Dear Governor Brewer

    Dear Governor Brewer,

    You’re such a winner! As if your immigration law wasn’t fantastic enough, you really delivered an encore presentation on Tuesday by signing into law an official ban on teaching ethnic studies in public schools. Apparently, learning about other cultures fosters the desire to overthrow the U.S. government. Whew! Glad you saved us from that one, Jan. And I was about to take an Asian American studies class in the fall! Hell, if I knew it would teach me about my heritage, I wouldn’t even have considered it.

    What I really appreciate about these two recent laws, Jan, is that they really work together to incubate hate for your state. With the L.A. and Boston city councils signing resolutions that calls for a withdrawal of business relations with your state, businesses canceling conferences in Phoenix, tourists skipping out on the Grand Canyon and even baseball players wanting to move the All-Star game somewhere cooler, now Arizonans can finally have the desert state for themselves.

    Did I mention that all those people of Latin American origin will soon be gone too? After all, these days no one wants to live in a state where they are racially profiled and prohibited from learning about ethnic studies. Crazy, huh? I mean, every day I get racially profiled and steadily more ignorant about other cultures is a great day for me!

    I have full confidence in your new laws. They often remind me of another one of my great idols and what he tried to do for his people. See his name was Adolf and his poor Germany was being overrun with people of Jewish origin. They’d jump out of nowhere and take all the matzah. So Adolf did two things: He made them all wear the Star of David on the clothing, kinda like big signs to warn innocent Germans that a harmless Jew was walking down the street (this reminds me of your immigration law that allows police officers to ask anyone who looks like an illegal immigrant to produce documentation proving otherwise) and he burned a shit-ton of books because if people learned, they’d figure out that what he was doing was wrong. Kinda like your ban on ethnic studies, because if people could take classes in African American studies or something, they might learn about how African Americans were institutionally oppressed for centuries!

    At this rate, though, I think you might one-up Adolf by the time you’re done cleaning up the southwest! You’re doing a great thing for Arizona and setting an example for rest of the country, showing them how to properly get rid of illegal immigrants: by pissing them off a lot! Keep up the darned good work, ma’am!

    Best regards,

    Anirudh Malkani


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