It was a battle seven years in the making for the two kings, who each fielded squads of up to 200,000 men, though attendance numbers were not reported as official.

“I was getting old, and I wanted a chance to die in battle to get to Valhalla, so I suggested to Sigurd that we fight,” said Wartooth, who, at a spry 150 years old, is also king of the Geats of East Götaland.

Harald Wartooth trotted out Ubbe of Friesland, the NBA (Norse Battle Association) leader in sacks, as well as Hothbodd the Indomitable and Are the One-eyed, both All-Stars in their own right. The were supported off the bench by 300 shieldmaidens led by Hed, Visna and Hedborg, representing the best of the best in the VBA (Valkyrie Battle Association).

Across the lines, battlefield heroes Starkald and Blig Bignose came from Norway to join Sigurd Ring’s army. Ring also penciled Gummi and Gudfast from Gislamark into starting roles.

“I was happy with the chemistry of the squad from the outset. We really came together nicely as a fighting unit,” Ring said.

The clash at Bråvalla lasted the entire day, with Ring emerging victorious. Forty thousand fighters received ejections to Valhalla. Among the fallen on Wartooth’s side was Ubbi who first racked up points killing Ragnvald the Wise Councilor, the champion Tryggvi and three Swedish princes.

Sigurd Ring countered the scoring barrage with his ace battler Starkad, who managed to wound Ubbi but was himself even more seriously wounded.

“Then Ubbi killed Agnar, and took the sword in both hands and slashed a path through the Swedish host, until he fell riddled with arrows from the archers of Telemark,” said one observer.

However, in a clutch moment worthy of Kurt Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run, a gimpy Starkad proceeded to slay the champions Brai, Grepi, Gamli and Haki in a berserker rage.

In the final quarter, Harald Wartooth left the match with a fatal blow to the skull and soon afterward fighting stopped and the battle was called in favor of Sigurd Ring’s army.

With the victory, Sigurd Ring becomes sovereign ruler of all of Sweden and Denmark.

“[The battle] could have just as easily gone the other way. We caught a couple of lucky bone breaks along the way and managed to pull out a win,” he said.

What followed in the subsequent hours was surely the most astonishing series of events in the more than 150-year history of Northwestern University.

An army of Viking invaders swiftly crossed Lake Michigan, easily overpowering the Coast Guard Patrol ships that came to meet them, and disembarked on the Lakefill as horrified students and faculty watched with fascination.

“I thought the Vikings died, like, 1,000 years ago,” said one shocked onlooker.

The invaders arrived so unexpectedly that they encountered little resistance as they flooded university buildings. The Vikings flooded the Allen center, stealing all of the Jolly Ranchers in the basket on the counter in the lobby, according to a displaced Kellogg student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of swift retribution from the Nordic marauders.

The Allen center was not the only target, though. The apparent leader, Erik the Red, went straight for the office of President Henry Bienen, challenging him to a fist-fight for the presidency of the University. The results of the scuffle are still unclear.

Asked why the Vikings chose Northwestern to conquer, Red concisely replied “rooooga booga.” But a prominent Nordic studies expert speculated that the Vikings chose Northwestern for its easy water access, excellent theater program and recent elevation to number 12 in the US News and World Report college rankings.

While the general reaction seemed to be shock and utter surprise, one student claimed he knew this day was coming. The McCormick freshman, co-president of Vikings International, Northwestern chapter, said “it was only a matter of time before Thor struck his mighty hammer once again.”

More to come.

