Cinder block sugar cubes

So tough, but so sweet! Photo courtesy of www.behance.net

If the most dilapidated construction you normally encounter is deliberately exposed brick, then you could certainly stand to have an air of urban disrepair in your life. But if the biggest life risk you’re willing to take is trying a different flavor shot in your morning Starbucks beverage, I’ve got a cleverly rough-hewn gem for you: Sugar Blocks, cinder block-shaped sugar cubes. Molded to be shaped like those weird brick-type things you always see in high speed car chases but never actually encounter in your daily life, you can now feel a little bit more dangerous while you’re sweetening your half-caf low-fat non-whip mocha frap.

The Pipe floor-mounted shower. Photo courtesy of www.trendir.com

The Pipe floor-mounted shower

Remember on really hot summer days in the Hamptons when the public pool was too full or too expensive so you and your friends would cool off by busting open some industrial piping and playing in the spray? No? Well, maybe you saw it on Hey Arnold! and thought it looked fun. Enter The Pipe floor-mounted shower from Boffi. Sleek enough to give you the comforting, homey feel of Ikea-like sterility that you’re accustomed to, it also has industrial elements, such as its floor-mounted and u-bend design and simple steel finish. Best of all, it has that markedly municipal red flower-shaped fixture. I’ll bet you don’t even have to use a wrench to get it open (and just think of how strong you’ll look then!).

Umbuster 2004 brass knuckle umbrella

No one will mess with you if you’ve got this bad boy. Photo courtesy of www.behance.com

True gangsters rarely concern themselves with umbrellas; after all, a shower of water doesn’t phase that outrageously cool guy who’s more accustomed to a shower of bullets. But businessmen, wearing business suits with business hair styled with business gel, actually do enjoy some protection from the rain. But lest that betray your street cred, you can avoid any criticism from the wet thugs around you with the Umbuster 2004. This professional-looking black umbrella features a silver brass knuckle set at the base where the handle should be. While it may not be the most threatening weapon when resting on the pale weak fist of the badass-impaired, it definitely makes winning a fight by hitting someone with an umbrella at least a little bit less wuss-looking.

StraightGrillz, corrective grillz

While I seriously doubt the legitimacy of this marketing plan proposal, I fully support its concept. Being an adult with braces is probably as anti-action hero as it gets. It tells the world that you’re probably running a higher risk for drive-by wedgies than shootings. And that reputation will never get you laid. If you’re interested in straightening your smile without reliving the memories of your dorky lifestyle up to this point, Ron Company proposes StraightGrillz, corrective grillz that make you look tough while they straighten their teeth. Look what they do for Terrence, the hypothetical customer on the Ron Company Web site:

“He lives by both the Code of the Streets AND his school’s Honor Code. He may accent this affinity with fangs on his grillz, or, traditional grillz for more formal occasions (job interviews, funerals, and spontaneous photo opportunities that may impact his image on one of many social networking sites). Terrence is an enigma. But that’s the way he likes it. No one really knows him but his woman, assuming he has one or somehow encounters one, and even she sometimes wonders if he isn’t concealing some sort of inner torment involving a shadowy past and dark deeds he can’t forget.”

I’ll bet Terrence has never ordered a half-caf low-fat non-whip mocha frap.

Sexy? The Condom Gun. Photo Courtesy of pingmag.jp

Condom Gun

Okay, you yuppies seeking that real-life excitement you know must exist in the tough, street world where they don’t have an Ethan Allen. It is fairly likely that you have some sort of a sex life. But you might think, as T.I. would have you believe, that sex is better when you have tattoos and chains and enemies and guns. While I will admit that T.I. speaks only irrefutable truths, unless you want to have to explain why your abdomen says “Thug Life” at a Greenwich pool party, you might have to find other options to add a hint of gang warfare-type exhilaration to wooing your woman. Enter Masayuki Takahashi’s Condom Gun, a clever prophylactic carrying case that allows you to load rolled-up condoms into a fake handgun’s magazine clip. Wield with care, but provided you’ve landed yourself the high-stakes badass kind of woman your umbrella and grillz braces have earned you, this’ll be the perfect romantic venture. Assuming you’re not still dating a girl you met at Northwestern.

