American Idol: Week 8 Elimination
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    Brooke was by far the worst of last night, making her tonight’s eliminated contestant. Photo courtesy of AmericanIdol.com.

    It’s elimination time, people! Let’s cut a bitch! SPOILERS!

    This week, Seacrest is old and saggy. Also, in the audience tonight is Kristy Lee Cook. They shouldn’t give her tickets. Unless she promises to cage fight with David Archuleta. It’s about time he got a little edge. Other alumni appearing were Constantine Maroulis and Ace Young, though Idol only talked to Constantine.

    Paula looks like a miniature bride in ugly garb tonight. Except that I’m afraid to find out the type of wedding she would be invited to.

    I have no idea what the idols sang for the first song, but I do know it was pretty much atrocious. There should be an Executive Order to end this. After all, this is American Idol, which implies that America is supposed to be all good with this stuff. There’s this thing called democracy that’s supposed to nip this stuff in the bud.

    Ryan affirmed that Idol loves Paula, the rumors about her being drunk were not true, and that she is apart of their family. Exactly. She’s like the crazy aunt you don’t leave alone with your kids. Because every time you come back to pick them up, Paula’s crying and your kids are huddled in a corner. It’s anyone’s guess what happened there. But no way there was ever any booze involved. No, seriously. Paula is legitimately crazy. Don’t blame the booze for her mood disorder.

    Theory time! Maybe David Archuleta is Paula’s kid. I know there’s crap everywhere about his mom and they even quickly showed her on tonight, but I’m pretty sure incoherency runs in the family.

    Natasha Bedingfield performed. She was rocking the high-waisted pants and overly defined eyes. It was something about taking her away and, as usual, sunshine. So she pretty much rocks. She looks like sunshine. And she’s British. Except that she touched David Archuleta and acknowledged him as a person. For shame.

    Viewers learned about Simon’s first kiss. It wasn’t that forgettable, even though it was when he was 9. Guess you never forget your first time. Apparently, kissing Simon causes rabies and leads to therapy. It was almost cute, except for the fact that I keep imaging Simon being a harsh judge at 9. “No, I didn’t get enough varying pressure, Tara. Sorry.”

    Neil Diamond performed “Pretty Amazing Grace” from his new album, number 26. Like, when our grandmothers were busy getting knocked up, this guy started making music. I bet when David Archuleta finally starts to progress past the age of 12, Neil will still be cranking out albums. That’s a long time from now, kids.

    Side note: Why did Neil’s back up singers look like hookers working Las Vegas?

    Bottom Two:
    Brooke
    Syesha
    Eliminated Contestant:
    Brooke

    Finally! I’m surprised America let its little Betsy Wetsy doll go. And once again, she’s crying. Singing and crying. This is almost as satisfying as when the cage fighting, elimination avoiding extraordinaire went home. That Brooke is an ugly crier. She sounded really good singing this song last night, but right now she sounds like the first few rounds of the show with the auditions in random big cities and hopefuls without a shot wearing capes. In fact, David Cook gave her a look and even tried to sort of stop the madness. Oh well. At least I won’t have to see her crying all the time. This is American Idol, bitch, not a screening of Terms of Endearment.

    I’m out until the Idols butcher some Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Until the Rock gods go ballistic, tootles!

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