How Does Blue Ivy Carter Stack Up?

    Great expectations. There probably isn’t a better two-word package in the English language to describe the projected life of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s child. Most Northwestern students are faced with great expectations from the outside world on a daily basis, whether they’re studying for an orgo exam, auditioning for a play, or (gulp) rushing. Babyoncé was facing high expectations from the outside world before she was even born.

    She is the daughter of the queen of 21st century R&B pop and the undisputed king of hip-hop. She will probably grow up as sort of a goddaughter to other culture kings, Kanye West foremost among them. She will face expectations and tests from the public for the rest of her life (Will she make music? Will she make movies? What does she mean to our culture? ). Her name is Blue Ivy Carter.

    Her first test, which she really had no control over but still faced high expectations for, was her name. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never met a ‘Blue Ivy’ before. It’s a pretty unique name. But the fact remains that when details of this name were released, my Twitter feed practically exploded with disappointment. This name, unique as it is, didn’t satisfy the millions who had been waiting with bated breath for this birth. It couldn’t.

    In my opinion, it’s still a pretty sweet, interesting, one-of-a-kind name (with a roots in Beyonce and Jay-Z’s collective history). But if you’re still not satisfied, here’s how it stacks up against some other unusual baby names, celebrity and otherwise:

    1.Bronx Mowgli Wentz: Ah, there’s the smile of recognition. You remember this guy, even if you don’t remember his parents. Both Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz found a little musical fame halfway through the last decade, but their stars have faded alongside their marriage. The only remaining relic of the 2004 ubiquity of “La La” is this child’s name, which, unlike Blue Ivy, really has no connection to Simpson or Wentz. Or anything. It is ridiculous for the sake of ridiculousness.
    Edge: Blue Ivy

    2.Facebook Jamal Ibrahim: An Egyptian baby named after the social network that fueled the Arab Spring. It’s definitely ridiculous, but also kind of cool, a very visceral reminder that social media’s impact on the world goes way beyond relationship statuses and how many ‘likes’ your profile picture can accumulate. Though, if we try to imagine Blue Ivy and Facebook as adolescents, it becomes clear that Blue Ivy at least has a cool, almost mysterious name, while Facebook is just confusing (since approximately 99% of teenage conversations already involve the word ‘Facebook’).
    Edge: Blue Ivy

    3.Apple Martin: No, this isn’t an alcoholic drink. It’s actually the name of Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay singer Chris Martin’s baby. This name has no reasoning (unlike Blue Ivy) and it’s not as incredible as Bronx Mowgli. It’s just stupid, especially since it’s one letter away from ‘apple martini.’ Just another reason to hate Gwyneth Paltrow.
    Edge: Blue Ivy

    4.Kal-El Cage: I’ll try to restrain my inner nerd while discussing the name of Nic Cage’s baby. Yes, it’s named after Superman. Yes, that’s really cool (especially if you’re a nerd like me), but also really one-dimensional. How will this child ever have a chance to forge an individual identity living in the constant shadow of the greatest hero mankind has ever dreamed up? I think I’ve covered the high expectations Blue Ivy will have to live through, but at least they aren’t summed up in her very name. The two (expectations and name) are separate. Not here.
    Edge: Blue Ivy

    5.Sage Moonblood Stalone: Blue Ivy has beaten out some of these other names because of how cool her name is. I mean, really. If she ever chooses to follow in her father’s footsteps, does she even need to come up with a rapper name? The answer, in case you were wondering, is no. Blue Ivy is already about 5200 times cooler than Young Jeezy’ or Lil (fill in the blank). But the son of Sylvester Stallone beats Blue Ivy at her own cool game. There is certainly nothing else to say about this name, except to marvel in its majesty.
    Edge: Sage Moonblood

    So there you go. You may have been disappointed with the final decision of Blue Ivy, but it’s a lot cooler and a lot less lame than some of the other goofy celebrity names out there. Except for you, Sage Moonblood. You’ll always be number one. But I don’t have any expectations of anyone surpassing you anytime soon.


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