Doodle me: A Letter Home

    Doodle by the author.


    Dear Mr. and Mrs. Friedman,

    As Billy’s homeroom teacher for two years now at I.P. Freely Elementary School, I have bared witness to both his academic and social growth for a substantial amount of time. Though a brilliant student across the board (he just scored 104 on his last fractions quiz!), I am becoming increasingly worried about his psychological state. I have noticed an overall change in Billy’s demeanor over the past six months that has culminated with his spectacle at the science fair held yesterday in the school cafeteria.

    As you may know, Billy competed alongside 10 other 3rd-grade contestants for a nifty chemistry set. However, unlike the other students whose projects were comprised of a range of wonderful dioramas and experiments (we had three bubbling “volcanoes”!), Billy presented a rather inappropriate display. His scientific endeavor was labeled “Frankenstein’s Thanksgving Pet” and appeared to be a horrific mishmash of different parts of animals he claimed to have found during recess by the side of the road and in the small patch of trees by the jungle gym. He had tied the different arms, legs and heads of the creatures together with pipe-cleaners and ribbon, roughly in the shape of a turkey and poured a generous sprinkling of red glitter on top. To say the least, students and staff alike were appalled and disgusted at the sight of the monstrosity. It caused quite the commotion and unfortunately the 3rd-grade contestants on either side of Billy’s show table became sick all over our elderly librarian, Mr. Finkel, at the sight of it.

    To be frank, Mr. and Mrs. Friedman, what disturbs me most about the whole affair is the lack of remorse and consideration that Billy has displayed for his actions. In fact, in the midst of the ruckus, he climbed on top of his show table donning what appeared to be a cape comprised of a stained bed sheet and declared that was now “king of this school.” He then proclaimed that if we denied his orders, we would all be turned into pets for his “best friend Frankenstein,” and proceeded to lunge on top of poor Mr. Finkel, pulling at his suspenders and pretending to ride him like a pony.

    Needless to say, Billy’s grotesque stunt absolutely ruined the much-anticipated science fair, highly praised last year by our local paper as a “perfectly satisfactory event.” My students worked tirelessly perfecting their projects, and I spent nearly two weeks worth of lunch breaks putting together a banner and arranging for the local chemist at the McDonald’s flavor development processing plant to give the participants an inspirational speech. My final word on the subject is that Billy should receive psychological counseling and that you should both heavily consider a more personal, specialized form of education outside of the public school system. I recognize that Billy is a hard-working student and even appreciate many of his unique qualities; however, I feel that his attitude has become unmanageable and disturbing for myself and our class. As a further demonstration of my concerns, I have included his recent class assignment about the upcoming holiday that Billy drew before the fair for your review.


    Ms. Marlow


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