Summary

• There are three people: Niflheim (a cold, icy bitch), Muspelt (a red-haired hothead) and Gunnungagap (hot but vapid). Ginnungagap is way hot, and Niflheim and Muspelt can’t resist him. So even though they’re BFFs, they are both way into Ginnungagap. The three go out to a bar and Niflheim starts pounding mead shots. Even though she’s pretty much a skanky whore I feel a little bad for her when Ginnungagap and Muspelt totally start hooking up while she’s blasted in the corner.
• OMG! So drunk wasty-waste Niflheim is taken to the hospital. She’s on life support and the diagnosis doesn’t look good. Her triplet brothers, Ymir and Buri, and younger sister, Audhumla, find out about Muspelt and Ginnungagap’s hookup and decide to avenge her, but Ginnungagap and Muspelt totally outsmart them.
• Buri and Bestla (Muspelt’s older sister) run off to Sweden to elope. Once they get back it turns out they only eloped because Bestla was pregnant with triplets! Oh shit — and Buri is already a baby-daddy (he had a son, Bor, with some rando princess earlier last season if you don’t remember). Bestla’s not just a little pregnant — she’s nine months pregnant, and within days of their elopement out pop Odin, Ve and Vili. Seriously, WTF. Then Niflheim dies.
• While Buri and Bestla are getting busy and poppin’ out babies, we find out that Ymir is a Bad Guy. Like, the worst of them all. It turns out he’s been in league with Ginnungagap and Muspelt the entire time. Once Niflheim dies, the whole sham is exposed. OMG. Is he seriously sleeping with Muspelt? I knew there was something fishy going on when they showed Muspelt and Ymir talking about taking a trip to Svalbard last week.
• Okay, so it turns out Odin, Ve and Vili are, like, these badass mutants that grow super quickly. A week passes and suddenly they’re ripped and shit and ready to actually avenge the death of Niflheim. So this tribe of redheads goes postal on fucking Ginnungagap and Muspelt and Ymir. I don’t see why they needed to show Ymir’s death so graphically. I mean, we get that he died. You don’t need to show us his head getting chopped off. I’ve been watching this show for, like, seventeen years and this is the grossest thing I’ve ever seen.
• OMG I LOVE ODIN. BEST NEW CHARACTER EVER. So when Ymir dies, all the other evil guys, like, kill themselves. So Odin is basically the king, and it turns out he’s, like, super artistic. He goes and sees wise grandpa Yggdrasil, who has totally been super annoyed with all the drama lately. But it looks like he and Odin will be BFFs (or would that be BRFs — Best Relatives Forever — LOL!), and together they, like, make the world. It’s pretty sweet.

Thoughts

• I can’t believe how many characters they killed off, OMG. Niflheim was totally not my favorite character but when she got drunk in the alley in Märsta on Rumspringa and Ginnungagap carries her out of the alleyway all ripped and hot and OMG best and hottest character ever, I thought she was dead. That was when my BF stopped watching because he said the show jumped the seal. Now she is actually dead (my BF Sven still isn’t watching), but so is Ginnungagap (my BFF and I are TOTES holding a funeral for him).
• So I know she died and shit but wasn’t Niflheim’s hair looking AWESOME this episode? SERIOUSLY. I will totally tell my hairdresser to give me that double-twisty-braid looks. Maybe I’ll bring in a carving of Niflheim from the episode. BAD. ASS.

Quote

Niflheim: (very drunk) I love you, G.
Ginnungagap: We’re mead for each other.

Next episode…
There is no next episode!

One of the principle gods of the Norse pantheon, Thor sat down with Norse by Norsewestern to reflect on being the god of thunder, having goat-drawn chariots and that time he lost a drinking contest.

What is your current state of mind?

Relaxed. I haven’t really done much the past 1000 years, as I’ve been in semi-retirement. I occasionally play racquetball with Zeus, a co-worker of mine. That keeps me pretty sane.

What is your greatest fear?

Losing Mjöllnir, my hammer.

Which living person do you most admire?

Retired professional wrestler Greg “The Hammer” Valentine.

Which living person do you most despise?

The Midgard Serpent. Oh wait, that’s right, I killed it. So probably the giants, if any are left…

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Having red hair.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Being a giant.

On what occasion do you lie?

Whenever I’m at a bar and chicks ask about my age or the mileage on my Camaro.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

My wife Sif and my mistress, the giantess Járnsaxa.

When and where were you happiest?

Whenever I’m riding in my chariot drawn by the goats Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr. I’m happiest then. Totes ma goats.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Maybe something artistic like being able to paint watercolors or play the harpsichord.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I’d like to be stronger than I already am. You can never be strong enough. I think I share that sentiment with a lot of bodybuilders, but don’t get me wrong, steroids are bad. [Flexes arms] These babies are all natural.

If you were to die and come back as another person or thing, what do you think it would it be?

A ConEdison employee – I think I’d be pretty good at it, considering my background as God of Thunder.

What is your favorite occupation?

I’d probably have to say being a god, but that’s not really a road open to everyone, so maybe carpenter or blacksmith. Basically any job where you get to use a hammer is pretty cool in my book.

Who are your favorite writers?

Definitely not Saxo Grammaticus, who in his 12th century work Gesta Danorum described me as a cunning sorcerer that had fooled the people of Norway, Sweden and Denmark into recognizing me as a god. He sucked.

What are your favorite names?

Helga, Leif and Sigismund.

What is your greatest regret?

The time in a drinking contest when I failed to empty a horn that was filled not with mead but with the whole ocean. I drank so much that it triggered the tidal changes, but ultimately I lost so it was pretty embarrassing at the time.

How would you like to die?

In battle at Ragnarök.

What is your motto?

Live free or die hard.

How did you enjoy taking the Proust Questionnaire?

Who the hell is Proust?

Who knows what lovely dragons I’ll encounter when I travel on a pillaging quest down south in a fortnight? Stay tuned!

