Breaking up with Newt Gingrich

    It’s time to let yourselves grieve. As of last week, Newt Gingrich is officially out of the presidential race. I, for one, will certainly miss his double chin and plans to rid society of child labor laws. But it’s time for us to cut our ties. Breaking up can be hard, though. Try out these easy lines and you’ll be prepared to end things with Mr. Gingrich. 

    “Look Newtie Patootie, we’ve gotta talk. This might hurt, but I'm just going to come right out and say it. You've probably known this has been coming for a while. I’m having a lot of doubts about our relationship right now. I thought this was going to be our year. I thought 2012 would be special, but that was just a pipe dream. I really don’t think you’re the candidate for me. To be honest, you leave a lot to be desired. You’re old news. You only won two states, penguins hate you and you’ve been around the block a time or two or three. You’ve had a great run on Capitol Hill, my little Fig Newton, but it’s time to give it up. I think it’d be better if we weren’t together anymore.”

    When he asks where this is coming from, be honest.

    “It’s the little things that are getting to me – your constant tweeting, the way you part your hair, your strange obsession with zoos, the scary way Callista looks at me. It's all the dumb shit you say. When you said to me, 'I'm not a natural leader. I'm too intellectual; I'm too abstract; I think too much,' I wanted to throw up. You're just making yourself sound like a political hipster, and no one likes those assholes. Or the time when you said that 'a mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about.' What does that even mean? You say these things to me like they're supposed to mean something. I just don't get you."

    If he starts to get emotional, try to soften the blow. 

    “Honestly, it’s not you, it’s me. I need a reliable candidate, and I don’t think that’s something you can be for me right now. You want more from me than I am willing to give, like…my vote and my money. You deserve a voter that truly cares about you and your campaign and is willing to give you what you need. That being said, I hope we can still be friends. We've shared something really special over the centuries you've been in politics. I think that you’re a great guy and I am sure that you will make some other constituent really happy someday.” 

    At this point, it’s crucial that you stick by your decision. There’s no room for post-breakup hookups. There’s no point in writing his name on the ballot at the last minute. You’ve got walk away and stay away. Keep yourself busy. Take that trip to the moon you and Newt had always planned, but do it for yourself. Keep your chin up and don’t worry: One day you will find someone who deserves your vote. 


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