School is over, and that means one thing: Time to work on your career. Because everyone knows that if you want to be successful you can never stop. You have to work. You have to get that great internship – who cares if you’re getting paid for it? It’s about the experience and that little new line you can put on your resume about how you interned with so-and-so and worked 60-hour weeks and how you are positively the best damned person for the job and you’re light years ahead of all those losers who decided to “relax” this summer. Rest is for the weak. This summer, you’re like obnoxious over-achievers: killing yourself. For nothing. Just think about that a moment.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Then there are those of you that decided to take the opposite route. You’ve been working for nine months, dammit, and this is your well-earned break. Sit back, relax, watch Charm School with the Flavor of Love girls, get a tan, and hang out with your friends … who all have jobs. This summer, you’re like all the slackers out there: tan, but lonely with only the likes of Mo’Nique to comfort you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

After spending the last nine months wasting money like it grows on trees (since $45,000 for an education is practically peanuts), it’s time to get a little something back. Yes, you will foray into the wilds of the service industry, selling your soul making no-whip-non-fat-mocha-frappicinos for $6.00 an hour. This is what your time in higher education has got you: minimum wage and debt. This summer, you’re like the desperate baristas at Starbucks: poor, overworked and constantly reminding yourself that this is the exact reason you’re getting a college education – so you’ll never have to hear “I said skim!” ever again.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

The agony is about to end. Instead of fielding drunk dials from your friends from home on booze-day Tuesdays, you’ll finally get to join in! No more papers, no more books, and plenty of money from selling them back to buy a case of PBR and join in the fun. Except if you don’t get a phone call. And why would they all call you? They’ve been partying for a month and a half just fine without you thank you very much and they don’t need your raucous ass cramping their style. This summer, you’re like all victims of the quarter system: forgotten.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

Remember all those things you loved so much about high school? Curfews. Phoning home to let your parents know that you left dinner and are now going to a movie. Sneaking in and out at 4 a.m. through the guest room window that doesn’t lock. Voraciously sucking on lifesavers and hoping that your parents can’t smell the cigarette smoke in your clothes? Yeah. It’s all coming back. This summer, you’re like all the college rebels who return to their permanent addresses: constrained and sober.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

There is one thing you’ll miss more this summer than anything. No, it’s not the friends you have grown to know and love over the last year. No, it’s not the city of Chicago at your fingertips. And it’s definitely not the food. Come on, it’s the booze. It’s those glorious hours you spent chugging screwdrivers and the hours you can’t remember afterwards. And now that you’re home, drunkenness proves more challenging. You have to find a new source. You need to find a place to do it. And you have to avoid your parents. This summer, you’re like every good college student: an alcoholic in withdrawal.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Try this on your ‘rents. “Hey Mom and Dad, I really want to study more about the world we live in, but I really can’t miss any of the parties *ahem* classes they offer at Northwestern. I think it would be really good to study abroad this summer.” They’ll love it. And you’ll have successfully found a way into a country that will let you drink legally before you’re 21, all on your parent’s credit card! This summer: Exploit the system, and unlike unfortunate Virgo, get as drunk as possible.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You know what college is about. Getting out, exploring different interests and having new experiences. It’s a voyage of self-discovery, where you can leave your high school self behind and become a completely different person, and really figure out what you want to do with yourself. That is, until summer hits, and you can’t resist using your dad’s connections in city council to get that job at the civic center. This summer, you’re like every successful Northwestern student: reverting back to your old ways and calling mommy if the going gets too rough.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

