Nothing says America quite like the Super Bowl. With action-packed football, glorified commercialism, scantily-clad women, puppies and gluttony of the highest order all coming together on one Sunday evening, the Big Game celebrates everything that makes these United States so damn great. But what would happen if we took the patriotism to a whole new level by playing the game between Democrats and Republicans instead?
Pre-game and kickoff By Brett Owens
The big game is broadcast on C-SPAN 3, with a team of three announcers to bring you play-by-play and in-game analysis: Anderson Cooper, James Carville and Glenn Beck. However, Beck calls the Democrats “Nazis” because their defense uses a lot of “blitzes,” and is promptly fired. Ever resilient, Beck broadcasts the game himself on his new network, GBTV. Captains and party chairmen Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Reince Priebus meet in the middle of the field for the coin toss. Head referee and Chief Justice John Roberts makes use of Paul Krugman’s “trillion dollar coin” for the coin toss. Republicans win the coin toss, but since they don’t want to receive anything from the government, they punt to the Democrats.
First quarter By Sylvan Lane
Both the Democrats and the Republicans have success moving the ball down the field, but lose possession of the ball before they can actually score a touchdown. Each team fumbles three times before the quarter runs down, but not before Howard Dean gets flagged for an excessive celebration penalty after recovering a loose ball dropped by Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky), who was running the wrong way.
Second quarter By Brett Owens
After a long campaign, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nevada) finally sets up for a field goal attempt. However, because the ball is loaded with kickbacks, the ball flies behind him and the Republicans recover. Even with the excellent field position, the Republicans go three and out and punt to the Democrats. However, John Boehner, Eric Cantor and Mitch McConnell lead the stout defense that blocks anything the Democrats throw at them.
Halftime By Sylvan Lane
Because Congress's approval rating has been so low, the House Committee on Halftime Shows decided to book Nickelback in the hopes of drawing a larger TV audience and improving the Nielsen ratings for the Super Bowl. For obvious reasons, it doesn't work and the FCC fines Congress because it's Nickelback. While the score remains tied at zero, the Republicans go into the second half excited, because just like after the 2010 midterm elections, the GOP squad gets bigger for the final two quarters.
Third quarter By Ryan Milowicki
Just as the Democrats are about to hike the ball for their first play of the 3rd quarter, the Superdome is plunged into darkness as the power goes out. Play is halted for a few minutes while the debt ceiling is raised just enough to obtain the funds to pay the overdue power bill.The Republicans face a key third-and-long situation and line up in the shotgun formation. However, before they can get the snap off, they are penalized five yards for illegal procedure. At the request of Vice President and Director of Player Personnel Joe Biden, Commissioner Barack Obama banned all uses of this formation at the beginning of the season.
Fourth quarter By Ryan Milowicki
With seconds to go in the game and the score still tied at zero, the Republicans try to score on a last-ditch Hail Mary pass. It miraculously goes for a touchdown, but head referee John Roberts rules the play unconstitutional, citing Engel v. Vitale. After the referees nullify the Republicans’ great play, the game ends in a scoreless tie. Biden and McConnell meet in the press box to discuss how the deadlock should be resolved. After hours of deliberation and name-calling, the two men agree and announce their decision to Obama. The game will be replayed in three months, where they hope that a different outcome will ensue.
Post-game By Sylvan Lane
Obama issues an executive order banning any player from receiving the MVP since the game was so poorly played, but gives 2012 Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney the Arlen Spector-John Kerry Trophy for most inconsistent performance. It takes Romney almost an hour to get to the podium and make and acceptance speech, but he accepted the award graciously. FactCheck.org later rated his remarks "mostly true." Later on that night, Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal delivered an irrelevant response to the events of the evening, seemed awkward in front of the camera and made the Republicans question why he was even chosen before CSPAN-3 cut the speech short in order to air a book discussion about "The Essential Biography of Millard Fillmore" on time.