole day cuddling in bed. Just take a minute to think before you send that booty-call text. Ask yourself why you only feel comfortable seeing this person after a few drinks at the Keg, or why you’re always so scared of running into his or her roommate in the hallway.

Have fun, but make sure you’re doing things that you enjoy, and that you’re doing them because you want to, and not because the cool kids are doing it. After all, we’re at Northwestern. None of us were cool in high school — even the ones who were getting laid.

“You have to know yourself and what you can handle,” Stepp says. “Just think about what’s going to happen afterwards, and remember that. Listen to yourself, instead of what everyone else is doing. Tune into what feels right for you.”

With blow-jobs finally becoming more accepted by the public, it’s a wonder these scenarios continue to occur. In the world of Northwestern, where your best is never quite good enough, why not apply the perfectionist attitude to the art of fellatio? Taking a few hints on simple blowjob etiquette will only help you make the grade.

Tips for Gentlemen

No thrusting the pelvis or pulling on her head. Would you want someone grabbing you by your hair as they continuously ram a hard, six-inch object down your throat? Didn’t think so. She is not your masturbation tool. As long as she’s down there, this is her show and her time to shine. Respect that and let her do that awesome thing she does.

Tell her when you are about to come. No matter what Soulja Boy says, you cannot super soak dat ho, especially if you’re catching her completely off-guard. Even if you’re totally caught up in how awesome she’s making you feel, at least give her that open mouth, head-thrown-back, limp-handed nudge on her shoulder to let her know it’s a few seconds until blast-off. Girls should also be observant of his body language, in case he forgets to let you know. Said one guy, “If I’m clenching my butt, that means something’s going on.” Also look for clenched fists and/or a sudden stiffening of his penis.

Don’t force her to swallow. To spit or to swallow: It’s the age-old blowjob question. “I wouldn’t want my semen in my mouth,” said one guy. Well, neither do a lot of girls — especially beginners. The taste and texture of ejaculate in the mouth can be highly unpleasant, making spitting a very common practice amongst girls who venture below the belt.

However, swallowing makes for a much more self-contained mess than spitting. Some guys see spitting as unattractive or just plain rude. Many girls will admit that after some practice, swallowing really isn’t that bad. “It’s like taking a shot,” said one Northwestern student. “Just do it quick and don’t let it touch your taste buds on the way down.” But if your girl simply won’t swallow, respect her choice and move on. And girls — if you don’t know his history, save yourself this entire debate (and a potential STI) and use a condom.

Don’t be a jerk about kissing her afterwards. There are nice guys who kiss girls after getting head, and then there are assholes who stand over girls Nazi-style to ensure each tooth gets brushed before any further lovemaking occurs. These guys don’t want their own dick in their mouth. Understandable. But, as one girl put it, “I’m putting it in my mouth. If he wants me to continue doing that he shouldn’t have a problem with kissing me after.” While girls usually do not expect a full-on makeout after giving head, a peck on the lips would be nice after all she’s done for you.

Hints for Ladies

Use everything yo mama gave ya. Remember your class Halloween party in second grade, when the teacher brought in a tub of water and everyone took turns bobbing for apples with their hands behind their backs? That wasn’t Blow-Jobs 101. Make sure to use your hands.

Use your tongue – there is nothing worse than an abrasive blow-job that’s drier than the Sahara. And of course, using your eyes to glance up at him every now and then is always good, too.

Engage the entire package. There are several different parts at work in the male pelvic region. Make sure you don’t miss any.

Region A: The testicles. Ever wonder why guys are so protective of the family jewels? It’s because they’re super-sensitive, especially when he’s is sexually aroused.

Region B: The penis. Most guys understand that an entire shaft cannot fit into a girl’s mouth without choking her. However, neglecting the parts your mouth can’t reach is a huge turn-off for guys. Girls should try moving their hands up and down on the shaft in harmony with the up-and-down movements of their mouth — most guys appreciate the added sensations.

Region C: The coronal ridge of the penis, or the part where the shaft meets the head. The underside of the penis is highly sensitive in this region, and should be gently kissed or licked during head.

