Who's hot under their winter coat? How to tell

    Being attractive is the most important thing there is (possible competition: watching Newport Harbor). But with the weather fluctuating between a mood-threatening drizzle and life-threatening snowstorm, people are buried under too many layers of down, Thinsulate and hot coals to tell who’s hot and who’s not. Obviously, this is a trag.

    Those eyebrows say, “Come hither.”

    But never fear, snow bunnies! Use seemingly (and actually) irrelevant details to find out which hidden hotties you should be having eye-sex with on your way to class. Just pay attention to these giveaways:


    A constant cough is a sure sign that this piece of meat has been around the block a couple (or a hundred) times. Proceed with caution, as you might catch something (sexy sexy pnuemonia). If the object of desire has a unique cough (sexy sexy syphillis), that could mean they are adventurous and willing to try new things. And you know what that means? Furry handcuffs.


    The weather demands gloves, scarves and a hat. That means when properly dressed, the only facial features exposed are the nose, eyes and eyebrows. Many gravitate toward the eyes, but remember that those lashes can be deceivingly lush due to pounds of perfectly applied mascara. Buyer beware. So what shall you inspect? Eyebrows.

    Are they well-groomed? This is the sort of woman or man that takes care of their appearance to the point where waxing is no barrier. A man that can take that sort of pain will stand beside you during plastic surgery, because he understands.

    Are they caterpillars? Caveman features are usually accompanied by a face to match. Steer away unless you’re into the Geico Caveman thing.

    Do they not exist? The ever-popular scared rabbit look is a sign of a girl who’s willing to pick up the six-pack while you rotate the wheels on the house.


    Does your lust subject have the Uggs with buckles or no? Buckles imply confidence. A strong woman who isn’t afraid of taking charge. But willing to conform enough to, you know, wear Uggs.

    How about skin-tight leather boots? She cares about the environment, a lot. That’s why she puts in the time every morning, suffering as she struggles to get those over her shins. Heart of gold.

    Hiking boots? There’s probably flannel under that down jacket. Only lumberjacks need apply.


    Do drab colors like gray and brown get you down? Well there’s a reason for that! Color psychology has long been used in interior design to help create the perfect atmosphere to soothe or awaken. Take that knowledge and apply it to your search for a perfect mate. Does that girl glow in a yellow coat? More likely than not she’s social and talkative. Looking for a Zen sort of guy? Green and blue won’t steer you astray.

    Hats, boots, mittens, scarves, oh my!

    Thank goodness there are so many requisite winter accessories: the more things there are to fidget with, the more chances for signals that she or he really digs you. One key body sign of attraction is preening. Is that guy constantly (and awkwardly) fussing with his gloves? Is that girl readjusting her scarf and her hat? Yeah, they both totally want it.

    Ski Mask?

    Either a rapist or a bank robber. Run.

    Winter accessories say everything you need to know about a person. You just have to look for the subtleties. Oh, and you know, stop caring.


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