Best laptops I never had

    Thank God you blew it/I thank God I dodged the bullet/I'm so over you/So baby good lookin' out

    I’ve had my share of laptop love affairs. They’ve all been a bit too short-lived for my taste, but I’ll take the blame and just say the cliche: “It’s not you; it’s me.” No, really, it’s me. It’s all my fault. I don’t know if I’ve broken hearts, but I’ve definitely broken hard drives. Three of them.

    It's hard to believe anyone could understand the trials I've gone through. Except Beyoncé. She totally gets it: the lost love, the hopelessness, the reliving good times. So let my tale be told through Queen Bey herself...

    Me and my boo and my boo coupe riding/All up in that black with his chick right beside him

    The first breakup was with MacBook, and it was super dramatic, as any first breakup should be. Our last date was glorious.... Mac was looking super sleek and polished, like the delicious, futuristic eye candy he was. The setting: a charming cafe, Portland, Maine. As the sun set, we got into our car, ready to head home. Or, rather, I got into the car. Engine on. Drove away. Getting on the highway, I heard something fall off the roof. MAC! I hastily pulled over, ran back to my beloved and dashed out into the middle of the highway to pick him up – oh, the things you do for love. But it was too late to revive him; Mac and I were done.

    I could have another you in a minute/Matter of fact, he’ll be here in a minute

    But I rebounded quickly. This time, a ThinkPad. I mean, I couldn’t date someone who would remind me of Mac! ThinkPad was a little small, but I was surprised to realize I liked being the big spoon after falling asleep watching Netflix on him. And ThinkPad was sturdy, or, he appeared to be. One night I was walking to my bedroom, cradling him gently in my arms, when, all of a sudden, he slipped right out of my loving grasp and crashed hard onto the ground. Some people have a few commitment issues. I have a commitment curse.

    Upgrade you/I can up/Can I up/Lemme upgrade you/Partner let me upgrade you.

    Anyway, my third and last (to date) laptop was a MacBook Pro – far more masculine than Mac the First. Mac was just a boy, but Pro was a man. However, our relationship was a mere Welcome Week affair. And we know how those end: quickly. In this case, it was a month. A beautiful month of library study sessions, Lakefill sunbathing and dining hall dinner dates. But in the heat of one of our cozy cramming sessions in Deering, I stupidly took the lid off my coffee to let it cool, and before I knew it, I had spilled coffee all over Pro. The parts of him that I loved most – the brightness button, the long spacebar, the mute key – all forever injured from burns I had inflicted upon him.

    All the single ladies, all the single ladies/All the single ladies/Now put your hands up/Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

    Now, I don’t take these relationships lightly – believe me, these guys are not cheap dates – but I’ve gotten pretty good at the whole eat-a-box-of-chocolates-and-move-on thing. And now, the one-night, pick-me-up thing. Lately, I’ve realized that there are so many types of desktops to try in Info Commons! The next time you stop by the library, look for the girl gazing dreamily into an oversized monitor near the printer. At least I’m learning valuable life lessons from these technological tragedies. When I am upset about my latest broken laptop, I look deep into my heart and wonder, “Isn’t it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" My answer is yes. Anything in the name of love, even that strange love for mere bits of silicon and metal. 


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