Contains explicit language.
Finding the right Valentine’s Day gifts for guys can be a total bitch. The requisite flowers and candy won’t fly, and while you could just hand him a box of condoms while wearing a t-shirt that says “Fuck Me” across your chest, you might want your statement of love and appreciation to be more subtle. Since you already know that this is a food column, you have probably already guessed that my gift suggestion is food-related. They do say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so maybe I’m not that far off after all.
Aphrodisiacs: Do they get you hot?
Do certain foods really increase sexual desire and lower inhibitions? The jury is still out, but it’d certainly be sexy to work these foods into a special V-Day dinner extravaganza for your boyfriend/partner/love/fuck buddy. You can decide whether they guarantee you two tickets to Pleasuretown.
- Alcohol. Well, duh. Actually, champagne is alleged to be the best aphrodisiac of the alcohol family, because it lowers inhibitions and makes you feel a warm glow throughout your body. Consider splurging for some pink Andre to make the date really festive!
- Bananas. The enzymes in bananas supposedly enhance male performance. And, I mean, how phallic can a fruit get?
- Asparagus. Several courses of this vegetable used to be served to bridegrooms in the nineteenth century because of its reputed aphrodisiac-like qualities. Maybe asparagus actually does more than make your pee smell nasty.
- Sweet potatoes. This vegetable is said to enhance the female sex drive. Enough said.
Now, those are the conventional aphrodisiacs, but college dating is hardly conventional. Thus, I introduce to you a modern-day love potion: Bacon. Yes. Just listen.
Bacon: The ultimate perfume
I once had a friend tell me that he got really turned on every time his girlfriend came home from her job at the deli. Why? Because she smelled like bacon.
Bacon isn’t technically listed as an aphrodisiac, but a lot of guys really enjoy the scent; plus, the thought of their girl cooking a whole slab just for them is enough to get their mojo flowing. Additionally, every time your guy gets close to you, he’ll smell the bacon on your skin and be even more turned on. So why not incorporate this delectable pork product into your Valentine’s Day meal? Make some bacon-wrapped dates, or just fry up a whole slab of bacon and serve it as is. Guys aren’t that picky.
If this idea is making you go, “Lumberjack what?” then there’s no safer route to your man’s stomach and affection than dessert.
Dessert: The perfect finish
Dessert is by far the star of the show; that means go big or go home. Here are a few options that are sure to make you a hit this holiday:
Nothing’s sexier that feeding your boy something dipped in chocolate (what that something is, is up to you). Chocolate is probably the most well-known aphrodisiac, and it tastes damn good. Fondue is so simple to make, and it’s a great way to spice up your V-Day meal without having to slave away in the kitchen. Just melt up some chocolate chips, then serve your fondue with bananas — two aphrodisiacs in one meal!
What you’ll need:
- 8 oz. chocolate chips (semi-sweet usually, but feel free to experiment!)
- 1 cup whipping cream
- 2 tsp Grand Marnier (optional)
- Set one of your oven burners to low heat. Over a low flame, heat the cream until it’s warm. Be careful not to boil it!
- Add the chocolate chips slowly, stirring as you do so. Otherwise they won’t melt properly.
- The mixture in the pot should become smooth. At this point, you can stir in the Grand Marnier for a sumptuous flavor.
Red Velvet cake is a really popular Southern dessert and is essentially your basic vanilla cake mixed with a bottle of red food coloring to give it a vibrant hue. You could bake a cake from scratch, but if you’re short on time, just pick up a box of your favorite white cake or vanilla-flavored cake mix, add a bottle of red food coloring and bake according to the package’s directions.
To make it extra special, bake the cake off in a heart-shaped pan and decorate with homemade icing (which tastes better than the canned version). Here’s a simple buttercream icing that will go perfectly with your cake:
What you’ll need:
- 1 (1 lb.) package confectioner’s sugar
- ½ cup softened butter
- 3-4 tbsps. milk
- 1 tsp. vanilla
- Combine all ingredients in a large bowl.
- Using either a hand mixer or a wooden spoon, mix until all of the ingredients are incorporated and the icing looks smooth and creamy.
- Wait until the cake has cooled to ice it. Decorate with conversation hearts to make it even more Valentines-appropriate.
Enjoy, and have a happy Valentine’s Day!