Have you ever wondered what kind of social media wizardry Hillary Clinton uses to connect with her HORDES of youthful fans? Are you in a permanent state of awe over her tweeters and Facebook wall scrawlings, and often murmur to yourself, “wow hillary wow pls b my abuela (nyan cat) (gif)?” Never fear. NBN Politics presents:
Being With Her Always: five ways to be a social media tour de force just like your average 68-year-old, subway riding millionaire:
1. Write a tone-deaf propaganda piece called “7 things Hillary Clinton has in common with your abuela.” It’ll show Spanish-speaking voters that you are JUST LIKE THEM – except for (a) your (lack of) ability to speak or comprehend Spanish, and (b) your hoard of money that, quite conveniently, was inaccessible to those affected by your legacy of supporting the prison-industrial complex. Nothing titillates millennials like fun, buzzy articles that appropriate culture for the advantage of the white woman! So many GIFS! Continue posting campaign articles in Spanish so the youth understand that, unlike their abuela, you have learned the delicate art of Google Translate. Pat yourself on the back.
2. Make it clear that you support LGBTQIA+ Americans by finding 12 transgender people who prefer you to notorious grandpa Bernie Sanders. This will show millennials that you care about the same issues and won’t hesitate to support the gays when it is politically expedient for you to do so. For bonus points, offer them merch and Hillary stickers in favor for talking about Clinton “understanding the need for equality” and her “proactive history” when it comes to LGBT rights. Cross your fingers and hope that they don’t bring up your questionable record when it comes to supporting gay marriage and equality.
3. Make a disjointed cameo on “Broad City” so you can absorb Abby and Ilana’s pop culture halo and become cool by transitive property. YAAAAS, KWEEN.
4. Google what the Buzz Feeds are. Appear on their podcast, because you hear that it’s reached juice cleanse/Soul Cycle/cultural cool girl status. Write articles about it on your website, heavily featuring gifs because you have it on good authority that millennials can’t read.
5. Say it with a LISTICLE. Your advisers assure you that there’s nothing millennials love more than information chopped up into Odyssey online-sized digestible tidbits. Again, keep the ratio of gifs to words above at least 5:1. Plus, you can hide the convoluted and shady delegate math by explaining it with quaint moving pictures (gifs again!). You still can’t pronounce gif.