The origins of Viking Metal are shrouded in mystery. Wikipedia claims the genre (described as having “galloping pace, keyboard-rich anthemic sound, bleakness and dramatic emphasis on Norse mythology, Norse paganism, and the Viking Age”) emerged in 1984, but who is to say Viking Metal didn’t spring out of the Norse saga Frá Fornjóti ok hans ættmönnum? I’m not going to read it, that’s for sure. Regardless of when and how Viking Metal came to be birthed, its screamed vocals about sailing and dragons unquestionably rule, and to celebrate I present to you my top ten Viking Metal bands ever.

10. Wolfchant

German group Wolfchant may not hail from Scandinavia proper, but the five-piece picked up on what exactly makes Viking Metal so awesome — epic, convoluted stories. The band’s album Bloody Tales of Disgraced Lands tells of the war of the Clan of Cross, which extensive Googling tells me never actually happened. It takes creativity to write a story, but it takes a special type of creativity to birth an hour-long CD about an imaginary war using mostly power chords. Wolfchant loses points for not being nearly Viking enough, sometimes slipping into run-of-the-mill pagan metal.

“I Am War”

Choice lyrics:
Now the night had broken in, 1000 men had met
Oh Odin be by my side, they all must follow me
And Odin appeared Aahr in shape of a falcon
For the years in which you were faithful to me, I will now recompense you

9. Vintersorg

Vintersorg used to “get” Viking Metal. On their first three albums, the group sang in their native Swedish about such time-tested subjects as dwarves and runes. But on fourth LP Cosmic Genesis, Vintersorg dropped Swedish for English and started singing about metaphysics and astronomy. They even gave Carl Sagan a shout out in the lyrics! Not very Norse. But still, rockin’ music.

“A Dialogue With The Stars”

Choice lyrics:
Ardent starshine upon my face,
the monumental nightsky reveal its torches.
Unaltered for aeons, yet zestful they’re flaming
like ornamental diamonds.

8. Glittertind

Glittertind sure loves Norway. The group not only named themselves after the second-tallest mountain in the country (did someone else scoop up the tallest?), but also released an album celebrating the centennial of Norwegian independence, featuring songs rallying against Christians, Nazis and the European Union. A true Viking takes pride in where he is from (especially if beloved children’s author Roald Dahl claims ancestry), and Glittertind takes this very seriously. Seriously enough to compose Viking Metal punks songs about the Norwegian constitution.

“The Battle of Stiklestad”

Choice lyrics:
Deep in our heathen hearts,
Grows hatred against the Christian foes.
I see they increase in numbers,
By their lies, threats and terror.

7. Týr

Týr don’t make this list because they are named after the Norse god of single combat and heroic combat. They don’t make this list because they have an album called Ragnarok. And they don’t make this list because they sing mostly about dragons and Valkyries. No, Týr make this top ten list because they hail from the Faroe Islands, a place with the most kick-ass coat of arms I’ve ever seen. Nothing says “Viking Metal” like a really pissed off goat.

“Regin Smiður”

Choice lyrics:
Greyfell carried the gold away from the heath
He swung his sword in wrath
Sigfried defeated the dragon
Greyfell carried the gold away from the heath

6. Norselaw

Remember the time Kid Rock took “Sweet Home Alabama” and sang about growing up in Michigan over it? Norselaw’s song “Sweet Home Scandinavia” is like that, but instead of singing about drinking near a lake (how rebellious!) he croons about stabbing people with swords (!) and dissing Lilith Fair (?). So, this song is awesome, and also the best Viking Metal-ish song an American has ever made.

“Sweet Home Scandinavia”

Choice lyrics:
Light up the lights for the sons of Northern Darkness
Take you sweet home
Forty foot sword being swung
By the lawful but magically enchanted red gnome

5. Bathory

Sweden’s Bathory pulled off a feat few bands can trumpet – they helped pioneer two genres of heavy metal. In the ’80s, Bathory contributed to what we now know as black metal by introducing elements like “Satanic lyrics, low-fi production and an inhuman vocal style, that defined the genre.” Wikipedia says so, it must be true. More importantly, for this list anyway, the band also aided in creating Viking Metal with their 1988 album Blood Fire Death, which introduced more epic sounds and Viking lore to their music. Bathory’s music became even more Norse-centric with subsequent releases such as Twilight of the Gods and Blood on Ice. Many other bands have built more rockin’ Viking Metal since Bathory birthed the genre, but lets not look past the group that made it OK to scream-sing about trolls and Valhalla.

“Blood on Ice”

Choice lyrics:
Long tall beautiful people fallen lifeless to the ground
Headless scattered still graceful bodies.
Blood coloured the white snow all around.
Through the dark deep woods to the mountains towering to the sky
The wind carries the quest for revenge and the tale of Blood on Ice.

