11 ways Northwestern can improve itself in the new year

    If you’re the kind of person who substitutes marathons of The Biggest Loser for exercise, the idea of setting New Year’s resolutions is more than your patience can bear right now. Because in 2008 you have other worries to look forward to – like Modern Cosmology and the effects of Britney Spears’ alleged meth addiction – we did the hard work for you, coming up with 11 ways we’re sure Northwestern can become a magically better person in the new year.

    What Evanston residents don’t want. Photo by Paul Schrodt / NBN.

    EVANSTON RESIDENTS: Stop trying to get us all raped. Even for our town-gown relations, residents questioning the effectiveness of Northwestern-installed emergency blue lights comes off as a little insensitive. Sexual assault happens, even in little towns outside of Chicago. Just ask Oprah.

    PEOPLE WHO PAINT THE ROCK: Stop using water-soluble paints. No one wants to wake up to a runny political symbol, especially when we have enough trouble figuring out which club you represent in the first place.

    FILM AND THEATER MAJORS: Quit smoking. You’re probably not that mysterious anyway if you come from Exit 46 in New Jersey.

    MCCORMICK ADVISERS: Stop confusing your students about their degree requirements. The rest of us (sort of) get advisers that might know about our major. But because engineering students aren’t assigned faculty in their own major to help them pick classes, they inevitably end up with the stoners in Philosophy of Language.

    JOHN LAVINE: Get a new phrase. We’re still not exactly sure what “relevant, differentiated storytelling” means. (Though maybe the marketing kids could tell us.)

    MUSIC MAJORS: Stop bitching about how hard your classes are. Okay, so Aural Skills probably sucks, but it’s not like you ever hear the quiet Orgo kids complaining. (Speaking of which, where are all of the Orgo kids?)

    UNDERGRADS: Vote. Since your polling place is Parkes Hall, there’s not really an excuse not to.

    DM DANCERS: Understand that we don’t want to give you any money. Not that we have anything against kids with cancer, but we’re broke.

    DINING HALL COOKS: Try mixing things up. We’ve all had the sneaking suspicion that today’s meat lasagna is yesterday’s uneaten Vegan Seitan Fingers ground up in mozzarella. It’s a little sketchy, and even though everyone’s kind of addicted to the “meat” loaf, we have to say sometimes our colon doesn’t quite agree.

    ANYONE WHO HANDS OUT QUARTER SHEETS: Stop right now. It’s annoying to pretend we care by taking one on our way to class. Just put flyers on the ground like everyone else – and who knows, maybe we’ll glance?

    MEDILL STUDENTS: Buy a copy of Us Weekly. Or any other trashy glossy. You might want to know why everyone reads it.


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