Reminder: You have 193,752 events coming up this week.
Even glorious emojis sometimes fail to capture how exactly we feel during crucial moments. Cue bizarre Facebook events, the recent mini-trend that fascinated you, your mom and the Huffington Post. Didn’t see that coming, did you, Instagram/Snapchat/Twitter?
Despite its recent rise for Internet trolling and fake gatherings, Events is actually one of Facebook’s unique features across social media platforms. You can find out about a capella or comedy shows on campus, world-changing application deadlines and Carly Rae Jepsen’s concert you’d otherwise have no idea about. You can even see if your crush might show up to NU Winter Quarter Kickoff @ Bar63.* On that note, if he/she isn’t Facebook-savvy, he/she probably isn’t the one! Unless he’s Kevin Spacey! Then zero rules.
*disclaimer: writer has never been to Bar 63.
If you’re the type that wants to attend every event possible, multiple events at once, etc. or want to ACTUALLY go to the events you check off, I’ve gathered some saving graces from personal experience. ~You’re welcome~
1. Stop going on Facebook.
2. If you just can’t, two words: digital detox. Hard, I know, but just SelfControl facebook.com for 24 hours and delete the app from your phone. I owe this app for forcing me to finish many a final paper, and going cold turkey is a painful-yet-almost-always-effective way to cut a lingering addiction. Just try it.
3. Think before you press. The moment you hit the going or interested buttons, Facebook takes liberties with sending you notifications at unexpected – though probably algorithmed – times to respark your interest.
4. Take yourself back to pre-2004, Events’ birthyear. When you wanted to invite people to your ubercool TMNT-themed birthday party, did you make a Facebook event? NO. You wrote cards with your gross not-quite cursive. And you gave those out BY HAND. Real invites are still cool.
Bonus: If a close friend invited you, and you don’t know how to say no:
5. Press going, just for show. A lot of the time, whoever invited you was probably aiming mostly to utilize your status as an Internet celebrity to get other friends to see the event!
6. If you’re actually close friends, and this event means a lot to the person, tell him or her in person, via text or Facebook Messenger. ex: “I’m sO sorry I can’t make it on Thursday! 😭”
Perhaps the most difficult choice of all, but you’ll get optimal results.
7. Weaklings who cannot fulfill #6, simply unfollow those friends who constantly show up as “Julia Song is interested in/is going to/invited you to CHIC-A-GO-GO BOWIE TRIBUTE DANCE PARTY!”* Rough, you say? Drastic times call for drastic measures, and besides, Facebook doesn’t notify the person of your sneaky ultimatum.
8. Last Resort: Let go of worldly desires and become wind.