A month or two ago, my boyfriend, while fidgeting, accidentally sucker-punched my bedside lamp, breaking it cleanly in half and ruining any future chances of late night reading, journaling and not stubbing my toe getting into bed. I didn’t think too much of it, as I had other light sources at my disposal, but the bruises that speckle my feet tell me that lamps play a pretty important role in suburban survival. Whether it’s to set the mood, to let your roommate sleep or simply to be in control of your environment without leaving your bed, everyone needs that neighboring night light. So for your convenience, here are all kinds of lamps for all kinds of people. I think you’ll find it pretty illuminating.

For sadists

Remember those weird kids in kindergarten who would light bugs on fire or stomp on baby bunnies? That kid probably survived to adulthood, and is now an investment banker with repressed killing urges. Quiet the storm inside with lamps that feature a tinge of darkness. That way, the last thing you see before you go to bed can be just as scary as the dreams you’re probably having. I recommend the headless Teddy Bear Lamp, or lamps custom-made to look exactly like your eyeballs.

For conspiracy theorists

Convinced you saw Elvis on the street? Have you bookmarked all the photographic evidence of the Loch Ness monster available on the internet? Are you spending your spring break in Roswell? Sounds like we’d get along. For anyone who, like me, loves a good conspiracy theory and takes pleasure in perpetuating them, the Alien Abduction Lamp lets you play Martian. It looks just like a UFO beaming something up to the mother ship (it comes with optional cow and human figures so you decide who’s getting abducted). Now if they can just manufacture a nightstand that represents the Kennedy assassination conspiracy, we’ll really be in business.

The Wooden Bulb. Photo courtesy of suck.uk.com

For the tree-lover

The term tree-hugger has always been a little ambiguous to me. I get that it means you love trees; but is it the kind of love where you want what’s best for them, or the kind where you want them to be with you always, whether or not it’s in their best interest? Well, whichever way you love, we’ve got you covered. There’s the Krank Lamp, which runs on human energy and is therefore totally environmentally independent. Which is, you know, good for trees, I guess. Then there are also ways to have the goodness of trees annihilated and harnessed to provide the convenience of a light source. Check out the Wooden Bulb, a decorative light fixture crafted to look like a huge light bulb made of wood — maybe its light will illuminate the selfish side of your love.

For punk rockers, or the really attention-hungry

Hey theater majors, do YOU love the spotlight enough to have one permanently affixed to your face? I don’t really understand why this is happening and the Web site offers little more explanation than “Weird Bizarre Face Piercing Lamp Shocking Asia,” but the end result seems to be a functioning light bulb pointed directly at your face. Stage-starved dramaturgs, now’s your chance!

Cassette Tape Lamp. Photo courtesy of technabob.com

For hipsters, or Steam Punks who are a little off

For whatever reason, our generation often seems to define coolness or hipness based on being aware of — and having a relationship with — old, outdated things. Now don’t get me started on the Steam Punk movement, but this phenomenon is overwhelmingly visible at a particular intersection of Davis Street, where Urban Outfitters and American Apparel are engaged in a constant staring contest, hocking overpriced versions of the garage sale fare we all mocked as pre-teens. If you subscribe to this philosophy, then you’ll love the recent advent of Cassette Tape Lamps, which repurpose the outdated audio technology to keep you illuminated. I’d recommend you DIY-it and give 8-tracks a try.

I’ve never been able to pull off a handstand. Whether that’s a product of my total lack of upper body strength or the residual anxieties from when my mother pulled me out of gymnastics fearing I would impale myself mid-cartwheel (which I admit was quite possible), I’ll never know. But when you’re a kid, turning upside down provides fascinating entertainment; everything looks different and you discover things you’d never noticed before. So maybe it’s my deep-seated envy of those who CAN be upside-down that makes these gravity-defying concepts so cool.

Hopside Down

If there are two things in this world I love, it’s weird-looking crap and beer. Apparently, there’s a legitimate way combine the two, justifying the existence of Hopside Down, a glass specifically designed for beer with a hollowed center, allowing the outside to retain a normal glass shape, while the container portion is shaped like an upside-down beer bottle. Looks to me like it combines the raw toughness of drinking beer straight from the bottle with the intimidating power of wielding a broken-off bottle by the neck. That, plus the refined sophistication of drinking out of a glass and repeating as necessary.