Region D: The perineum, or the area right behind his balls near the anus, which is home to countless nerve-endings crying out to be touched.

In engaging all of these parts, though, just remember to be gentle and fondle him, rather than squeeze him to the point of pain. As one guy put it, “Some girls think they’re in a craps game and think they’re rolling dice with my testicles.” Don’t be that girl.

No biting. Do. Not. Ever. Use. Your. Teeth.

Do not be repetitive and boring. They say variety is the spice of life, and blowjobs are no exception to the rule. “It shouldn’t be like you’re just dribbling a basketball,” said a Northwestern blowjob enthusiast. “You want to cross over, go behind the back, change it up a little.” Alternate between sucking and licking, fast and slow, hard and soft. Bring him almost to the point of orgasm then slow it down just to tease him. He will hate you at the moment, but in the end he’ll be thankful.

Have fun! “If you can have a good time with it and actually want to do it, then you’re gonna be good at it,” said a Northwestern sophomore. The key to an awesome blow-job is not some crazy skill or the world’s most flexible tongue; it’s the mindset you both go in with.

Sex Position of the Week: Lock ‘n’ Load

Have her lie flat on her stomach, hands at her sides with her head on a pillow. Position yourself so that you are face-down on top of her, one arm and one leg at each of her sides. Raise her pelvis upwards and enter her from behind. Prop yourself up on your elbows so that you are not putting your full body weight on top of her. At this angle, your penis will directly stimulate her g-spot with each thrust.

Towel
You know all those episodes of Room Raiders on MTV where they shine blacklights over people’s beds and find pools of dried-up body fluids? Don’t let this happen to you. Hopefully you’ll be doing your laundry soon, but do you really want to sleep with that in the time being? Didn’t think so. Put a towel down before it starts to rain. It’s a super-easy clean-up, and some towels come so cheap that you can even throw them away when you’re done. Especially if she’s got her period, a simple hand towel is a Toolbox “must.”

Vibrator
Only a small percentage of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Help alleviate this unfortunate situation by utilizing a basic vibrator. No, it doesn’t mean that your penis is inadequate or that your fingers are rubbing her the wrong way (though actually, they might be, but that’s another story). The modern age is full of nifty technological wonders, and the vibrator is one of them. Even the most basic ones usually come with a couple different settings to control intensity and speed of vibrations. A guy can use it on a girl or he can kick back and watch her use it on herself. And ladies, if there’s no man in your life, a good vibrator is all you need. Just remember to stock up on batteries!

H2O
They say sex is the best exercise you can get… do your body a favor and keep it hydrated. Also useful to wash away that less-than-pleasant taste in your mouth.

Gum, breath mints or mouth wash
Tons of guys and girls refuse to get within five miles of their partner’s breath after he or she goes down on them. Always, always keep some breath mints or Listerine strips on hand to cure your vag- or penis-breath after oral sex. A bonus: ever notice the “curiously strong mint” bit scrawled across the top of your Altoids tin? Well, the reason why ain’t so curious –- the peppermint oil in Altoids and many other breath fresheners contains menthol, which creates a cooling or tingling sensation in the mouth. This same sensation can be used to pleasure your partner when you go down on them. Skilled playas and lovers alike know to keep poppin’ the mints before, during and after the entire love-sesh.

Oral sex mints
The folks at Egor’s Dungeon on Belmont Avenue recommended Adam & Eve Go Deep Oral Sex Mints specially for Northwestern students. In addition to creating the same awesome cooling and tingling sensations of your average breath mints, oral sex mints contain the mildly numbing ingredient benzocaine. Benzocaine “numbs the throat muscles, suppressing the gag reflex so she can take in more,” as the container explicitly states. No word yet on whether these actually work… but any testers should kindly share their results.

Lotion
For the lonely folks. Goes hand-in-hand with… your hands.

