Money (n): something many college students don’t have enough of, including Gabe Schmittlein and Rahul Parikh. In this week’s Anything but Politics, they offer you some advice on coping with being broke. Transcript below.
Jakob Lazzaro: Hey guys, Audio Section Editor Jakob Lazzaro here with a quick announcement. Did you know that all of your favorite NBN podcasts are now available on iTunes? Just do a quick search for North by Northwestern in the Apple Podcasts app, tap on your favorite show, and hit subscribe so you’ll get a notification whenever we post a new episode. Here’s the show!
Gabe Schmittlein: Hello, I’m Gabe Schmittlein.
Rahul Parikh: And I'm Rahul Parikh.
Gabe: And for NBN Audio,
Rahul: This is Anything but Politics.
Gabe: Where we talk about anything, but politics.
Gabe and Rahul: Let’s get political, political, not.
Gabe: Alright so this week, we're gonna be talking a lil money, a lil finance coming at you and the reason we're gonna be talking about this, we have a reason.
Rahul: Gabe is broke.
Gabe: Gabe is broke.
Rahul: We are broke.
Gabe: Yeah, we're college students, we're livin that college student life, we're both pretty broke. It's the end of the year, I mean, worked over the summer, had some money for the first half of the year, now your boy's seriously running the well dry, as they say.
Rahul: Well, hey, reasons you might be running low: Northwestern dining rips you off.
Gabe: Yeah, Northwestern dining, scam city, population them.
Gabe: That's scandalous, Rahul.
Rahul: Extremely scandalous. I complain about this every other day.
Gabe: Rahul, roast them, absolutely roast them Rahul.
Rahul: Okay so, we're going to teach everyone who is also broke, which is probably all of you.
Gabe: Yeah, all of you listening.
Rahul: We're gonna teach you all how to make money, because we are big...
Gabe: Specifically on Northwestern's campus I guess, but these can be generally applied, some of them, probably not all of them, but maybe some of them.
Rahul: More so you have some pocket change for your Northwestern needs.
Gabe: Right, do you wanna say our first idea?
Rahul: Yeah, so I'm a big fan, I mean I've never done this, but I'm a big fan of talking about doing this: doing all the research studies that Kellogg has.
Gabe: I also love talking about doing them then not doing them.
Rahul: Yeah I've never done one, but actually I'm signed up for the mono study tomorrow, more on that later. But my favorite research study that I recommend is pretend to be a couple with somebody that you're not dating, or somebody that you are dating, but it's more fun if you're not dating.
Gabe: Also works if you're dating tho.
Rahul: It's a lot more fun if you're not actually in a relationship with them. And do the couple study, shoutout to...
Gabe: Rahul wait, should we do it together?
Rahul: Yeah, I mean...
Gabe: Can we pretend to be a couple?
Rahul: After I do it with my current couple and break up with her, fake break up with her.
Gabe: We're a really polygamist couple, perhaps.
Rahul: Oh, like multiple?
Gabe: We'll talk about this.
Rahul: We will talk about this. Well the thing is, you only get $20 so we'd have to split it three ways.
Gabe: Oh, I don't really like that, yeah. But the real, I think the real definitive best way to get money on this campus, is to get mono.
Rahul: That is true.
Gabe: Just have someone spit some mono down your throat.
Rahul: That's right, if you get mono you get $120. And if you don't get mono, you still get 60 bucks, so it's a good one.
Gabe: So maybe get some mono. So now that we've taught you how to get money, we've really thoroughly covered how you're gonna get money, we thought we’d say how to save money, so first off, liquidate your funds.
Rahul: First off, find out what it means to liquidate your funds.
Gabe: So I wrote this down, ‘cause it seems smart, but I don't really know what it means either. I think it's to get your funds in cash or something like that but I don't really know. On the other hand, maybe you tie up all your capital in physical assets.
Rahul: Such as?
Gabe: Maybe buy that painting you've always been wanting that's like a thousand dollars.
Rahul: Hmm, so you're saying save money by not saving money.