Photo courtesy of www.inhabitat.com

Boskke’s Upside Down Sky Planters

One of the best things I brought to my freshman dorm room, other than lots of disinfectant and a Nerf gun, was a plant. He was a fernish-looking little dude named Jeffrey, and he became a sort of mascot, brightening the room and making our prison-like residence a little more homey. At least, he did for as long as I remembered to water him. From Jeffrey I learned two lessons: Plants are really worth having around, and I am less nurturing than the wilderness. Turns out, there’s a brilliant solution for people like me: the Boskke Upside Down Sky Planter. Not only does hanging your plant upside-down look totally counter-intuitively cool, with this gadget, it also capitalizes on gravity through an internal-reservoir system. This enables water to transfer directly into the roots, using up to 90 percent less water than normal pots, so it only needs to be watered twice a month. Oh Jeffrey, if only I had known of this planter sooner, perhaps you would’ve lived to see my sophomore year.

Upside-down calculator gifts

Since I was in about second grade, I’ve always thought I was a little bit cooler than everyone else because my name can be written upside down on a calculator (312217. Jealous?). Back when the only functions our calculators were required to have were basic arithmetic and they didn’t come with games and graphing capabilities, we had to entertain ourselves during class with the simple things, like 5378008 and 07734. Anyone else who, like myself, gets nostalgic about dicking around in elementary school can relive the glory days with this line of gear emblazoned with upside down numerical words. Valentine’s day is coming up folks — what better way to remind your sweetheart that 5508 51 345?

Image courtesy of www.engadgetmobile.com

Upside-down cell phone design

While my first reaction to this recent patent was confusion and disdain, I’ve since played with at least six of my friends’ phones and discovered that this is actually the most brilliantly simple innovation of all time. Anyone who’s ever sent a gibberish T-9 interpretation (sober) or gotten a thumb cramp trying to carry on an hour-long conversation during lecture with a friend across campus will have similar bewilderment, followed by reverence, for the simple innovation of the upside-down cell phone design. It simply reverses the screen and keypad placement to more ergonomically fit the shape of the human hand (hint: fleshy, useless platform on the bottom, fingers on top). Now let’s just hope this catches on soon so I don’t look like such an idiot trying to fake it.

Upside-down bookshelf

Photo courtesy of www.instructables.com

Now for anyone who’s been inspired to add a little disorder into their lives by the aforementioned tchotchkes but can’t invest in a high-budget flip flop, give this do-it-yourself reversal a try and create your own inverted bookshelf, courtesy of Instructables.com. Using a normal bookshelf, a little bit of elastic and that staple gun you always keep lying around, you can befuddle your friends and family and securely suspend your books in a gravity-defying display. Provided you won’t be constantly disappointed to miss the satisfaction of watching your orgo textbook crash to the ground.

If, like me, you happen to be a clumsy person, then you know the terrible danger and fear our kind is constantly exposed to. Anything you encounter could be potentially hazardous. While normal people function without incident, you could lose an eye trying to microwave a Lean Cuisine. Our special breed of klutz has grown accustomed to seeing weapons and threats everywhere: hidden in household objects, on the street and in our own bedrooms. Well, now our poised and coordinated counterparts can have a taste of the world as we know it, with normal items specifically designed to harm others.

Bat and Shield table

So picture this scenario: you’re sitting in your favorite armchair, a hot or cold beverage resting on the table next to you, when suddenly, in pops a terrorist. Or something. With no options for self defense in sight, you succumb to joining his organization, leave your home and your family, and spend the rest of your life making bombs out of gum wrappers and battery acid in a cave somewhere. And to think, all that trouble could have been avoided if resting beneath your hot or cold beverage was an art-deco table that disassembles into a bat and shield. As long as your security is more valuable than whatever you may have resting on the table, it seems like a worthwhile investment to me. Otherwise you’re just letting the terrorists win, or something.

