While it may be 4/20 on Saturday, nobody should be smoking before hopping on the El to go to Wrigley Field to watch the ‘Cats take on Michigan.
Whether you are a first-time toker or a seasoned veteran, you never want to commit the cardinal sin of 4/20: burning out too early. If you plan on spending the evening at Wrigley, you'll want to make the most of the experience.
To start things off, get up early, smoke with some friends, munch on some breakfast and then take a nice little ‘Cat nap before heading over to the 6:05 p.m. game. Feeling a little groggy? Grab a coffee or energy drink so you are up and at ‘em. Preparatory work is the most important part of making sure you have the best day/night you can.
You will have plenty of time to get everything you need the day of, except the pot itself. Don’t be an idiot. Most dealers smoke a lot of weed and aren’t exactly the most punctual or reliable people in the world. Get some the night before. If you don’t have a consistent dealer, maybe start asking around now.
Make sure you buy two tickets (only $7), and when you get up put on some long socks (I’ll explain both later). Next, grab some lunch, then hit up CVS. You probably just spent some money on weed, so do yourself a favor and don't get snacks that cost $7.50 at Wrigley. I don’t think I have to tell you that smoking without snacks is like trying to pitch with your eyes closed: You can do it, but it doesn’t make any sense. Some personal favorites are Starbursts, Sour Patch Kids and, of course, Skittles.
“I hate Skittles,” said nobody ever. Seriously though, have you ever offered somebody some Skittles who said no? If you know somebody who has, he or she is probably that friend who nobody really likes.
Next, go buy some cigarettes, or if you have a friend who smokes them, ask to borrow a couple. Empty out the tobacco from those babies and fill them up with your bud. Now you have a totally inconspicuous way to smoke a joint out in public.
Still, refrain from smoking in traffic-heavy areas. This isn’t Colorado. I recommend hopping on the Purple Line to Howard then switching over to the Red Line. Get off at Sheridan and go a block south and two blocks east to Gill Park. If it’s too crowded just go a couple more blocks east, where plenty of lakeside fields are just begging for college kids to come light up in them.
Once you’ve gotten your fix, pop on those gameday sunglasses (helpful for both glare and redeye protection), put any extra cigarettes in one of your socks (easily the best place to hide a joint) and head over to the ballpark!
Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre are at the park
Now, if you have managed your time well, you should have some time for another quick snack before heading into Wrigley. The two most obvious destinations are McDonald’s on North Clark St. and Taco Bell on West Addison St. Both are about a minute's walk from the front gate of Wrigley.
Personally, I think of Taco Bell as drunk food more than high food. Plus, the Dees has McFlurries and McNuggets, basically a meal from a five-star restaurant when you are baked.
Once you get in line for a pat-down before entering the game, stay calm and try not to get paranoid. Remember, they don’t know you’re high even if you think everybody can tell. They can’t.
Once you have found your seat, relax and take it easy. Any food (mmm… I love cotton candy) or drink (I need a drink because of this goddamn cottonmouth) can be purchased from the leisure of your seat.
Hopefully the game has a lot of offense. Unless you are an avid baseball fan, a slow-moving game or a pitcher’s duel can get dry quickly. Even if the game lets you down, there are still plenty of things to keep a stoned kid entertained at a baseball game.
The last time I went to Wrigley was two or three years ago, so I don’t remember the exact games they put on the big screen, but every stadium has them. You know, those mini-games where a banana, orange and apple race and the crowd is supposed to guess who will win. At Yankee Stadium, it’s always a subway race. And even though the game is predetermined before you select the winner, you always feel like a boss when you guessing correctly.
Take a look through the program and see which players you’d like to smoke a joint with and why. Sounds stupid, but a lot of stupid things aren’t so stupid when you are stupid.
If you are a gambling man or woman, try making some bets on really obscure things. For example, friends and I always used to bet on whether the ball would land on the mound or roll off when the pitcher, catcher, etc. rolled the ball toward the mound at the end of each inning.
Be ready for some T-shirt tosses. Fact: Winning things are just better when you’re high. You know those numbers you can text mid-game to get a message on the big screen? Have a little fun. Try and incorporate some subtle 4/20 jokes.
Bad example: Dude, I’m so stoned! The Wildcat’s are awesome!
Okay example: The Wildcats are flying high today!
Better example: The ‘Cats are smoking hot today! Go Northwestern!
You have to find the right balance of school spirit and weed references. Trust me, I used to spend whole Yankees games trashing Joe Buck up on the big screen, even when he wasn’t calling the game.
Kush it to the limit
Seventh-inning stretch? More like seventh-inning smoke! Walk right out of the gates of Wrigley for another nice smoke session with you and your 4/20 crew. Here is where you use that second ticket to get back in the game without any hassles. Now, there usually is a smoking section at baseball games, but I wouldn’t chance a lame (not stoned) person tattling to security because he or she smells what you are actually up to.
Once you have regained some energy from your second Wrigley roast, head back into the game and enjoy the final two innings. By this time, it should probably be pretty dark out. Let’s face it; nighttime sporting events are more exciting.
If you haven’t already gorged on with some Dippin’ Dots, do so on your way out of the game.
Hop back on the El, this time just getting on Addison toward Howard and then back to the Purple Line toward Northwestern. Have a nice rest on the ride back and enjoy what’s left of your 4/20, whatever that may include.