Your position as the commissioner of the National Football League is a powerful one. You probably get to decide what goes on those rings. You can touch the Vince Lombardi trophy. You might even be able to touch Eli Manning. Hear me out. I think that your position might even be more powerful than you have ever dreamed. You could save the country by keeping the GOP out of office. Right, right, I understand: I’m just some college student. You probably get tons of these letters. But please, take a minute to listen to what I have to say.
A couple of days ago I wrote a piece about the Democrats being the big winners on Super Tuesday. They did win, I won’t back down from that, but I was maybe just a little over-excited. I was caught up in the moment; sue me. I wasn’t anticipating that Mitt Romney would drop out—excuse me, “suspend his campaign“—only two days after the biggest night in national politics, especially after dumping $35 million of his own personal fortune into the race.
With Romney gone, we’re already seeing a new enthusiasm from John McCain to capture the conservative vote he so desperately needs to even have a chance of winning the election come November. As Republican leaders attempt to unite their party, whispers are starting to spread of a new weapon that just might work. I am afraid that they could be right.
So you are our only hope. I beg you to hand your position over. It might just be the only way to stop the GOP.
You see, those whispers — that weapon — it’s all centered around who John McCain will pick as his running mate. All of the talk recently has been Mike Huckabee this, Mike Huckabee that. The former Arkansas governor shocked everyone when he took five states in the Super Tuesday primaries. He’s a genuine, charismatic guy.
It doesn’t seem to matter that he doesn’t believe in evolution or that he thinks humans walked the earth with the dinosaurs. With Huckabee at the forefront of media coverage, not many people are listening to the whispers yet, but I am sure they will grow loud in the coming days. They sound something like this: Condoleezza Rice.
This race doesn’t have anything to do with gender, they say. This race doesn’t have anything to with, well, race. But the exit polls are continuously fed to you on any network news channel: The blacks love Obama; the women, Hillary.
If you pair an old, white prisoner-of-war with a relatively young black woman, you’ve covered almost every base. How many young black women do you know that also happen to be conservative Republicans? That’s what I thought. The GOP needs to convince Rice to run alongside McCain; she might just be his only hope. If nothing else, she would certainly shut Rush Limbaugh up. They have a past, and he’s obsessed.
If we’re lucky, she might be tired of politics and the end of this term might be the end of a long run in offices under George Bush, but the only way to be sure is to offer her your job as NFL Commissioner. In 2004, let me remind you, we were in the middle of a war and Condoleezza was serving as the 20th United States National Security Advisor. You’d think she would be busy; you’d think she would be taking her job pretty seriously. Instead she made it quite clear that if offered the job of commissioner, she would snatch it up in a second. It’s the only thing she wants more than to eat the beating heart of Osama bin Laden.
If something doesn’t happen immediately to quell these rumors, I’m afraid we’re going to have Condi vs. Oprah in October. And, while Condi may not have a book club or her own magazine, she knows how to speak five languages and is well-versed in that little issue McCain somehow has convinced his supporters is the paramount issue of the entire 21st century: radical Islamic extremism.
While Oprah might be more terrifying than the prisoners Condi has had locked up in Guantanamo, she doesn’t look as good in heels. McCain isn’t getting the Southern votes right now, and you know as well as I do that the Republicans of Appalachia and the deep South will vote for anything if it knows how to fire a gun and wears a short enough skirt. Please, Roger Goodell, save us.