Stuffed animal “sweet hidden knife”

Everyone loves knives, and it’s pretty easy to find different incarnations of ways to hide them: lipstick tubes, pens, belt buckles (which always strike me as being a little too close for comfort) and the infamous sword cane. If there is any indication that this trend is cool and fun, then it’s this pre-teen’s how-to on Instructables.com. This playful children’s lesson teaches you how to hide a blade inside of a stuffed animal. When I was little, the edgiest arts and crafts I did came with safety scissors.

Shotgun/rifle hideaway coffee table

Okay, so you’re not willing to compromise aesthetics to have a table that can defend you in and of itself. Or maybe a bat just isn’t intimidating enough for you. Courtesy of the fine NRA-lovin’ folks at gun suppliers everywhere, there’s now a wide selection of tables, couches and other home necessities you can use to kill or maim. These housewares are specifically designed to open or detach, giving you immediate access to a shotgun, machete, chainsaw or whatever unwieldy four-foot device you need at the ready.

Have a seat! Photo courtesy of freshome.com

Reverse Psychology or PAPC furniture

So furniture can hide weapons or be weapons, a fact people as uncoordinated as me are well aware of at all times, lest we run out of usable toes. Just to keep you on the toes you have left, a British artist began the Peace Art Project Cambodia in November 2003 to repurpose machine guns and heavy artillery into art and ultimately furniture. And while this furniture isn’t actually dangerous, those of you accustomed to coexisting with chairs and tables safely can now truly relate to the terror the clumsier of us feel when we enter a room full of stuff. Empathy, darlings. Let’s all hope the rocking chair isn’t loaded.

Bury the Jerk

Breakups are big deals. They mark the closure of an era, the death of a part of one’s life, and sometimes a bloody, beaten end to a relationship. This parallel was not lost on the creators of Bury the Jerk, a “relationship closure and recovery” program that sells kits and materials needed for hosting a “relationship funeral.” Cheaper than therapy and opening the door for macabre food and drink themes, it beats the Lorena Bobbitt method of achieving closure. But I suppose that depends on the ex.

Spooky. Photo courtesy of artbysteph.com

Felted wool animal skulls

Casper. The Nightmare Before Christmas. Octogenarian Mickey Rooney. Few things are more endearing than when creepy things get cute. While softening the gruesome is usually a late-October affair, artist Stephanie Metz has combined the soft, fuzzy, woolly goodness of stuffed animals with skeletons, deformed animals and the ever-popular teddy bear fetus in a jar. The result? Some cuddly felted wool animal skulls. Because we all have a little bundle-of-weirdo joy in our lives who would appreciate a headless cow or a legless Chihuahua doll, right?

The Eternity Restaurant. Photo courtesy of contractjournal.com

Eternity

I don’t know about you, but one of the things I’m going to miss most when I kick it is the simple earthly delights like deep-dish pizza and Chipotle burritos the size of my maggot-filled face. Many cultures before us appreciated this; the Egyptians were entombed with their favorite foods so their afterlife selves could chow down for all eternity. Whether your beliefs don’t jive with that or you can’t invest the time or energy in pyramid construction between homework and club meetings, you can get a taste of afterlife cuisine at a new restaurant in Ukraine, created by undertakers, filled with coffins, wreaths, black sheathing and menu fare like “Let’s meet in paradise.” The building itself is currently in debate for being the world’s largest coffin, and I hear the dessert menu is to die for.

Ghost site in Bartlett, Ill.

For a more local, and probably even cooler encounter with the afterlife, take a road trip with some friends out to an Illinois landmark and necessary pre-adulthood pilgrimage: Munger Road. As the story goes, a young boy was allegedly stuck on the Bartlett, Ill. railroad tracks at a really inopportune time, and his ghost still mills about the area today, hoping to prevent anyone from meeting the same fate. So being the annoying, young adults that we are, people have begun parking on the tracks late at night, which, according to the story, incites the ghost kid to push your car out of the way of danger. Many go so far as to put baby powder on their bumpers, claiming that little handprints will appear all over the back of the car. Feeling adventurous or looking for an excuse to get the hell out of Evanston? Check this one out and let me know how it goes.

