Next time you are planning a house party, the first thing you ask should be, “what are my party favors?” When I was a wee lad, the best part of someone’s birthday party was the goodie bag that I received when I left. Often, it was full of fun “get-the-ball-through-the-maze” games and Safe-T-Pops. I know, I know — you’re thinking, “Me and my prestigious Northwestern education are both way too mature for such foolish toys.” I understand, but it’s time to stop letting 5-year-olds beat us at stuff. So I’m proposing a new, age-appropriate party favor perfect for college students: freshman.
In fact, freshmen as party favors have an interesting history in this country. The year was 1787. After a long, brutal day, the delegates of the Constitutional Convention finally signed the Constitution and were ready to relax. Ben Franklin happily invited them over to his house for little shebang. But later after that night, Ben Franklin realized his “Constitutional Pros and Congressional Hoes” party was slowly winding to a close. Not wanting the delegates to forget the day they established the rules for an entire fucking country, Ben thought he should let the them take home something to remember the occasion. Luckily, his house was right next to Hundo’s original Pennsylvania location and plenty of boys and girls were just beginning to pour out of the bar.
Ben proclaimed to the freshman (the act of proclaiming was big back then) to come and join the festivities at his house. And after luring the freshman to his house with Sour Patch Kids, a treat which no freshman can resist, he paired the freshman off with delegates leaving the party.
Now, you might be thinking that freshman are only be good for one thing: being annoying. You’re wrong. With freshman by their side, the delegates enjoyed long walks on the beach, flower picking, kite flying, napping, tree climbing, tree hugging, anal sex, finger painting and playing Nintendo Wii. In the end, the delegates enriched their lives in more ways than one while the impressionable and quick-to-please freshman became more or less slaves.
Now you might be thinking, “Hey, we live in the 21st century. Isn’t human trafficking illegal?” Well, yes and no. While it is illegal to traffic sophomores, juniors and seniors, there is loophole in the law that allows the trafficking of freshman. As long as you don’t mercilessly beat them, there shouldn’t be any problems.
So next time you have a party and think you’re too good to invite freshman to your “seniors only” celebration, think again. Freshman have a lot to offer. Your guests will go home with a constant reminder of not only your amazing party, but their own toddlerhood as well. You can thank Ben Franklin for that.