4. The Vikings from Jason Forrest’s “War Photographer Video”

OK, the actual music you hear isn’t actually Viking Metal, but the video does feature vikings playing guitars and stuff, so it’s still pretty sweet. YouTube commenter Rukhage sums it up best: “Heavy Metal Viking Power Rangers GO! Hahaha!”

Choice lyrics:
Uhhhhh, use your imagination and knowledge of Odin to fill this in.

3. Enslaved

If Bathory bore Viking Metal, Norwegian rockers Enslaved reared the young genre on a diet of dragon’s milk and human flesh. Enslaved build on Bathory’s Viking emphasis, loading up their early albums with Norse mythological figures. Just look at seminal sophomore release Frost — that album features songs named after Norse figures like the god Loke and the giant wolf Fenris. Most importantly, Enslaved bring the rapid-fire drums and incomprehensible lyrics.

“Loke”

Choice lyric:
Takk weeps no heavy tears
For the loss of the sun’s handsome son
But the mare in the woods submits
For the regaining of Foster brother’s favor

2. Amon Amarth

Just watch the video below. Look at that hair twirling!

“The Pursuit of Vikings”

Choice lyrics:
Odin! Guide our ships
Our axes, spears and swords
Guide us through storms that whip
And in brutal war

1. Turisas

Turisas are relative younglings in the world of Viking Metal. The Finnish six-piece band may have formed back in 1997, but they didn’t release their first full-length album, Battle Metal, until 2004 and have only offered up one LP after that. Yet despite this low output, Turisas have taken Viking Metal into exciting new musical realms while also helping to make the often-ignored genre more mainstream than ever before. All while wearing face make-up similar to that of the WWE’s Kane.

Turisas don’t just play guitars and drums while glancing at Norse mythology Cliff’s Notes. They’ve expanded their sonic palette to include several other instruments, two in particular that display the group’s daring eye towards innovation. Turisas have pried the violin out of the wussy hands of Yellowcard and turned it into a fierce, beautiful part of their Scandanavian sound. Even more impressive, they’ve taken the accordion, a tool most often associated with Weird Al polka medleys, and transformed it into something as powerful as Thor’s hammer itself. One would think all this experimentation would push Turisas to some seldom-heard corner of the musical world, but the band has gained more attention than most Viking Metal bands. They opened for popular heavy metal band DragonForce and will be touring with another sorta-known band Cradle of Filth soon. No Viking Metal band simultaneously defines what it means to be a Viking Metal band while also pushing into new area unexplored by any other Viking Metal band.

“Rasputin”

Choice lyrics:
There lived a certain man in Russia long ago
He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow
Most people looked at him with terror and with fear
But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear

A beautiful day in my hometown of Bohuslän, Sweden. Photo by Jolantis on Flickr, licensed under Creative Commons.

My childhood hometown’s flag has three crudely rendered medieval images artlessly arranged — it’s a veritable tribute to asymmetry. A blue sword. A red castle. A blue lion (humping the castle?) Technology of the 21st century seems ludicrous and hostile, but it’s impossible not to acknowledge that the images on my hometown’s flag appear to be preeminent examples of Microsoft Word’s stock picture options.

Before we moved to Norway, my family and I lived in a hut 12 minutes inland. My father and I would fish among the rocky islands off Sweden’s coastline and after particularly hearty catches, he’d salute the flags on top of our home when we returned. There were always three, arranged vertically: Our family crest, a serpent’s tongue, on top; Sweden’s, stout and comfortable even in the terrorizing wind; and Bohuslän’s, forever snagging and tearing and tangling within itself.

Bohuslän’s flag needed replacing three or four times as I grew up. My mother could sew it from memory and I loved watching the sword take shape on the flag, a tantalizingly electric blue in the sea of white. There was something alluring and heroic in the blade’s solitude. It seemed for me, somehow, to represent a final, impenetrable defense. Even should the lion, against all odds, scale the castle, the sword still held its ground beyond, a glistening, awesome pillar.

At age 14, I traveled with my parents north to Norway. The fish in Bohuslän had become scarce and our province was fleeing the incursion of barbarians from the South. My father presented me with a gift before our departure, a sword wrapped in a goatskin sheath. I tested its balance and its girth in the wind with two hands as my father had taught me with sticks — decent. The steel tip was blunt and the blade near the base was uneven and almost serrated with rust. But in the morning sun it glowed a distinct, almost phosphorescent, blue.

Once we’d finished setting up our new hut, my father began to hoist up our flags. The family crest, Sweden’s. I grabbed his arm when he finished — what about Bohuslän’s? It was too dangerous, he said, now that we were beyond her borders. That night I hoisted it up anyway and waited with my blue-gleaming sword. Should the barbarians ransack Bohuslän and come north, should they mount our hut and plunder our wares, they’d still have me and my stalwart blade to face. And they’d suffer.