The LightLane. Photo courtesy of dvice.com

LightLane

Something that actually glows purposefully, the LightLane is great for anyone who bikes with authority, who refuses to be limited by the pathetic and sporadic bike paths painted at random by the city, or who wants to pave their own way but plans to do so in a heavily trafficked area. It’s a laser attached to the back of your bike that projects a glowing bike path to alert drivers of your presence. If you ask me, it also gives you authority and the right-of-way wherever you go, as the lines marking your path of travel move with you. Although I hope for your sake that Escalade will respect your authority, too.

Power Aware Cord

My inner hippie can’t help but love the Power Aware Cord, which tells you how much power is surging through it by varying the levels of illumination, which correspond with the charge. Far more importantly, my inner klutz, who constantly stubs her toes or gets tangled in wires and stuff, and my inner idiot, who has on more than one occasion electrocuted herself trying to unplug a cord in the dark, are pretty thrilled as well.

Glow in the Dark Pebbles. Photo courtesy of ecofriend.com

Glow in the Dark Pebbles
No, your pet rock didn’t go all Alex Mack-radioactive on you. This is just another sad attempt to make stones more interesting. The idea behind glow in the dark pebbles is simple enough: illuminate your walkway without obtrusive or unsightly lights lining the path. Granted, it looks more like a collection of alien poop to me, but if you’ve ever wondered what living in a fish tank was like…. Well, to each their own.

Glo Cup Holder

Keeping my aforementioned propensity for mess-making in mind, here’s another glowing device meant to prevent, or at least combat, total senselessness in the dark. For anyone who’s ever woken up only to step into a puddle of whatever they drank last night (or two weeks ago) is the Glo Cup Holder. When you’re flailing for your alarm in the dark, this stable, glowing coaster will alert what not to wildly punch at, keeping bedside drinks safe and sound. However, its claim of “no more spillages at night” might disappoint those who may be expecting different results.

Cute even in the dark. Photo courtesy of inventorspot.com

Glow-in-the-Dark Cats

Cats are great. They are low-maintenance, furry, sometimes cuddly, and they can entertain you for hours on end. They may or may not love you, but as far as I’m concerned, they’re a great pet. But they do have that nasty habit of being hard to keep track of, especially in the dark. And like all things, they could always stand to be a little more kickass. Cue the Glow-in-the-Dark Cat, who was created as part of a research project on cloning with manipulated genes, but has the unintended side effect of being the most awesome cat ever. A lifelong companion and a night-light all in one? Count me in!

Totoro calendars

Totoro wall calendar. Photo courtesy of www.dannychoo.com

Now I’m not really an anime person, but raise your hands high and proud if you were ever illogically mesmerized by the affable cat-bear creature Totoro. The lovable thing runs around, lives in trees and takes a girl on a bus made out of a cat…it sounds like the result of a really bad acid trip, but it warmed my four-year-old heart more than any Muppet ever could. Since then, I’ve found an alarming number of young adults who somehow found and loved this weird little guy along with me. Reconnect with your innate desire to love something that makes no sense (but you’re pretty sure is cute) every day with 3-D Totoro desk and wall calendars! Not only can you avoid losing touch with your inner child as each day makes you older and older, but you can also silently seek out the strange others around you who have also been secretly wishing they could take a flying cat-bus to work.

The Procrastination Calendar

Finally, a time-keeping device that will not only show you how much time you’re wasting, but will also help you come up with new ways to waste it. A multi-tasker if I ever saw one, the Procrastination Calendar is filled with lists, ideas, suggestions and from what I can see, commands of useless tasks and exercises that will make sure you’re kept busy all day without actually doing anything productive. In my opinion, it’s livin’ the dream.

The Condom Advent Calendar

For a less structured version of the procrastination calendar, the Condom Advent Calendar can do an equally great job of distracting you at work, keeping you busy, maybe even realigning your priorities and letting you acknowledge the passage of each day, while offering a more subtle suggestion of how your time could better be spent. If you want a calendar that makes you stop, look at your life and think about whether or not you’re getting the most out of each day, this could be the one for you. Or it will be terribly wasteful and cripplingly depressing. Use responsibly, or else your Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays could dishearten you just as much as the Mondays.

