Even when I’m not drinking, Degrassi: The Next Generation has the potential to make me feel inebriated through the power of sheer teen drama. “100% intense” is not just a catchphrase: It’s a way of life. Thus, I hope you’ll enjoy the following original rules for Drunkgrassi. You may have to deviate slightly based on which season you’re watching, since we all know everyone gets crazier and crazier as the series continues.
Take a drink anytime the following occurs:
- Theme song. I suppose this happens on most shows, but I love how the folks over at CTV clearly do not want to pay for more than one song, so they just change the tempo, instrument, or key of the theme song in the background of any scene they possibly can.
- Adult drama. Unfortunately, the show sometimes focuses on characters who are far too old to be as attractive as Craig Manning. Take two drinks any time the adults are clearly getting more ass than their children are. Two drinks any time an obscure adult from the original Degrassi comes back (you’ll get wasted during Spike and Snake’s wedding, or that time that Emma finds her father).
- Character specific behavior. Let me break it down for you:
a. Paige – says the word “hun” or mentions how her brother is gay.
b. Craig – does something only a tortured artist would do, or he goes cray-cray and breaks shit.
c. Manny – make reference to her current or past sluttiness.
d. Emma – mentions the environment or gets gonorrhea.
e. Sean – wears a wifebeater or has noticeably waxed eyebrows.
f. Jimmy, pre-wheelchair: Wears Roca. Jimmy, post-wheelchair: Proves himself to be handi-capable (ie: going to a concert, shooting hoops, doing the deed).
g. Spinner – dates a girl who is clearly out of his league (ie: any girl).
h. Marco – frets about his sexuality or has a particularly dumb hair cut.
i. Toby – seems completely out of place.
j. JT – acts either much younger or much older than he is.
k. Liberty – references student council or the morning announcements.
- Recurring references. Any reference to Heather Sinclair or Kid Elrick in particular deserves a drink. Drink twice to any references to Manny’s abortion.
- Legitimate learning sequence. Sometimes, these kids actually go to class. Drink twice if the class happens to be taught by Ms. Kwan.
- Bodily fluid mishap. Emma’s period, any school-yard pummeling the spills blood, swapping spit, and of course the almighty semen.
- Abnormally long pause. Usually before commercial breaks, the camera team gets lazy and focuses on a character’s reaction for far too long. Drink twice for any freeze frame or slow motion.
- Canadian technological advances. Apparently, Degrassi Community School is a little further ahead than my stupid American public high school ever was. Drink for any online test, Media Immersion class, video morning announcement, or assorted technology used to advance the plot (like the dance where they matched people up through a computer!)
- Parents (finally) intervene. Any time a scheme is foiled by the usually absentee parents of Degrassi. Drink twice for Sean’s brother, Tracker. Drink twice if a teenage scheme is foiled by a usually absentee parent’s even more deplorable behavior (Ellie’s mom alcoholism, Jimmy’s dad being a total dick, etc.)
- Events in the show mirror your life. Drink if any of this stuff has actually happened to you. Drink twice if you bought a penis enlarger like JT or put sexy pictures of yourself on the internet so creepy old men would donate money to your cheerleading squad, like Darcy.