A swimming pool full of hot, slippery lube
Sometimes, no matter how hot you’re making him or how horny you’ve got her, the juices simply aren’t flowing like they should. Imagine Superman flying in through your bedroom window, here to save your sex life –- only instead of Superman, it’s a bottle of lube. Ta-da! Problem solved. Generic lubes are good for body massage, hand jobs and fingering. However, they don’t exactly taste like peaches, so if you need some wetness for oral sex or general licking and kissing of the body, flavored lube is your best bet. Sex Tarts lubes come in fun, sassy packaging and are yummier than yummy. A word of warning: never use oil-based lubes like Vaseline or hand lotion with condoms! The oil will dissolve the condom, so make sure to use water-based lubes specifically designed for penetrative sex.

Kleenex
Stop using your bedsheets, the corner of your pillow or your dirty t-shirts as Kleenex and buy a box. They are convenient, disposable, simple, cheap, absorbent, dependable, comforting, there to help you when you’re in a sticky spot… kind of like your best friend (minus the cheap and disposable part, hopefully).

Male enhancement cream
While I lack the anatomy to try this out, and doubt I’ll find someone who will ‘fess up to having used it, the package claims it’s guaranteed to make your member harder, better, faster, stronger for longer.

Condoms
Condoms are your desert-island item. It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable he says they are or if he “promises, promises to pull out” — if you aren’t planning on getting an STI or breeding a whole generation of Mini-Mes, wrap it up. Luckily, condoms come in more sizes, flavors and varieties than Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. For guys who can’t stand the feel of a condom, Tony Randees at Egor’s Dungeon on Belmont Avenue recommends Kimono brand micro-thin condoms, which are so thin you won’t even know it’s there (check to make sure!). There are also many flavored condoms and dental dams on the market. Note: most are meant for oral sex only, because the sugars in many flavored condoms can leave girls with a nasty yeast infection. But both Trustex Tastee’s and Durex Colors and Scents are a-ok for vaginal sex. So know your options, and don’t be a fool: cover your tool.

Hair ties
Are you tired of going in for a kiss and coming away with a mouthful of hair? Are you sick of waiting the entire five seconds for your partner to move her hair out of the way while she’s giving you head? If so, a hair tie is the ideal solution for you. Girls with long hair should always, always have these on hand. Guys looking to fill their little black books should have them on hand, too — just don’t wear them on your wrist. That makes you an asshole.

Hand sanitizer
For those times when you just don’t know where they’ve been, Germ-X kills 99.99 percent of germs.

Candles
If you’re looking to create a romantic atmosphere, there’s no better way to do this than with candles. Just remember your lighter!

A sex game (or two or three or ten)
One of the dangers of too much sex (can you imagine?) is getting stuck in the rut of using that one guaranteed-to-get-us-both-off position every time. Invest $5 in a set of position playing cards. Nerve.com even makes a daily sex position calendar, so you can bang in a whole new way, every day.

Asshole: Hey, you wanna give me a blow job?
Girl: No, it makes me gag.
Asshole: Come on, give me a blow job. It’ll be fun!
Girl: NO. It. makes. me. gag. and. hurts. my. throat.
Asshole: Oh, come on, you’re just not open to things.
Girl: Fine, if you eat me out, I’ll give you a blow job.
Asshole: Ew, never mind.

Blow jobs are the epitome of our hook-up culture. On the “List of Things to Do with the Rando You Met at The Keg,” the blow job comes in second (closely following the make-out sesh), while cunnilingus, the blow job’s mystery-shrouded twin, comes in sorry last. The worst part? How ingrained this unfair double standard is in our college hook-up culture, almost like we’ve accepted the disparity as fact.

The vast majority of women need at least some clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, which can be greatly helped by oral stimulation. The clitoris is full of nerve endings: it contains even more than a penis. A significant portion of the college-aged female population has never experienced an orgasm — an idea completely unfathomable to most guys.

Men are full of excuses for not wanting to pay lip service to women: It’s icky. It’s smelly. It’s messy. It doesn’t taste good. Toughen up, bitch. A little tonsil hockey south of the border never hurt anybody.

Why do guys expect to receive but refuse to give? For one thing, cunnilingus carries a stigma. It is almost completely absent from mainstream movies (and “mainstream” excludes Lesbian Dreams, mind you). When it does happen, it’s apparently a big freaking deal, and guys think they deserve a big ol’ pat on the back for their sacrifice. Um, no. You’re still in much debt to the female population– there’s absolutely no reason going down on a girl should be treated differently than going down on a guy.

