This Saturday, A&O is putting on a screening that showcases an integral part of your childhood: the Disney Channel Original Movie. Made-for-TV films carry a stigma (mostly due to Lifetime) but DCOMs were different: their hour-and-a-half long features with flimsy premises and abysmal acting were targeted at kids—and we loved them. One Friday each month, you would sit in front of a television at seven (six central) and wait for your thinly veiled morality lesson from the Disney Channel. They’ve launched the careers of everyone from Katherine Heigl to Mischa Barton, and they were admittedly terrible, but in the best way. Even if you haven't watched it in over a decade, there was at least one DCOM that you liked best; one that might have influenced who you are now. Here’s what your favorite DCOM said (and says) about you.
The Color of Friendship
Considering this was most likely your first introduction to apartheid, your younger self was incensed to learn about the injustice in South Africa and grateful to be an informed American. Fans of this movie grew into two types of people: those who remain convinced that racism doesn’t exist in the United States and those with some sort of guilt complex who are pursuing sociology and protested at Occupy Chicago. Either way, you’re highly self-righteous and you like to argue.
Zenon Kar is a figure that spoke to a lot of kids: rebellious, strong-willed, sharp-tongued, space station-saver, etc. You were an individual who never let societal norms (i.e. your parents) dictate what you wore or how you acted. Now you continue to dress ridiculously, but it’s finally appreciated as style rather than lunacy. You might sometimes be accused of being “aggressive” or “outspoken” or “rude,” but you know the truth: Those people are just of jealous of your confidence and the criminal record that has resulted from your lifelong disrespect for authority (unfortunately, it’s still 37 years until Zenon’s future world without consequences).
As a child, this film taught you that fame and success aren’t worth sacrificing your friends, and there’s nothing you can’t accomplish. However, you’ve since forsaken that lesson (much like every actress involved in this movie), having learned that the only supporters that count are your followers on Twitter. Chances are you’re taking IMC solely to gain the skills to market yourself, and you’re in the planning stages for your inevitable full-blown media takeover, including but not limited to: an album, a starring film role, a Bravo reality series, a fragrance and a clothing line at Kohl’s. You probably either resent this movie for introducing the singing teenagers that have controlled cable programming and the pop music industry ever since it premiered, or you still watch Disney Channel. No shame.
You most likely have a penchant for cheesy names and refer to your in-line skating team as the “Soul-Skaters,” but being the rebel you are, you also constantly feel the need to refute the assertion that you’re a “sellout” and that you’re in it for the money. And while at times you can be a bit of a show-off, deep down you have a good heart and all that other cliché, cheesy stuff. When you’re not skating for fun (because you’re Soul-Skaters, right?) though, you have a bit of a mean streak and like putting worms in people’s sandwiches, but hey, that’s half the fun of competition, right?
You’re probably an engineer, namely one who likes to build Minecraft replicas of campus. When you’re not rewiring hard drives and dancing in sync with your homeboys, you like to play with holograms thanks to your intense agoraphobic tendencies. Unfortunately, you’re also probably a bit vindictive and paranoid, but hey, at least you know how to throw a damn good house party!
You're probably one of those self-righteous people who say that you don't care about what's on the outside, even though, if you were in Marnie's position, you probably would've dumped Luke faster than you can nuke your instant witches brew if he had stayed in troll form. Always directionally challenged, you have a chronic habit of getting on the wrong bus and usually just have to rely on your bossy, know-it-all little siblings for help. In your spare time though, you also really like listening to witch house and enjoy hissing at little children, all while speaking in tongues when you don’t want to talk to anyone.
You most likely have a boys’ crew cut and at one point shaved your head à la Sinead O’Connor and Natalie Portman during her V for Vendetta days. Sassy, kickass and probably sporting a badass leather jacket while riding around on your souped-up Harley, you’re the kind of girl who is bursting with confidence and shouldn’t be messed with. In your spare time though, you can probably be found reading The Second Sex and defending Simone de Beauvoir as the only French person you’ll ever associate yourself with, thanks to an unfortunate incident involving a certain René Cartier and an excessive amount of hand-kissing.
Luck of the Irish
You’re most likely a sports fanatic and a little on the short side, but you don’t let that stop you from pursuing your dream of a basketball career and step dancing up a storm. When you’re not practicing your jump shot or shuffle, your hobbies include collecting gold coins, loving the color green and kicking Timothy Omundson’s ass at shinty (take that, Lassy!). You also probably have an unfortunate fear of Irish fairies and creepy carnies, but then again, who doesn’t?