So. You don’t want to deal with your crazy parents and crazy high school friends. For some unknown reason you have developed a little attachment to the flatness of Evanston and that view of Chicago from the lakefill. You know what the only option is for summer: Stay here! Pretend you don’t have a hometown and stick around. Because deep down you wish you too could be an Evanston townie. This summer you’re a wannabe townie, but you’re living in a fantasy world. Snap out of it and go home.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You know what is the best idea for your last few free summers ever? After nine months of relentless studying and paper-writing and all-nighters to finish that Spanish presentation, there is only one thing left to do: Take more classes over the summer. This summer, you’re a loser. Make friends, dork.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The best thing about college is the sex. Gone forever are the days when you have to schedule your libido around your parents’ work schedule or deal with having a gear shift jammed into your back when you’re trying to get a little action. (No matter what you say, it’s not sexy. It’s just uncomfortable.) At school, your significant other is around all the time, maybe even living down the hallway in a lovely single room. Until summer, when you are relegated to your hometown all by your lonesome and without the chance for a raunchy lovefest. This summer, you’re like the poor people getting their first taste of a long distance relationship: unsatisfied and alone.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Please. You know the only reason you went to college in the frigid nether-regions of Illinois was to bury your body under 7 layers of sweaters until Memorial Day. Time to go back into the real world, where people will see your body and judge you for it. Sorry. Hazard of the season. This summer, you’re like that really skinny kid who gained the freshman 15 and then some: justifiably self-conscious.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You look left. You look right. The coast seems clear. In one spastic leap you dash across Sheridan Road, barely avoiding the red Land Cruiser that just came out of nowhere. This may be the most daring thing you’ve done all year. You just had a near-death experience. You’re edgy now. This week, be the daredevil that you were meant to be: tame, and more likely to land a guest spot on the Disney Channel than Spike TV.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If high school is good for one thing, it’s evoking nostalgia. Remember all those football games you lost? That time at field day when Mr. Makes-You-Run-Laps-Even-If-You-Have-Asthma went in the dunk tank? Remember the snooty bitch who won homecoming queen? Yes, the high school yearbook’s the gold mine of better-forgotten memories that convince yourself you weren’t the loser who spent lunch in the library. But now? With your infinite knowledge gained at higher education you know not only that high school was lame, but that commemorating college in 300 pages is even lamer. This week you’re like a college yearbook: irrelevant.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Mother’s Day. Arguably the most important and annoying holiday on the calendar, made even worse when you’re away from home. Because you know that if your mom doesn’t get that cute card with the kittens and inspirational Eleanor Roosevelt quote on it by Sunday you’re done for. And you don’t even have an obliging family around you to split gifts with. But I mean, hey, you can always decorate a cheap frame at ARTica for her. Because that wasn’t done already in the second grade. This week you’re like your mother: disappointed and surrounded by people ungrateful for your sacrifices for them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

What better way to get a bunch of couch potato nerds out into the fresh air than to sponsor a trip to a baseball game! It’s the national pastime. And, inexplicably, the Cubs are a well-loved team. Besides, you’ll get a free t-shirt! This just proves an age-old adage: People will do anything for free shirts. This week, be like Northwestern: Use your knowledge of the deep, inner workings of the minds of twenty-somethings to your advantage. They’re just waiting to be exploited.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

This week is an indie kid’s dream come true: Wilco is coming to Northwestern. Now, the rest of the population isn’t quite sure who Wilco is, but if they’re a little more educated than the average Jay-Z-listening meathead, they might realize that they should know Wilco. Or at least recognize Wilco. But hell! You don’t care who’s playing. Ten dollar concert tickets for a semi-famous band? Sure! This week you’re like all true hipsters: bitter and snobby.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Boomshaka is at it again. Those crazy girls want you to come watch them snap their hips dramatically as their male counterparts bang on trashcans with superb skills. Because it’s oh-so-difficult to hit trashcans. It’s an art form, really. Please, people: Buy a drum set. You’re not Stomp. This week: Take an extremely lucrative production and copy it. Because not only is imitation the sincerest form of flattery, but it’s also the surest way to ensure success.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