Guys’ hesitance to give can be chalked up to human anatomy. The penis is a simple tool, and most males are perfectly comfortable with it. But the vagina (or, more correctly, the vulva) is so complex that many women don’t completely understand it. And though most guys will never admit it, the cooter freaks ‘em out.

According to one Northwestern sophomore I spoke to, cunnilingus is a much more intimate practice than your everyday blow job, and it is a rare occurrence outside of long-term relationships. “It requires a certain amount of trust that isn’t going to be there if this is just a hook-up,” he said. Is this truly the case, or another of many bullshit excuses to be lazy?

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of guys who “love licking the V” and “love making it all about the woman,” as they told me. God bless your little hearts. One guy said, “I just prefer to see that the girl is enjoying what I’m doing to her.” There should be more of these guys on earth.

Some guys don’t mind giving oral sex, but their lack of opportunities to do so stems from their lady partners’ own self-consciousness. The only thing getting in their way is female insecurity.

For gals who may be tongue-shy down there: Yes, you smell. Get over it. You are only human, and no amount of feminine products or douching can change it. But penises aren’t all flowers and rainbows either, and this isn’t about achieving a porn star-like level of superficial perfection. There are plenty of ways to make the occasional unpleasant scent and icky taste of one’s pink parts more bearable, though. First off, girls should pay attention to their diet. While not a scientific fact, eating lots of fruits and veggies has been said to make both girls’ and guys’ nether regions tastier. Likewise, unhealthy habits such as smoking and little exercise may make for a much stronger stench and ashtray taste. Not fun for a guy running his tongue along your ‘other’ lips.

Most importantly, though, learn to love and be comfortable with yourself. If you aren’t relaxed during the act, you won’t enjoy it no matter what. But when you actually get down to it, don’t simply leave your partner without guidance: another common excuse is that guys simply don’t know what to do down there.

While oral sex is generally safer than penetrative sex in terms of contracting STD’s, unprotected oral sex is still a huge risk, especially if you have no prior knowledge of your partner’s sexual history. Consider this as your friendly reminder that flavored Dental Dams are perfect for your eating-out occasion.

So, men: On your knees! That’s an order.

Sex position of the week: spooning leads to forking

There’s nothing quite like spooning to provide maximum pleasure for you and your partner. Lie on your sides with her back to you, like a set of spoons in a drawer. Lift her top leg up and enter her from behind, then hold her thigh back so she is in somewhat of an arched position. From this angle you have very good access to her clit and breasts - use this to your advantage! This is also a perfect position for some dirty talk, since your faces will be pressed closely together. There’s a reason why so many couples rave about spooning - just remember to be gentle with your forking.

Damn straight. Despite our country’s fascination with sex – the more scandalous the better – there’s huge discrepancy between what happens on the screen and what happens in the sack. Other countries, like say, France, realize that nips and balls are nothing to giggle over (I challenge you to say “nipple” in everyday conversation with a straight face). Don’t be ashamed of sex — you’ve got many busy years ahead of you.

Stop being boring. My grandparents are kinkier than anything I’ve seen on this campus - they are passionate, fiery Greeks, after all. While not everyone was blessed with Greek blood, we each have five senses, so single them out and indulge. You’re guaranteed to make some unexpected discoveries.

Seeing

There’s nothing romantic about the faint light of someone’s dorm-room desk lamp. Turn the lights on. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at what your partner’s body looks like, especially when it’s grinding up against yours. Or, change it up and take the plunge during the day, in natural light. Besides, studies show that morning sex is healthy.

Being ‘visually appealing’ does not mean you have to be naked. In The Sacred Art of Striptease, seasoned stripper Diana Greenberg recommends keeping some clothes on. Experiment with some kinky outfits or lingerie.

Another great way to enhance the visual experience is by taking it away completely. Yes, I do mean blindfolding. A friend of mine tried this with his girl and said it was unforgettable. He felt vulnerable because he didn’t know what she was going to do next. “You know it’s going to feel good,” he said, “but you don’t know what it’s going to be.”

