Morty to students: What are you doing in my swamp?

    Emerging from a wooden shack built beneath the stump of a giant oak tree, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro looked out upon 9,000 undergraduate students on the school’s Evanston campus and roared “What are you doing in my swamp?!”

    Schapiro, a noted economist who has written such articles as The Student Aid Game: Meeting Need and Rewarding Talent in American Higher Education, spoke with a Scottish accent and burped audibly as addressed the students.

    “I live in a swamp, I put up signs, I’m a terrifying ogre,” yelled Schapiro, who received a Ph.D. in economics from the University of Pennsylvania in 1979. “What do I have to do to get a little privacy?”

    Northwestern students in Deering Library dropped their textbooks and a basketball game at Welsh-Ryan Arena ground to a halt at the sound of Schapiro’s thunderous roar.

    “Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out,” Schapiro, a fixture at Northwestern sporting events, informed students. “I’m gonna see this guy at Stanford right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from.”

    Schapiro then departed for the gleaming city of Palo Alto with an excitable theatre major at his side.


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