There is only one thing more philanthropic than going to a nursing home and playing bingo with an elderly drooler: working with Special Olympics. Really, let’s find the most marginalized people in America and spend whole days with them, coaching sports and watching them achieve things no one knew they were capable of. Touching, huh? This week, you’re like all the rest of the people who don’t help the mentally disabled: selfish and guilty. It’s a surefire combo.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The season has begun — fundraiser season. It’s that time of the quarter when every Greek organization on campus decides that they’re about more than keg stands and circle of death, and try to give back to the community. With your help, of course… not. Because everyone knows that the only people who have to show up to Greek philanthropy events are sorority girls and frat guys, letting everyone else sleep in on Saturday. This week you’re a Greek fundraiser: You cost more than you’re worth.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Northwestern is hosting NCAA tennis? Somebody in their right mind decided that if there’s any school in the Big Ten that’s qualified to host a tournament, it’s Northwestern? Really? Didn’t someone remind them that there are more than 40 performance groups funded by ASG? This week you’re NU sports: You’re getting more attention than you deserve.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Mayfest is full of good things, right? The organizational kids (God bless their souls) have brought Ben Folds and now Cake to Northwestern. And they find plenty of ways to fundraise, making sure that we really do pay for all the things we do… just with a few drinks on the side. But 80s trivia night? Okay, so the 80s have been trendy for years. But think about the people at this university. The oldest of us were five years old when the 80s ended. Five. This week you’re like those 80s trivia buffs at the 1800 Club: out of touch and in desperate need to get out more. Please do so.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Welcome to blockbuster season. It’s that time of year again when Hollywood starts to pump out all the potential mega-hits that cost more than $200 million to film, but are guaranteed to make twice that off chumps who just can’t seem to get enough of bad writing and computer graphics. No ideas for a good family action film? Just do what Hollywood did this year: break out the triquels. Sequels of such schlock like Spider-Man and Shrek aren’t enough for America’s moviegoers. No, it’s time to drag out the same characters and stories yet again to bring in the big bucks. This week you’re just another excuse for an explosion. Take that as you will.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You know what the best thing is about sunny, warm weather? The beach. You know where you find beaches? On coasts. You know what makes them beaches? Oceans. Except in Illinois, who refuses to be left out of beach season. This week you’re like a beach in a land-locked state: an appreciated anomaly.

It’s getting to be that time of the quarter again. When that “work hard, play hard” attitude is catching up with you. When you no longer swear you’ll catch up on all that reading, because, hell, you already failed the midterm last week. So what better way to cheer you up about Diversity of Life or Intro to Stats than to find new ways to waste your parents’ money? That’s right, there’s only one thing better than sleeping through a class this quarter: picking the classes you’re going to sleep through next quarter. This week, convince yourself you’re planning the best fall ever: Denial is good.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Blue skies. Fluffy white clouds. Sunshine so bright compared to February’s you could say it sparkles. And there’s that pair of shorts sitting in your closet. Next to that bathing suit. And, you have, you know, reading to do. And the beach is so pretty … except, wait. It’s still cold. Because 60 degrees and windy isn’t tanning weather. Be prepared to stay pasty a little while longer. This week, you’re like Chicago: tragically deceptive.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If there’s one thing the theater department excels at, it’s attracting the elderly crowd. Whether it’s a traditional Shakespeare, or the racy Cloud Nine, one thing is for sure: Old people will make up at least half the audience. So, what’s more enjoyable for Evanston’s senior citizens than a musical revue? Waa-Mu: A time to harken back to the mindless drivel of the Fred Astaire era. But The Club? What club? We’re looking for geriatric, not generic. This week pull a Waa-Mu: Try to attract a younger crowd by being hopelessly out of touch.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

There is one surefire way to make yourself feel like a good person with minimal effort: Give blood. Really, all you have to do is show up, sit there, hold out your arm and try not to look. And if it gets you a little lightheaded, never fear! Northwestern can’t have you passing out at Norris, so please take your free Jamba Juice and be on your merry, philanthropic way. Because all smart people know that only chumps give something for nothing. But trading bodily fluids for energy-boosted smoothies is more than a fair trade. This week: Take it easy, save a life.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