Hearing

Imagine you and your partner are on your bed (or on the floor, up against the wall, or however you hot young thangs operate). What are your sound effects? Chances are there’s some heavy breathing, the odd “Oops!” and lots of drunk idiots screaming in the hallway outside your door. Sexy? I think not.

Make a sexy soundtrack. No, you’re not a pervert if you do it. The right play list can create exactly the right mood. Think about what songs get you going and set the tone for your session – one friend of mine prefers “shit people take E to” as his love-making genre of choice. If nothing else, music will drown out the drunken gibberish outside.

Dirty talk is a requirement for a sexy atmosphere. Tell your partner what you like, what you love and what about them makes you wanna drop it like it’s hot. Just don’t let this get too out of hand … you don’t want to find all of fourth floor’s ears pressed against your door.

Taste

A major complaint of people who hate giving oral is that they can’t stand the taste. One way to solve this is by using flavored condoms, which can be found at your neighborhood CVS store. These come in a mind-boggling number of flavors – buy a few and see what tastes best. Or, don a pair of delicious edible undies for your partner to enjoy as he makes his way to your candy.

If you’re a true food connoisseur, make your partner into a full three-course meal. Babeland and Early to Bed (located on Sheridan Road) both carry a variety of choices for your main course. Top it off with a treat from Jessica Simpson’s Dessert line, which includes some fabulously tasty, completely edible body lotions and lick-able fragrances. Just keep in mind any allergies that you or your partner may have.

Smell

According to Psychology Today, sexual attraction may be based largely on smell. Conversely, unappealing smells are enough to deter someone, no matter how chiseled your abs or how cute your smile. Females are much more aware of smells than their male counterparts, so boys: clean up your dorm room. The smell of stale beer and unwashed cereal bowls literally keeps girls away.

All mammals have pheromones, or naturally occurring chemical compounds that, when secreted, attract the opposite sex. There isn’t a huge body of evidence supporting this effect in humans, but companies like Philosophy and The Scent of Eros market their products as aphrodisiacs. Some swear by pheromone candles to heighten the mood. The Sin in a Tin candle practically has a cult following. And if they don’t help you find a mate, at least you’ll smell nice.

Touch

Your nervous system is probably the best thing you’ve got –beneath your skin is a gold mine of hidden erogenous zones, sensitive areas that make you shiver when touched. Some common places: the ears, the neck, the insides of elbows and backs of the knees, pelvic bone area and – on guys – the area just behind his balls.

Not touching can also be a great sensory experience. Remember that scene in 40 Days and 40 Nights, where Josh Hartnett’s character gives up sex for Lent and resorts to erotically touching his partner with the tip of a flower in lieu of actually touching her? It was probably one of the hottest sex scenes in a mainstream movie. An easy way to tease your partner is by doing a striptease or exotic dance. Norris offers a variety of belly dance classes, and all kinds of exotic dance classes can be found in Chicago. Or just lock your door and practice some moves by yourself.

Sex Position of the Week: Missionary, Unholy Style

Lay your partner down on their back after some fun foreplay. Convince them to put on a blindfold – promise them it will be a sensory experience they’ll never forget. Next, have your partner put their hands over their head, grabbing that nifty bar on your Northwestern bed frame designed solely for this purpose. Tell them they’re not allowed to touch you. Without their sense of sight or the ability to touch you, their other senses will be much more attuned. Enter your partner and run your hands all along their body. Change it up – remember, they can’t see you and are helpless without their hands. Their body is your temple. Worship it!

This guy was not a murderer, nor was this an accident. This guy had a class-A erotic asphyxiation fetish, in which he believed he was pleasuring her by cutting off oxygen from her brain. Though his intentions were good, it was still kind of scary. Not to mention super awkward when she had to explain in the nicest way possible that strangulation did not, in fact, make her randy.

Though my friend’s tale may not occur in the average hook-up, there are plenty of other scenarios that totally kill the mood. Because you should do whatever you can to avoid these, here is a list of five of the worst offenses, rated for their awkwardness on a the five-turtle scale. Just like a five-star scale, except the opposite. And reptilian.