The Hibernation Calendar

The Hibernation Calendar. Photo courtesy of ryanyeah.com

Nothing says “seize the day” like watching each day be shredded by tiny razor blades and spit out in shredded little pieces. The Hibernation Calendar (or as I like to think of it, the reality check calendar) is a ceaseless, moving roll of calendar days fed through an attached shredder: a 24-hour process with no on or off button. You get to watch your days slowly die, undoubtedly making you reconsider how much of your day you spend YouTubing cute animals waterskiing and how little of it you spend reading about Slavic civilizations. Nothing like having a contraption akin to that of a James Bond villain threatening your productivity to light a fire under your ass.

The Bubble Wrap Calendar

The Bubble Wrap Calendar. Photo courtesy of www.geeky-gadgets.com

Some people live happy, full, productive lives already without the aid of some external force of dread, influence or reminder to get them going. I am not one of those people, but I’m told they’re out there. So if all you expect from your calendar is to tell you what day it is, not to help you decide what to do with it, your already perky self can indulge in the Bubble Wrap calendar, a roll-out sheet of bubble wrap listing each month of the year, with each date printed under a plastic, air-filled bubble. You strike me as a person of simple pleasures, you who is so satisfied with life and need no scary influences to make you force it to be better, so this seems right up your alley. That is, unless you’re practical enough to recognize the alarming futility of watching your days pop. Think about it.

Winter Quarter is the freakish middle child of Northwestern’s screwy term system. It has neither the excitement of Fall Quarter’s start-of-a-new-year anticipation, nor the thrill of Spring Quarter’s descent into Dillo Day and a summer of freedom. Winter Quarter has little more to offer us than biting cold, windy commutes and hibernation. But in spite of the state of limbo students find themselves in, we still have to go to class. So why not spice up your lectures, discussion sessions, seminars, library marathons and all other academic nonsense with some innovations designed to make learning, procrastinating or faking it that much more exciting?

The Elite Calculator Belt Buckle ($14.99), Lucky Ruler ($20.00)

The Elite Calculator Belt Bucklet. Photo courtesy of www.bewild.com

It seems like most people have strong emotions regarding math — they either love it, or given the choice between taking a Calc exam and sliding small shards of glass under their fingernails, they choose the latter. Either way, you can benefit from the Elite Calculator Belt Buckle, whether you’re flaunting your mastery of the subject or nervously punching away at your crotch during a midterm. Furthermore, non-math fans looking for an extra boost on assignments without cheating can chance it with the Lucky Ruler, which skips the number 13. Not all people afraid of analytical thinking are superstitious, but I sure know I wouldn’t take any chances.

IRISpen ($176.94), Livescribe ($199.95)

The Livescribe. Photo courtesy of www.livescribe.com

Gone are the days of paying a freshman to transcribe, read or take your notes for you (if I’m wrong about this one, I’m currently accepting applications), but few people will be sated by the suggestion of actually doing the work themselves. A space-age compromise could be the IRISpen, a scanner that transcribes printed text into computer text simply by scanning each line while hooked up to the USB. Because we go to Northwestern, and highlighters are just too pedestrian. Equally exciting is the LiveScribe. A pen with a built-in audio recorder, it also records your notes as you take them, and all that data can be uploaded to your computer, thereby maximizing your mid-lecture Facebook time.

Dead Fred Pen Holder ($9.99)

From some of the blanket statements often made about Northwestern students’ attitude towards their workload, you’d think we were all angry, raging balls of stress constantly on the verge of a breakdown. There is no time this rings truer than during the bleak, dreary Winter Quarter, when our meager bragging rights of having a pretty campus give way to the strong arguments of our other friends who say it’s better to go to a school that’s not near Chicago. Take out this frustration in a more productive way than switching your major to interpretive dance with the Dead Fred Pen Holder. Stabbing this little dude can give you the excitement of relieving your anger without the added anxiety of having to track down all your pre-law friends afterward.

