It’s the age-old Northwestern battle of the creative minds versus the jocks, Lisa’s versus Fran’s, engineers versus actors, North Campus versus South Campus. Here’s a hypothetical situation: let’s say a Northwestern student apocalypse were to take place, and each half of campus were to defend themselves. Imagine a battleground in the middle of Deering Meadow. Clouds hang low overhead; nothing is in bloom. Tired college students move sluggishly, using their heavy backpacks, grumpy attitudes and laptop stickers to battle it out for campus dominance. Let’s see how this pans out by assessing each side's best strengths:
Known for its comfort food, Fran’s serves up greasy deliciousness until late in the night. Their milkshakes are second to none and their chicken nuggets can easily put anyone into a food coma. Could be used as ammunition. The tangy spice of the chipotle turkey panini could send any hungry student astray. Fran’s also serves as a nice cozy place to refuel after a long day at the battlefield. However, their C-Store could be better. It seems as though it is stocked with everything that nobody needs.
What Frans lacks in C-Store, Lisa’s makes up for times one million. They have non-perishable items galore, perfect for stocking up during a war. Their menu, although just as tasty as Fran’s, lacks Fran’s comfort and love. However, this is war. War doesn’t need comfort and love – war needs sustenance, and Lisa’s has PLENTY of that.
South Campus has creative minds galore, ready to act on stage, paint a picture, write a novel and perform a concerto at the snap of their fingers. All of these minds together could create some magical thinking that could win them this war through sheer cunning. Or this could turn into a shitshow, with journalists running around scrambling to report, actors performing Hamilton trying to create a distraction and musicians running to the S.S. Bienen and sailing away. There’s really no guessing what could happen.
Jocks and engineers. What could go wrong? While the jocks use their muscle power to fight off any enemies, the engineers can devise a masterfully crafted plan to take out South Campus forever. This could be all fine and dandy, but there could also be an internal battle of the brains of the engineers versus the brawn of the jocks, with nothing getting resolved.
Buildings on South Campus are very spread out, and there’s no way to travel between buildings without going outside, save the passage between Locy and Fisk. However, south campus has the Rock. This solid structure is covered in layers of paint. Not even the strongest jock could penetrate it. The only issue is that it’s not quite big enough for everyone to duck behind.
Engineers need not go outside all day. All of their buildings are interconnected. This could make for an excellent escape route and tunnel system. North Campus has way more buildings than South Campus, perfect for shielding and hiding. Plus, Tech. It's not like any Medill kid would be able to find their way around the place, much less track down a wily engineer crafting a perfect counterattack in some hidden basement chemistry lab.
Willard is just a three minute walk from Forever Yogurt (#truefact, my roommate and I looked it up the first day). South campus is just a hop, skip and a jump away from everything downtown Evanston has to offer. This means that they have the shelves of CVS to raid, the custard machines of Andy’s for a quick burst of sugary energy and the shelves of the Evanston Public Library to hide behind. South Campus location is prime. Not to mention, it is conveniently located to a large bus terminal, a Purple Line station and a Metra station. Perfect for a quick escape.
If you live North, you might as well live in the boondocks. The closest semblance you have to a grocery store is D&D Finer Foods, and half their store is alcohol. Once Lisa’s runs out of food, good luck finding more. Noyes Street just ain’t gonna cut it this time.
According to my precise calculations, North Campus takes the cake here. That is not to say that South Campus would get absolutely pummelled. Each side has something great to offer, and this hypothetical war would be a long, hard battle with both camps using their very best assets to achieve campus domination. While we're lucky battle hasn't broken out (at least not yet, anyways), it's probably the groundskeepers for Deering Meadow that are most thankful we're not busy destroying it for good.