Number One: Unwanted surprises

Never stick it in hole number two when she’s expecting hole number one and exclaim, “Now how’d that get in there?” No matter how strongly you believe women love surprises, there should be no such surprises in the bedroom. That being said, ladies should be sure to warn their partners beforehand if it’s that time of the month. There is probably no worse surprise for him than diving in and coming up with a mouthful of blood. Be responsible, own up and discuss any possible obstacles beforehand. You can still have sex on your period, as long as you have a means for clean-up. Just take a few moments before things get too heated and discuss what you both want out of this. Know what your partner expects, and try to come up with a vehicle of pleasure to take you both there. That’s where my friend’s partner went wrong: some people are cool with asphyxiation — we all have our fetishes — but it’s not something to spring on someone unexpectedly.

Number Two: Leavin’ your socks on

Socks and nudity just aren’t compatible. Yes, you can argue that there is simply no attractive way to take off one’s socks in bed, but this is a terrible excuse. If you’re going to take it off, take it all off. The socks should come off with the pants; they are a pair, like peanut butter and jelly, you and your partner, communication and good sex.

A British study did find, however, that wearing socks in the sack equals more frequent orgasms. I’m not exactly sure how universal this is or if Brits are the only ones with cold feet. I still maintain that there is nothing less attractive than a naked leg attached to a socked foot.

Number Three: Extreme dirty talk

“I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby!” All right. Sexy-talk is fine, but just shouldn’t be taken too far. While it is perfectly normal to emit moans and the odd praise to God while doing the deed, one must keep in mind that porn is appealing because of its extremity. You definitely don’t want your partner thinking, “What a faker. I watched porn yesterday and the girl said the exact same thing!” Do say something, so your partner knows they’re doing your body good, but make sure your noises are sincere. If you feel insulted by your partner’s incessant, “Who’s your daddy?!” wait until afterward and tell him/her to keep your father out of this. You wouldn’t want to kill the mood even more by criticizing your partner at the height of their ranting.

Number Four: Faking it

According to a survey of Prof. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, 64 percent of Northwestern girls and 20 percent of Northwestern guys have faked an orgasm. That’s a whole lot of fakers. Let’s think about this for a moment. If you start using your acting skills in bed, one of two things will happen: either your partner will realize you’re faking and feel like an idiot, or your partner won’t realize you’re faking and will be under the impression that he is badder than Ron Jeremy. And then you end up getting cheated. If your partner ain’t getting you off, tell him or her. They won’t be mad, promise! Whisper in your partner’s ear or move their body exactly where and how you want it. Now that’s hot.

Number Five: Jackhammering

Jackhammers are meant to tear holes through concrete. They’re violent and loud, and their sole purpose is destruction. Do yourself and your partner a favor by not bringing this sensation to the bedroom. You know the feeling — when a guy fingers you and goes far too hard, far too fast, you end up feeling more like his victim than his accomplice. Or, when a girl uses manual stimulation with so much force that you feel your jewels are slowly being ripped from your body. Pleasure is never supposed to hurt, so when it does, say so! Let your partner know you are in pain, and make sure you stop him/her before they injure you. If you feel uncomfortable saying it aloud, you can always guide them yourself, and show them what you really like.

In a utopia, all the jack-hammering, sock-wearing, faking wrongdoers of the world will read this and come to their senses. But for now, it’s up to you to express your true sentiments to your partner and let them know when you don’t like something. Make it into a positive thing. Whisper in their ear, “This isn’t really my thing, but I love that other thing you do.” The key to having a great time in bed isn’t about possessing “skills” or being inhumanly flexible; it’s straight-up communication. If you don’t tell someone you hate what they’re doing, they’ll never know, and even worse, they’ll keep doing it. You’ll never get to experience all those mind-blowing orgasms you’ve heard so much about. And that, my friend, is a sorry thing to miss out on.

Sex Position of the Week: The Piledriver
This one is for more adventurous souls and is best done on a soft surface. Have the girl lie on her back, lifting her legs and pelvis so the majority of her weight is on her shoulders. Her legs should be spread with one leg forward and the other back, like a pair of scissors. Then, have the guy stand with his legs apart, feet on the floor on either side of her. The guy should be holding up her legs, either at the ankles or thighs. He should bend his knees as he is thrusting, careful not to thrust too hard and hurt her neck. There’s a reason why this is called the pile driver.

