Call me! Your post-hookup guide

    There’s nothing quite like waking up in the middle of the afternoon with breath so alcohol-soaked it could sterilize your toothbrush — only to find a half-dressed warm body sharing your pillow. Oh, and you have no clue as to how they got there (but you’re betting they didn’t Apparate). Congratulations: you have now completed the infamous drunken hook-up. Now what? Whether you remember what happened last night or not, it’s time to face … oh, you’ve forgotten his or her name already.

    Whatever your definition of hooking up is, the effects of those one-night stands usually last more than, well, one night. On a campus scarcely a mile long, the likelihood is dangerously high that you’ll see him or her again in your four-year tenure at this university. Kind of appalled by what the cat (read: you) dragged in? Be prepared to hide your face for the next month in chemistry lab. But even if last night was not your shining moment, don’t make this morning as regrettable. “It all depends on the context of the hookup,” Weinberg sophomore Harlin Shapiro said.

    What to do when you wake up

    Be polite. Whether or not you’d invite this person into bed with you when sober, he or she is there now. Your mantra: hospitable, not hostile. If you both have blazing hangovers, offer up a bottle of Ice Mountain’s finest and don’t rush them out. More likely than not, your conquest wants to leave as quickly as possible, too.

    If you can help it, don’t make them suffer the walk of shame. See if they have a friend who lives nearby or if they want to make a phone call first.

    And if you’re the one stranded in a stranger’s bed at the far edge of campus? Be polite, and certainly do not overstay your welcome. Call a cab, text a friend or strap on your heels (or penny-loafers?) and get a-walkin’.

    If you never, ever, ever want it to go anywhere

    Right, so remember what I just said about being polite? Right. Don’t be too polite. Not Polite Enough: “Out of my bed, ye scoundrel!” Just Polite Enough: “Thank you for using a condom. It was nice meeting you.” And Too Polite? “Wow, I really like that thing you did with your solarplex. Are you going to friend request me or should I just go ahead and do it?” It isn’t a complicated science.

    Though a nice thing to do, walking a stranger to their dorm might send the wrong message: that you want something to come out of the hookup, for instance. If that’s not the case, there’s usually no need to call afterwards to “check up,” either. As a general rule, if you didn’t know the girl or guy’s name or number before the hookup, the morning after is not the time to ask. “Just ignore the situation unless it’s someone you really like,” Weinberg sophomore Christian Gero said.

    If it was just one night of too much alcohol, say so. More likely than not, he or she feels the same. And if not, at least he or she knows.

    If you do want it to go somewhere

    Those six shots of Smirnoff were exactly what you needed to show that special someone that you’d like to be more than Spanish study buddies — now what?

    First and foremost, just because the object of your affection (or untamable lust) hooked up with you is no indication that he or she is interested in something more serious, although it doesn’t mean you have zero chance, either. Once again, sober communication is key. A casual Facebook message for lunch is innocent enough, but if he or she doesn’t respond, that’s probably a sign that the feeling isn’t mutual. “Sound sincere when you say want to see them again,” Weinberg freshman Chris Miller said, “I’d call her.”

    And if the lack of mutuality leaves you feeling used? Feel free to withhold your Spanish notes for the rest of the quarter. Let the jerk figure out La Usupadora on his or her own time.

    If it was a friend or dormmate

    Don’t avoid them — as if you could. So, you were out with a friend or some people from the dorm when your need to grab the nearest person and kiss them senseless took hold. There’s obviously no way to avoid this person for more than a week, and you probably don’t want to ruin a friendship over something silly like hormones. Yes, that was them in the towel walking out of the bathroom; you could tell by the tattoo.

    Once again, straightforward communication is key. Talk it out later that afternoon or the next day. The quicker you deal with it, the less of an issue it has to be. It’s awkward. It’s embarassing. But it’s a sign of maturity and more likely than not, fewer people will find out, too.

    If this is a person you will probably be spending drunken time with in the future, it’s best to set boundaries. If it was a mistake, you don’t have to say, “I just never thought I’d ever touch you,” but you can gently suggest that it was a bad idea that probably shouldn’t happen again.

    And if it made you see your friend in a whole new light? That’s a fun topic for “straightforward conversation” time.

    No matter what happens

    Expect people to know. No matter how sneaky you thought you were slipping out of their dorm room, few are discreet when they’re drunk (inside-out tank-top, anyone?).

    Whether your friends give you grief or high-fives, more than a few will probably ask, “So, what happened with the blond/brunette/redhead/baldie?” There’s no need to announce your activities, but don’t be surprised if you raise a few eyebrows by not returning home until 10 a.m. the next day.

    Use protection. You’ve heard it a million times, but no matter what sort of sexual act you’re engaging in, always be protected. According to the Center for Disease Control, 1 in 1500 college students are HIV positive. With all the other diseases floating around, and the possibility of unplanned pregnancy looming, it’s worth some effort.

    Sadly, 1 out of 5 college students don’t practice safe sex when intoxicated. Other motors skills also suffer when you’re drunk (example: that’s why you fall down the stairs, like nine times). Be extra careful that contraception isn’t just on, it’s on right.

    Finally, don’t get upset. As long as you are protected and STI free, there’s really nothing more that has to come of it. You might have been the first to have a one-night stand of your friends, but worry not: everyone makes bad choices. Their time will come.


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