The Dead Fred pen holder. Photo courtesy of www.thinkgeek.com

Sleep Safe Tape (no price available)

Avid readers may argue that I’ve made this claim before, but I can assure you, the following discovery is by far the greatest thing I have ever seen. Presenting Sleep Safe Tape, strips of clear tape with extraordinarily convincing fake eyes printed on them, enabling one to sleep safely during lectures without getting on anyone’s bad side. Pair with the LiveScribe pen and a little calculator belt buckle action come exam time, and you could graduate from college without ever being conscious in a classroom. Livin’ the dream. last Junk Pile.

The holidays are a stressful time for most people, largely because families are a stressful thing for most people. All the people who share some of your chromosomes and often drive you crazy come together, force you to dress up, act polite, and answer the same questions about how school’s going dozens of times. Through it all, you’re torn between your two best entertainment options: watching your cousin play video games or trying to figure out how old that great-great-something–or-other slumped over in the corner is.

When it comes to holiday gatherings, it seems the only respite we get from the awkwardness and anxiety is food. So if your relatives have put you under enough stress leading up to that day, relieve some tension with whimsy (or revenge) in mind. Here are food-related-event-preparing gadgets, sorted by what kind of weird relative would be most apt to use them.

For your nerdy cousin
Edge Baking Pan, OMGWTFBBQ Apron, PC Toaster Bay and Handheld Germ-Eliminating Light

Yes, there’s toast in the computer; it’s the PC Toaster Bay. Photo courtesy of www.cooking-gadgets.com

We all have some mega-dorks in the family bloodline. LARPers, mouth-breathers, techies and anyone voluntarily majoring in math sneak into your gene pool. These gadgets will satiate their weird obsessions and produce something you can both enjoy together. First, put all their unnecessary chemistry knowledge to use with the Edge Baking Pan ($39.95), designed to use conductive heat to make every brownie a perfect edge piece. Or, humor them (or entice them to leave the computer for long enough to cook you something) with the OMGWTFBBQ apron ($14.99) and hope to score some l33t baked goods, or keep it simple and let them whip up a grilled cheese (and blog about it) with the PC Toaster Bay ($29.99). Then, for your after-cooking cleanup, simplify things with the Handheld Germ-Eliminating Light ($79.95), which employs technology I didn’t know we had yet. Rather than cleaning your kitchen/counter/utensils, you can use UV light to sterilize everything. Just be sure you don’t make each other radioactive or something.

For the weird, macabre, or goth uncle (who surely married into the family)
Fetal Bites

Anyone with an interest in the bizarre, including that slightly left-of-center uncle of yours, would appreciate Fetal Bites. No fetuses are harmed in the making of these cookies; it’s simply a cookie cutter in the shape of curled up little pre-baby. Most people don’t have very discriminating tastes about cookie shapes, but this one might just be extreme enough to make sure there will be enough passed over in the course of a family meal for the slightly wacky in-laws to enjoy. Plus, the decorating opportunities are endless. Shudder.

The Ex. Photo courtesy of www.thinkgeek.com

For your aunt, the divorcee
The Ex

Nothing makes family gatherings more exciting than that spiteful, disillusioned cynic who spent all of last year whining about her husband and will spend this year, buzzed, ranting to you about never trusting a man. My instinct is usually to keep her away from sharp objects whenever possible, but perhaps she can put that pent-up frustration to good use in the kitchen with The Ex ($69.99), a knife holder shaped like a person. Set this baby somewhere prominent and make sure no one slips up and asks when Uncle Billy is showing up.

For your meathead big brother
The Jumbo Jerky Works Gun

Frozen Smiles Ice Tray. Photo courtesy of www.cooking-gadgets.com

The term “meathead” usually refers exclusively to a value of sports knowledge over actual knowledge, but in my unavoidable encounters with these characters, I’ve found that there lies an inextricable link between this personality trait and rampant carnivorous urges. This is the only type of person I could imagine would be able to make any use of the Jumbo Jerky Works Gun ($19.99), which looks like a caulk gun but instead spews long lines of seasoned meat, perhaps the perfect snack for Thanksgiving day football.