You’re just not cutting it. Give up. The drop date is Friday. Just saying.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Okay, so you’ve already heard that a cappella is overrated. You’ve gone to A Cappella Fest and marveled at the ability of white kids to beat box. You’ve walked across enough flyers with obscenely long names making references to things 80 percent of the student body doesn’t recognize. Enough is enough. This week make your own obscure references. Sing pop ballads alongside faux-indie tunes. Be like an a cappella group: mildly entertaining until someone sees a butterfly.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

If there’s one thing college kids love more than anything, it sure is that alcohol. So how do you get these thirsty kids to participate in the university community? Why send them to bar nights of course! Because there’s nothing college kids love more than getting drunk for a reason. But what about the two-thirds of the university too young to get into these classy establishments? This week: You’re not worthwhile. Unless you’ve got a fake. Sorry.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If A&O does one thing right, it’s pick out movies. You can see The Departed, Little Children and Casino Royale only four or five months late! You can gorge yourself on Academy-worthy flicks every weekend. The real question: Why the disparity in admission fees? Why is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest a whole three dollars when the Oscar-winning The Last King of Scotland is relegated to a free screening in Harris? Quality doesn’t matter much anymore in this crazy world. This week you’re like Forest Whitaker: cool enough to win an Oscar, but not quite cool enough to charge admission.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If there’s one thing the jocks of the world need it’s another reason to feel like they’re better than everyone else. What better way for a jock to give back than to run for charity? 5K races. What about the nerds? The un-athletic? The people who chose to read books instead of flexing their pecs? Don’t they get to give back too? This week you’re like a 5K race: holding the little man down.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Everyone loves a scandal. Even more than that, everyone loves a high-brow scandal. Martha Stewart cheating Wall Street. Winona Rider getting in touch with her inner klepto. Paris Hilton flashing her nips all over the tabloids. But the women’s lacrosse team wearing flip-flops? And two years later having “fans in flip-flops day” to commemorate it? This week: Get over yourself. It was stupid then, and it’s stupid now.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

This week it’s time to celebrate the fourth anniversary of the end of the Iraq war. Oh wait. Instead, follow the latest drama as newly puffed-up Democrats throw a temper tantrum to get what they want. And who cares if they’ll actually change anything. This is politics after all. This week you’re the Democratic Party: making a statement, but still inept.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s May. And everyone knows what that means: Cinco de Mayo. The single best excuse to drink tequila ever invented. And if your love for those south of the border extends a little further than a love for anything alcoholic that requires a lime, you can really show your support by marching for immigrants’ rights. Because, really, it’s a personal issue. At Northwestern. Where the student body is 70% white. This week: Pretend you’re ethnic. It’s trendy.