Being the wild thing that you are, you automatically assume sex is on the menu. You hint at what you want, expecting him to reach over and pull a condom out from the stash.

But wait. A strange look crosses his face. Is that uncertainty? Maybe even terror?

“Oh my God, you’re a virgin.”

He didn’t even have to tell you. You just know. And suddenly it gets reeeeally awkwardly quiet as mortification sets in. We’ve all heard of situations where the guy is more experienced than the girl. But there seems to be little advice for the sex-savvy gals who find themselves with clueless boys.

Not to worry! There are numerous ways to handle someone who’s more familiar with anatomical drawings of the vag than a real one.

According to a random poll of my man-friends, most guys would lie about their virginity if given the chance to give up their V-card — even if they had no idea what they were doing. One guy boasted, “I never stop to ask for directions,” and cited the porn movies he’s watched as grounds for his expertise. Because everybody knows that real life sex is just like Pirates, right? Right.

So for all my bros reading out there, a word of warning: If you find yourself in this situation, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT feign confidence or professionalism. You’ll just embarrass yourself and your partner by polishing up (read: lying about) your resume. She’s not an idiot, and she will see through your bullshit — especially if she’s been through this before. Sex is a skill that takes time and practice to fine-tune; just because you’ve been a diehard Jenna fan since you were nine does not mean you could be her co-star. Just be honest! Honestly!

And ladies, contrary to what your guy will have you believe, not all male college freshmen are sexual virtuosos with incredible masses of experience. Especially on this campus, finding that rare, unpolished gem is not as rare as one might think. And even if he’s not a virgin, don’t assume that he knows what he’s doing.

Don’t treat him like he glows. Photo by rick on flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

Now let me channel my mommy voice for a minute and scold you for not exchanging histories or establishing a battle plan before letting it get this far. But I’ll cut you some slack because you are in college, this is a hookup, and how the hell were you supposed to know Mr. Macho has never rolled a taco in his life?

Yeah, it would be easy to throw your head back, laugh and point. This would be an easy way to get rid of him: Nothing knocks the tent over quite like the winds of laughter. However, his ego may never recover, and you were a virgin once, too. Remember?

There’s definitely a more mature way to handle the situation, and in this case, you’re the experienced one — act like it.

So when your women’s intuition tells you what he won’t, don’t freak out! There are numerous ways to handle this situation, any of which may work for you. Every case is different, too — there’s no blanket answer that will cover all the intricacies and details of your situation — so the best thing (and really the only thing) to do is put on a straight face and have a mature and responsible talk.

Ask him if he is honestly ready: Is he going to regret this in the morning? Ask yourself if you are honestly ready to be his first: Are you going to regret this in the morning?

No one likes to have this talk, but there’s no way around it now. What are the terms and conditions of your future relationship? Do you plan on seeing each other again, or is what’s-his-name from the frat party a one-time deal? If he says he wants to lose it, make sure you’re okay with being the de-flowerer. If you’re both perfectly fine with you being his first gal, then gear up me hearties, yo ho! Just remember to give him some guidance. His cluelessness will help neither of you.

Of course, to avoid the awkwardness of it all, you can always find a fun alternative to sex for the time being. After all, you can always do the deed tomorrow night, or next weekend. Your body has lots of happy buttons — it doesn’t take a Northwestern engineer to figure this one out. Don’t be afraid to try them all.

And so, my attentive pupils, both courageous and weak-of-heart, just remember that lying never did anyone good. Be honest, think this through and remember to wrap up before venturing in!

Sex Position of the Week: Aphrodite’s Delight

If you’re going to be playing teacher and student, might as well teach him something worthwhile. Face each other with him on top. Bring your thighs as close to your chest as you can, and bring your feet together, so that your legs form a rough circle. Have him enter you slowly and make sure you’re both comfy before racing towards the finish line. General kissing and fondling will make this a lot more exciting. If all goes well, it will feel good for both of you –- what better way to end lesson one of Intro to Sex?