For your anal-retentive grandmother
The Condiment Fork and Frozen Smiles Ice Tray

Some grandmas are badasses. Some grandmas are comically old. And then there’s the TYPICAL grandma, who loves order and tidiness almost as much as she loves lace doilies. The woman probably has a heart condition, so make her life a little easier with the most anally-retentive (and of course, low-tech) meal-preparing tools possible. If she’s making jams, allow her the simple order afforded by the Condiment Fork ($6.00), allowing different toppings to have their own, paired serving utensil (we all know how much they love matching). Or make her feel really at home with ice shaped like dentures ($10.00).

Today I saw a kid get totally nailed in the face with a snowball. It made me think of the simple, carefree frivolity of childhood, where you could beat the shit out of your friends and it was totally okay. And then I was reminded of the other delightful things associated with children: boogers, pinching, and all kinds of bodily fluids spewing all over the place. Doesn’t that make you wish you could go back there? If you do choose to reconnect with your younger self during these winter months- or any time adulthood gets too boring- be sure to do so in a cool, sophisticated, grown up way, with the help of these products and ideas. And make sure your regression includes plenty of fart jokes.

For your sleepovers that don’t end in a walk of shame
Pillow Fight pillowcase

Especially for little girls, sleepovers carry great meaning as a child. They are a mark of popularity, friendship, and all kinds of science experiments—like how to make someone wet their bed or what happens to a training bra when you put it in the freezer. Grownups have their own kinds of sleepovers sometimes (see Carnal Knowledge for tips on that), but if you choose to reconnect with the traditional kind of overnight, be sure to include the classic sleepover tradition: pillow fights.
When reliving this memory, step it up with this Pillow Fight pillowcase, whose red (soft) spikes and sturdy handle will let you bash the pigtails off your cohorts properly. Nothing like a little non-passive aggression to take the edge off of adulthood.

The Finger Nose Hair Trimmer. Photo courtesy of www.prankplace.com

Just be careful where you wipe it
Finger Nose Hair Trimmer

With a pretty substantial history of babysitting under my belt, I can say with some authority that all kids pick their noses. It is a dark period in all our childhoods, the days when we didn’t know well enough to try to pass it off as a casual scratch, but defiantly went second-knuckle deep. While doing so now might earn you some strange looks, you can find comfort in the privacy of your own home, reminiscing on those simple days while dealing with one of those troublesome grownup problems with the Finger Nose Hair Trimmer. Finally, something productive you can stick up there!

Play with your food without making your mother puke
Edible Origami and Slime Cake

When we were kids and everything we ate consisted of different colors of mush, playing with our food was one of the best misdeeds we could get away with. But as we get older, we have to eat properly. We have to eat in an orderly fashion. We have to eat vegetables. But that doesn’t mean those happy, carefree days of playing with your food must totally evade you. You might even get mad props for it, if you learn how to use edible components to make origami. Or if your tastes are still childish and gross (like mine), take advantage of the fact that you’ve graduated from Easy Bake and regress to the days of Nickeloedon Magazine recipes. Bust out a wicked slime cake and do me proud.

You can make origami cranes out of won ton wrappers. Photo courtesy of www.evilmadscientist.com

Either way, your big brother will tease you
“Action Figure” online community

“Little girls play with dolls, little boys play with ‘action figures.’” As outdated or sexist as this idea may be, I know a lot of women today who grew up with Barbies, and a lot of guys who will staunchly argue even now that buying different outfits for their G.I. Joe was “totally butch” simply because that was an “action figure.” Well, there’s no need to outgrow your passion for dolls. Here you’ll find an entire community of action figure collectors. Go to an “action figures” convention. Plan a trip to the rumored soon-to-open Barbie museum. Don’t worry, you can still pretend you’re there out of nostalgia.

Everyone poops
Poop literature, jokes, and the Turd Twister

Kids are immature: They love gross stuff and fart jokes. So naturally, kids love poop. So if you’re going to regress properly, you will invariably have to revisit the concept of poop. Bone up on poop literature, indulge in poop humor or embrace one of the greatest inventions of all time, the ultimate in combining kid and adult humor and upgrading child dreams to adulthood reality, the Turd Twister. Combining the grossest imaginable bathroom humor with the timeless fun of play dough, the Turd Twister is everything a bona-fide grownup could need to feel like a kid again, and to do it in style.