Five new features we want for the iPhone 5

    Rumor has it that Apple is launching a new and revamped iPhone 5 this summer. Besides larger screens and and sliding keyboard, here is what Apple might want to consider making basic apps and settings.

    1. A personalized touchpad that accommodates to your individual finger size
    This is for people who find themselves saying “damn you, autocorrect” every other text. Now you clumsy finger-ed iPhone users wouldn’t have to explain why you’re making “childbirth cutlets” instead of chicken cutlets for dinner anymore.

    2. The Flee-ter
    Trying to bail on an unfortunate date at Norris with someone from your orgo class without seeming like a jerk? Instead of having a friend call you “unexpectedly,” you could receive a “call” each time you activate the Flee-ter. Voila! You’d have the perfect excuse for the imperfect suitor.

    3. Defecation Distraction
    You had a burrito for lunch and it’s about time to go to the bathroom. You burst through the door and realize that… there’s someone else in the other stall. It’s far too urgent to hold. In Japan, bathroom stalls are equipped with sound systems that play soundtracks from the soothing sounds of rushing waters, to the gleeful chirps of little birds. Equip the new iPhone with the very same function, and you’re good to go.

    4. Wild…phone?
    If only our Wildcards could be incorporated into our iPhones. Credit card companies are already developing that functionality for smart phones. It’s that much easier to whip out your phone than rummage through a mess of notes and books in desperate search of your wallet.

    5. Colors!
    After continually delaying the launch of a white iPhone 4, why not diversify and come up with a rainbow assortment of colors available for the iPhone 5? iPhone cases are bulky, expensive, and unnecessary. And perhaps the Norris Bookstore would subsidize purchases of the purple version.


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