With the imminent approach of both Halloween and midterms, it seemed appropriate this week to write a scary column — just in case you need anything besides your bio class to give you nightmares.
So without further ado, Carnal Knowledge presents you with enough ways to hurt yourself during sex that you might just be too scared to ever have sex again. (Not really, I hope. Please? I would feel so responsible. And so, so guilty.)
- Maybe you shouldn’t spend so much time on your knees. Rug burns: one of the most common, and probably the most annoying, sex-inflicted injury, because really, you should know better. At the time it seems like your knees will be fine — that is, until you look at them the next day and they look like raw meat. The best way to avoid this is just to watch where you’re kneeling, but there aren’t always a plethora of options. Luckily for the tender-skinned folks out there, there are ways to protect yourself without recycling those giant plastic kneepads from the days when rollerblading was cool. You can buy sexy cushioned knee pads to protect your joints from those awful dorm carpets. They even have adjustable straps! Who knows, maybe you could figure out a way to work them into your Halloween costume, just in case.
- Your back won’t bend that way. Don’t try. A friend (who will remain unnamed in order to avoid public embarrassment) was complaining a few days about how much her hamstrings hurt. Apparently she’d had them in a bit of a compromising position for a little too long the previous night, and she was feeling the aftereffects. While Position of the Day Calendars always sound like a good idea, just because the person in the picture can balance on one elbow on a moving pogo stick doesn’t mean you can, too. And instituting a mandatory five-minute yoga-and-stretching break sometime during foreplay would be great, but it kind of breaks the mood a little. It’s not worth trying to force yourself to attempt things beyond your physical limits, unless you really want to end up with a broken rib. We’re not all Nastia Liukin. If you want to be daring and adventurous, go for it; just be prepared to explain exactly how the Pair of Tongs works when someone asks you what happened to your ankle the next day.
- Even worse than losing your NU lanyard. Okay, we get it, you think you’re super-adventurous letting your partner handcuff you to the bed. Congratulations, you’ve now joined the 22 percent of sexually active people who use blindfolds or handcuffs in bed. Good for you. There’s nothing wrong with a little old-fashioned, horizon-expanding fun — until you forget the keys. Please, please do not forget where you put the keys. Look, it’s easy to lose things during sex: your bra, your balance, your virginity. Abandoning an old tank top on your partner’s floor is one thing — devices that free you from becoming a permanent bedpost decoration are a whole different story. Don’t be like this unfortunate couple and let yourself get trapped in your cuffs — as much as the EPD might like telling the story back at the station, it’ll take both your wrists and dignity a long time to recover.
- Poison! It seems like every week, China tries to kill us in an increasingly creative, sinister way. The latest one is hitting us where it really hurts: in the bedroom. This week, British sex-accessories store Ann Summersissued a recall of several edible sex products manufactured in China, including chocolate and strawberry body pens and erotic chocolate lotion. According to Britain’s food regulation organization, the Food Standards Agency, the products were contaminated with small amounts of melamine, an industrial chemical that has already been found in many milk products from China. Sure, that Jessica Simpson Dessert Treats whipped cream sounds good now, but your sex appeal will probably be ruined when you sprout gills.
- Don’t Do It and Drive. You know those warning labels on beer bottles telling you not to operate heavy machinery while under the influence? Looks like we should probably start printing those on condoms, too — or maybe just tattooing it above everyone’s naughty bits. You’d think adults would have figured this out by now, but sex leads to all kinds of accidents every year, especially car accidents. Whether it’s your drunk girlfriend giving you road-head and making you crash or your friends treating you like a taxi driver and getting it on in the back of your Chevy so enthusiastically that the “tippy” Blazer tips right into a telephone pole, there are more than enough reasons (and potential injuries) to persuade you to keep your pants on until you get home. Actually, you should probably make sure you get out of the garage, too. And cars aren’t the only danger zones. God forbid the mood strikes you when you’re steering a boat — unless you’ve got the urge to destroy some property and human lives, you’re better off waiting until your shift is over. Then you’re welcome to sneak up to the crow’s nest and do the no-pants dance to your heart’s (or any other organ’s) content.
- Also, death. Maybe you’ve seen Like Water for Chocolate a few too many times and have started thinking, hey, the sack wouldn’t be such a bad place to go. But think of the humanity! Think of the children! No, really, think of the children. You probably don’t have any right now, but by the time you’re old enough to have heart problems, you might have one or two rapscallions running around. And as nice as it might be for you to have your last moments on earth be in bed, there’s no way it’s going to be pleasant for the people left behind. Your partner will most likely never feel confident about their abilities again, and your kids are going to have a hell of a time explaining it on the playground for the next couple of weeks. Plus, without you around, they’ll probably turn into mush-mouthed, naked-bongo-playing, stoner jogging buffs. And that’s not the legacy you want to leave, is it?
- The Scariest Sex Injury Ever. Don’t forget, sex injuries don’t just have to affect your body! Take it from Christopher Plummer: They can knock your pride down a couple notches and, in the process, create something terrifying. In 1956, Plummer was set to star in the lead role of Shakespeare’s Henry V. But the morning after a one-night-stand, he woke up wracked by abdominal pain. Turned out his frolicking the night before had dislodged a kidney stone, and he had to undergo surgery to fix it. And the worst part? Obviously, the surgery meant Plummer couldn’t perform in the play, and the role was instead given to his understudy: the one and only William Shatner. According to Plummer’s autobiography, “I knew then the SOB was going to be a star.” You’ve got to wonder how Plummer’s hook-up must feel, knowing that they’re responsible for this. If there ever was a good reason to avoid one-night-stands, this is it. Seriously, guys, don’t have sex outside of a relationship. Your mistakes just might pave the way for the next William Shatner. And that’s scarier than anything you might run into in a dark alley on Halloween.