Before yesterday’s debacle of a game, I thought that Cal might give us some trouble, so it might be interesting to catalogue my thoughts and emotions throughout the game. What transpired in those few hours was, well, neither my nor Northwestern’s finest hour. Some people keep calm when they watch football. I am not one of those people:
2:15 p.m. CT: I am in the outskirts of Terrero, New Mexico on the bank of the Pecos River in the Sangre de Christo Mountains (shout-out to North American Geography). You’ve never heard of Terrero because no one has ever heard of Terrero. It’s a town of about 30 people. There’s no cell service here, but there is DirecTV, somehow.
2:20: I have a brief heart attack that the New Mexico demographic will get the Alabama-West Virginia game on ESPN2 instead of Northwestern.
2:25: Luckily NU is on TV. Also, the game hasn’t even started and I’ve already lost track of the number of times the broadcasters have talked about or referenced the Northwestern injury fiasco at the end of last year’s game against Cal.
2:27: Sideline reporter says Northwestern made the grass longer in order to slow down Cal. What.
2:30: It’s football season!!!
2:34: It’s football season...
Nick VanHoose drills a Cal player on a bubble screen
2:38: Man, maybe our defense can lay some people out this year!
2:50: Cal scores their first touchdown. I swear to my sister, Rachel, that we are actually going to be good this year.
Cal scores again.
3:15: No, I DON’T want to watch the Notre Dame game, MOM!
Northwestern punts from their own end zone to their own 30 yard-line.
3:20: “Daniel, maybe you should try out for punter.” – Mom.
Cal kicks a field goal, leads 17-0.
3:26: Good lord.
3:27: “Notre Dame is winning!” – Mom
Quarterback Trevor Siemian is picked off.
3:33: Okay, I’ll watch the fucking Notre Dame game.
Ibraheim Campbell gets an interception.
3:36: MOM SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME MISS?!
Cameron Dickerson catches a 54-yard touchdown pass from Siemian.
3:44: Alright! Now we just need to get a stop and we’re right back in it!
Cal scores again on a big TD catch and run.
3:52 Commentators begin the first of many very questionable comments throughout the game. This one around the idea that our safeties are too heavy and need to lose weight.
Commentators at it again with a bad pun on communication-major Siemian needing to communicate some good plays to his teammates.
4:02: Insert emoji: the one with the monkey covering his eyes.
4:05: I actually am considering walking on as a punter.
4:06: “Do you sometimes wish you went to a good football school?” – Rachel “No, it’s fun to complain.”
A Northwestern University commercial comes on with Michael Wilbon narrating, showing Nobel Prizes, Lacrosse National Titles, Emmy’s, and more. Suck it, Cal.
4:15: “That was a really shitty commercial.” – Rachel “Fuck you.”
NU goes three and out on their first drive.
4:30: Seriously I could have punted it further than that.
Cal scores again, going up 31-7.
4:37: Cal hasn’t beaten an FBS opponent since October 12, 2012. Just saying.
4:39: Broadcasters comment on the weight of our safeties, again.
4:41: Broadcasters start talking about unionization.
4:44: Siemian misses second straight pass, we go three and out again. Meanwhile, they’re still talking about unionization.
4:46: Talk about unionization is only stopped by a Papa John’s commercial.
4:48: Broadcaster makes the acute observation that “negative plays really hurt a team’s ability to score,” minutes after saying, “Northwestern students aren’t even in school yet, but Cal is taking its football players to school!”
4:50: Junior and former NBN assistant sports editor Ben Sanders tweets this:
Could really use Jammie Jammie Jammie and squeeeeps right now— Ben Sanders (@Bsands16) August 30, 2014
And I proceed to lose all faith in humanity.
5:00 Hey! We scored! Justin Jackson!!!!!!! Yaaaaayaaayayayaya
5:01. Okay, all we need to do now is stop them, get the ball back, and score again, then stop them, get the ball back and score again, then stop them, get the ball back, and score again. Yeah!
Collin Ellis interception
5:04: Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahaha. Ok.
Northwestern scores on the very next play on a wide receiver screen-quarterback throwback play. 31-21 Cal leads.
5:10: So now we only need a stop, get the ball and score, then a stop, get the ball and score. Cal is driving 5:12: Maybe our safeties do need to lose some weight?
5:15: I think back to one of my recent articles where I sarcastically said Chi Chi Ariguzo should play runningback. Plot twist: put him at QB? Like 30 percent kidding.
Cal punting to the ‘Cats
5:18: I’m calling a punt-return touchdown right now.
5:19: Terrible call. I should never go into broadcasting.
The next few moments in emojis:
Northwestern gets a turnover on downs, regains possession of the ball.
5:31: Broadcaster confidently declares that Northwestern is alive and as a shot, mere minutes after comparing Cal quarterback Jared Goff (13 career starts, now two wins) to Peyton Manning. Someone needs to be fired.
5:41: Justin Jackson and Solomon Vault together are sick.
We kick a field goal. 31-24 Cal. One possession game
5:42: BY THE BEARD OF BUDZEIN
Northwestern forces a three and out.
5:48: No. Stop it.
5:49: Oh my God please stop toying with my emotions.
Siemian sacked for a big loss.
5:51: “You know, Notre Dame won by 31” – Rachel
Siemian throws the interception, icing the game.
5:53: At least we made it interesting? Sherman Ave put it best:
There we go. That's the crushing sadness I remember. #NUvsCal— Sherman Ave (@Sherman_Ave) August 30, 2014
6:00: The game is officially over, ESPN2 switches to the NASCAR nationwide series. In the first shot of the fans, I think I spot three people with a total of ten teeth and have 20 beers.
6:02: Today has been a real bummer. Welcome to the life of a Cowboys fan, Northwestern.
6:04: “That was a really shitty article” – Rachel