Gabe: Well, you save money, no you’re not saving money I guess.
Rahul: Okay… alright Gabe…
Gabe: Your money is tied up in physical assets, like that painting, maybe you buy a boat, and just like leave it out back of Elder.
Rahul: Well I guess if you don't have any money to spend, then you're actually saving the money that you don't have to spend.
Gabe: Oh, my God, you just wrapped my mind in a pretzel.
Rahul: So I think I'm liking the second option. On the other hand, maybe tie up all your capital.
Gabe: Tie it all up in capital, don't liquidate, don't liquidate, everybody's liquidating right now, we tell you zig when people zag.
Rahul: Wow, that was beautiful.
Gabe: Yeah, zig when people zag, go for physical assets, capital in physical assets, buy a boat, what else can you buy?
Rahul: A Tesla.
Gabe: A Tesla, buy a full DVD set of Scrubs.
Rahul: Maybe don't do that, but…
Gabe: That's gonna raise in value.
Rahul: Blu-ray, how bout blu-ray?
Gabe: Blu-ray. Blu-ray, blu-ray's the future, is what I say.
Rahul: Blu-ray is the future. Fun fact, I think Blu-ray was actually created for adult entertainment viewing at home.
Gabe: Oh, you don't say, kinda scandalous.
Rahul: We might have to fact check that
Gabe: Yeah, that may not be true.
Gabe: More actual ways how to save money, Venmo request people. Sometimes it works, sometimes people just can't say no.
Rahul: Has it worked for you?
Gabe: It's worked on me, but it's not worked for me.
Rahul: And do you actually owe these people money or do they just request?
Gabe: No, someone just requested money, not a huge sum, a dollar.
Rahul: Gabe, this is maybe why you…
Gabe: Maybe that's why I'm broke. Kind of a Rahul move here, is to say you'll Venmo people then don't, like you're at a movie and you're like oh, can you get me for this? I'll Venmo you later.
Rahul: We've never been to a movie together, Gabe.
Gabe: Do you want to change that?
Rahul: Yeah, Gabe, I wanna change that. Let's go to a movie!
Gabe: Oh we're going on a date.
Rahul: Yeah, that's cute. When we get money, because we don't have any right now.
Gabe: Yeah, we don't have any money right now.
Rahul: So if making money and saving money doesn't work for you, we're gonna teach you how to steal money.
Gabe: Not that we condone stealing, but if we did,
Rahul: If we did.
Gabe: If we did, this is how we would do it:
Rahul: So there's a lot of magic tricks where you can, you know, sleight of hand tricks, where you can pickpocket people.
Gabe: You think people can head over to the YouTube and find those?
Rahul: I think so. We'll put a link, maybe. We probably won't.
Gabe: We probably won't. We're probably not gonna put a link. But yeah, just like consider stealing as an option, but don't because we don't condone that, but if we did, consider it.
Rahul: We don't condone it, but if we did, definitely consider it.
Gabe: In a similar sort of vein, best stealing movies? There are a lot of them, I love stealing movies in fact.
Rahul: I love stealing movies from stores also.
Gabe and Rahul: [Laughter] Oh, I was just, yeah.
Gabe: Inception, they steal...
Rahul: They steal dreams, well actually, they steal thoughts.
Gabe: They steal dreams.
Rahul: Well actually, they steal thoughts.
Gabe: It's very complex.
Rahul: They steal and plant thoughts.
Gabe: The Italian Job, which is a movie that we've talked about before but Rahul's never seen. I think they just steal a lot of money.
Rahul: Do they?
Rahul: Would you consider The Usual Suspects?
Gabe: Haven't seen The Usual Suspects. Tower Heist is maybe the most impractical stealing movie ever, because they lower a car down the side of a building. Which like hmmm?
Rahul: Hmmm. How practical is that?
Gabe: I'm not sure.
Rahul: Eddie Murphy, though, great guy.
Gabe: I love Eddie Murphy. Donkey. Donkey!
Rahul: Donkey teeth.
