Pike drops bid for worst rap song ever

    Northwestern has produced a lot of talented musical artists. Andrew Bird, Rachael Yamagata, Steve Albini, the list goes on. Dem Pike Boyz, presumably from the NU chapter of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity, offer up a musical work of their own for NU musical glory (or someone’s playing a cruel joke on them). But “FRATSTAR (F-R-A-T-S-T-A-R)” falls mighty short of being a classic, or anything musically (or socially) redeeming. Take a listen to Pike’s highly misogynistic and brain-cell-killing single below.

    [Update: "Fratstar" is back on YouTube, as user nupike2009 uploaded it earlier today. Enjoy the stupidity all over again, or for the first time ever, below.]

    As the final frame reveals, this is apparently Pike’s way to convince people to rush the frat this year. Now, I’m sure the chance to “sip on the Goose” and “grab some caboose” would do a great job attracting potential pledges, but how could anyone wanting to join a fraternity hear this and not say “Why aren’t you people being pelted with rotten eggs right now?” There is nothing cool about a song that, as a friend said to me, “sounds like music from Civilization.” Listen, I remember the first time I opened up GarageBand and fiddled around, but I didn’t record a song where I pretended to be Young Jeezy for four minutes. I realize, also, we probably aren’t dealing with voice majors here, but I think all of these fellows should be self-aware enough to know they should never sing outside of an ironic rendition of “I Want It That Way” at a Greek Week talent show. Especially the guy near the end who sounds like a young “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

    If the music itself didn’t make you cut your own ears off with a ballpoint pen, then the lyrics will have you opening up that Bic package in no time! Maybe this song was designed as a clever way to give Mary Desler a mental breakdown, what with all the fun references to hazing pledges and degrading women on caveman-like levels. Actually, I take that back, that’s an insult to caveman, who would at least have the courtesy to club the girl in the head, rendering her unable to hear this song. Maybe it’s all an elaborate way to diss other frats, as evidenced by the line “Sig Ep popping collars/Lodge is stacking dimes/but Pike will kick your ass when it’s gametime” (complete with effeminite lisp! Because the song needed to insult gay people to go that extra special mile). Maybe it’s a biting commentary on Northwestern’s English classes as, even though the made-up word “Fratstar” appears twice in the title (and literally spelled out once), they forget the second “a” in the actual song.

    Dem Pike Boyz have given us so many lyrical nuggets to sift through that simply describing them don’t do them justice. So here are a few more highlights from the rap. Next time a Pike guy tells you about all the great community service the frat does, recite one of these lines!

    - “Sorostitutes trying to come back to the house/take them back to 305 and rip off their blouse.” (People actually say “sorostitutes”? Does a wave of vomit flow out alongside that word, or does that come from anyone who happens to overhear said word?)

    - “Drinking all night, sleeping in all day/If frat life were a class, theres no doubt I’d get an A.” (Frat life would probably be a tougher class than Swahili, so I give them that.)

    - “Looks like it’s time to open a tab/Shots for everyone at the bar THANKS DAD.” (Somewhere, a father is sobbing quietly as he watches years of college savings vanish in a sea of Jager bombs and Grey Goose.)

    - “Wolf that beer, pledge/Take your cane with a smack.” (“Guys, I have a great idea! Lets make a song…wait, no, a rap, that’s funny haha…and include a part about how we haze pledges. Then, we can post it on YouTube, where everyone, including important university officials who could investigate us, could hear it. Think of all the sorostitutes we’ll pull in!”)

    I’m going to give Pike the benefit of the doubt here…this has to be a prank played on them by another frat, probably those dime-stackers in Lodge. Or, maybe it’s a really bad attempt at parody done by some 2008 pledges…they might not understand the concepts of “shame” and “basic logic” yet. Regardless of the motives, we should get excited, because the description promises a music video soon. And, if the guy who posted “Fratstar” directs, he’s sure to make Pike an even hotter rush destination in 2010. Because nothing says “cool guy” like “I made a rap about physics once that blacks out in the middle.”


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