• Aries (March 21 – April 19) If there is one day of the year every pubescent rebel awaits with bated breath, it’s 4/20. That magical day when it’s acceptable to take your first step down the long, slippery slope to a heroin addiction and an untimely death. The day that every nerdy bookworm in college tries to prove that they’re not just some loser who spends his nights and weekends poring over research in the Core. But as much as you smoke and choke, you can’t seem to get that buzz. This week will be like your first high: nothing.
• Taurus (April 20 – May 20) So if there’s one thing every victim of the quarter system dreads it’s the end of April. Damn those drunk dials from those state school kids who just finished a game of Edward 40 Hands to celebrate the summer (because we all know summer starts in April). You dread those minutes of payback from the 1 a.m. New Student Week voicemails you left from the Keg reminding them of how cool your life was. This week: Feel the wrath of sweet, sweet revenge.
• Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Go on a reality TV show, preferably one that is in its 8th or 10th season, and lost all but its trashy fans four years ago. Then win the whole show and walk away with your millions of dollars (most of which will end up in the hands of the IRS). Then come home and realize that no one really watches your show anymore, and Playboy doesn’t want you to pose for the centerfold. And when a fraternity asks you if you’ll come talk about your awesome experiences to a bunch of college kids with IQs higher than your SAT scores, say yes. This week you’re Yul Kwon.
• Cancer (June 21-July 22) So it’s hard to argue against globalization. When someone speaks to you in Spanish you’d best answer in it. The Internet makes its possible to have a free conversation from Chicago to Belize. And everything you own was made in Taiwan. It’s time to jump on the bandwagon. This week you’re like all of Northwestern’s classes and lectures on Turkey: an odd expression of an international trend. And not very interesting.
• Leo (July 23- August 22) “April showers bring May flowers,” or so the saying goes. Basically, you’re supposed to tolerate the hideousness of spring in April, more closely resembling a bastardized form of winter with its overcast skies, damp grounds, and endless precipitation. But fear not, its all on the up and up pushing forward to the beauty this is May. Except in Chicago, where the weather more closely resembles a frustrating crush, giving you a little hope that you’ll get laid, only to revert to its old ways of leaving you in 40 degree weather. This week: Be a cocktease.
• Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles will all give you this one piece of advice about college: study abroad, because it will change your life. For some, the sub-zero temperatures and buildings designed to look like vaginas are foreign enough. But others need to drink the beers of the world in the country where they’re brewed. You too can drink Guinness in Ireland, as long as you follow a few simple procedures: mandatory meetings, tedious applications, and a pre-departure prep that last three hours. This week is like a study abroad meeting: long and pointless.
• Libra (September 23 - October 22) This is America. If we want to be fat, we’ll super-size our Biggie meal and have a Quad Stacker on the side. But if there is one guilty pleasure that surpasses all others, it’s every inner fat kid’s craving for ground beef, cheese, refried beans, guacamole and sour cream all wrapped up in a flour tortilla. The burrito (or taco, or enchilada, or gordita) is the greatest gift from across the border. But only at lunchtime. All Mexican cravings must be postponed until between 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. when Norris is willing to fulfill your needs. This week: Go to the gym.
• Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) All college students wait for the glorious day when those little red warnings on your driver’s license free you from your underage constraints. You are 21. You can go to a bar. You can buy a drink without having to flash a middle-aged man at the next table. Until then, you live at the mercy of Northwestern parties. Fundraiser parties are the biggest scam since Nixon was in the White House. Five dollars for a keg of PBR and jungle juice that turns your teeth red? This week: Prepare to be screwed.
• Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Tour groups can be identified from blocks away: a mass of people swarming around a tiny person wearing a North Face fleece and carrying a Northwestern umbrella. They swarm, barricading students from the Rock, blocking the line at Sbarro and listening intently to a litany of useless facts about the history of Kresge. Nervous parents giving furtive looks to students with blue hair and tattoos. This week fulfill your dreams: Fuck with the prospies.
• Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) Northwestern is not an athletic university. Its performance in football, basketball and every other sport is abysmal at best. Unless it’s women’s lacrosse, who, despite being the best in the NCAA, still can’t draw a crowd of nerds and dorks to come watch them. Not unless there’s free Chipotle at the end of the rainbow. Leave it to Northwestern to employ the oldest and surest of methods to get what it wants: bribery. This week: persevere and you too will be bought off.
• Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) The Student Activities Fair. One of those rites of passage. All students must wander among tables with poorly drawn posters and cheesy gimmicks and giveaways. So, being the former soccer star, editor of the paper, president of Key Club and the Spanish Honor Society, you sign up for everything. You want to join SEED, ASG, A&O and College Feminists, even if you’re not a girl. Then comes spring, after you’ve realized that the best way to make friends is over the toilet after a keg stand. But you can’t escape your overachiever past. Their listservs are clogging your inbox every day. This week: Beware. They’re coming to get you.
• Pisces (February 19 – March 20) One of the wonders of Chicago, beyond the obvious audacious grandeur of the Sears Tower and the majesty of all the rich people on the Mag Mile, are the Chicago Cubs. They haven’t won a World Series in 99 years. They haven’t even come close since the unfortunate events of 2003 (Too soon? Still?). And yet, they have these die-hard fans who are convinced that the Cubs are the sons of God, the chosen ones, persecuted with failure but bound to triumph at the end of the world. Join the dream. Buy your tickets to watch the incompetence this city so cherishes. This week you’re like the Cubs: undeserving, but loved anyway.
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