Rahul: Like Key and Peele.
Gabe: Oh, was that a reference?
Gabe: Okay. Next up, we're gonna just do some, I don't know, we're gonna do something. What's the best job that pays the least? I have an answer for this.
Rahul: What's your answer?
Gabe: Journalism? A couple big-J Journalists over here just trying to make it. And we’re broke.
Rahul: And we're already broke, so we need more money.
Gabe: Yeah, so what's up with that?
Rahul: I mean that's kind've true. You get to travel, you talk to people.
Gabe: Yeah it's pretty cool, also, it's not a good paying job right now but I think print journalism might be coming back soon.
Rahul: You think so? No, you don't actually think that. That’s not true, Gabe.
Rahul: Best job that pays the least? D-League Basketball.
Gabe: Yeah, it would be kinda fun but you don't get paid a lot.
Rahul: It's a lot of fun but you don't make the same amount money.
Gabe: Things that we have that money can't buy, money is not even a factor in these things.
Rahul: We don't have money, but we do have these things.
Gabe: First off, each other.
Rahul: We have each other.
Gabe: We have each other, Rahul.
Rahul: And we're going to see a movie.
Gabe: What a great episode for us. Second off, another thing that we have that money can't buy, Tasty Videos. You can watch them all day. You think you're gonna be charged for that? You're not gonna be charged for it.
Rahul: The Tasty Videos actually make me hungry which makes me wish that I had money to buy all that food.
Gabe: You're saying there's some.... Opportunity cost.
Rahul: There's some reverse something... Sunk costs or something.
Gabe: We just tossed out two economics terms,
Rahul: That we have no clue.
Gabe: That I don't think really apply.
Rahul: Last thing that we have that money can't buy, love. But just kidding, because you can definitely buy love.
Gabe: Yeah you can definitely buy love. I've seen websites for it.
Rahul: Okay! [laughter] Moving on.
Gabe: Shoutouts! And now we’ll do some shoutouts.
Rahul: Shoutout to President Trump for how great the economy—
Gabe: WOAH, WOAH!
Rahul: Sorry, got too political. Yikes.
Gabe: Yeah, no. Give me a different shoutout.
Rahul: Two rough sentences from each of us in the last 20 seconds. Shoutout to my parents for paying my tuition so I'm not actually that broke.
Gabe: Yeah, I think sometimes we don't shoutout our parents enough. Hey Barb and Dave, shoutout to you guys, you're really doing it.
Rahul: Shoutout to my parents also.
Gabe: My parents are really excited for Guardians of the Galaxy, the second one.
Rahul: I thought it was mainly just Dave.
Gabe: Yeah it's mostly just Dave, Barb's along for the ride. But yeah shoutout to Guardians of the Galaxy for getting my dad hyped about something.
Rahul: You tell Dave that if he comes to watch Spiderman: Homecoming with me, I will watch Guardians of the Galaxy, the first one, and then I'll go to watch the second one.
Gabe: Okay that's a complex sort of ordeal, but I'll propose that to him. Shoutout to the weather... Not!
Rahul: Oh a little, not!
Gabe: Shook you up there!
Rahul: Shook me up.
Gabe: Yeah the weather's been bad.
Rahul: It has been kinda crazy. I mean it's May and we have like 50 degree rainy weather.
Gabe: I don't like it.
Rahul: Not fun. Shoutout to our awesome guests for next week and you're going to have to tune in next week to figure out who it is.
Gabe: Next week we should have a dope show.
Rahul: We might have multiple guests actually.
Gabe: I mean we had a dope show this week but next week is gonna be crazy.
Rahul: Next week is gonna be a new benchmark.
Gabe: It's going to be awesome and you guys should all tune in. I think that's it for this week.
Rahul: That is it for this week. This has been,
Gabe: For NBN Audio.
Rahul: For NBN Audio, this has been Anything but Politics.
Gabe: I'm Gabe Schmittlein.
Rahul: And I'm Rahul Parikh.
Gabe: We'll see you next time.
Rahul: We will.