Songs not to own if you wanna bone

    You did it. You convinced your roommate to let you have the dorm room. You caught the attention of the cutie from your econ lecture at a party, and the two of you are in your room, about to get busy. You press play on your iPod, put on some Barry White, and forget to take your songs off shuffle. The next song is by Justin Bieber. This is an issue. Funny looks are shot your way, or a sing-a-long session replaces your previous plans. Your sex-filled night is officially cut short.

    Although the situation is difficult to remedy, it’s fairly easy to avoid it in the first place. Keep the following songs off your playlist and you might not kill the mood.

    The Climb – Miley Cyrus

    Not only can most of this song be taken as a really awkward metaphor for sex, but most music that can be found on any radio station your mom might listen to probably doesn’t need to be on your sexy-time playlist. If that doesn’t convince you, do you really want your partner to say, “I love this song! Do you have ‘Party In The U.S.A?’”

    The Sound Of Settling – Death Cab For Cutie

    As fantastic as Death Cab is, their music can be borderline creepy. Also, “this is the sound of settling” isn’t necessarily a line you want that special person to hear when you finally get to be alone with them.

    Photograph – Nickelback

    Nickelback is rarely, if ever, appropriate. Generic, cheesy lyrics about regret, especially when sung by Chad Kroeger, need to stay out of your intimate moments with your partner (and preferably out of your everyday life).

    Enter Sandman – Metallica

    Let’s face it; it’s an intimidating song. No one will perform at his or her best if this is the background music of choice.

    Bitches Ain’t Shit – Dr. Dre

    This song is great in many situations (like driving around the streets of Compton) but should probably stay out of the bedroom. Even Ben Folds’ softer version does not lend itself well to good makeout music.

    My Humps – Black Eyed Peas

    Although Fergie singing about her humps is fine for the dance floor, this might draw unflattering comparisons between the singer and the person currently in your bed. At the very least, it just sounds awkward, and the beat isn’t the best for what you’re trying to do.

    I’ll Make a Man Out Of You – Captain Li Shang

    Drunk college students love a good Disney song, but choose the timing carefully. Hanging out with friends is a better time to break out the Disney than when planning for a “special” night. Also, everyone knows what it means to “make a man” out of someone.

    I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman – Britney Spears

    First of all, if you think Britney Spears is great background music for dirty deeds, you might require more help than North By Northwestern can provide. Secondly, this song is way too slow and has uncomfortably ambiguous lyrics. Avoiding Spears altogether is probably the safest route.

    Sandstorm – Darude

    Perfect for the club, not so great for the bedroom. Imagine trying to keep up with that tempo.

    Eenie Meenie – Justin Bieber

    Sure, Bieber sings about love, but your partner probably won’t appreciate a little kid singing, “shorty is an eenie meenie miney mo lova.” This is college, not kindergarten. Keep this prepubescent pop star off your iPod, and you’ll have a much more successful night.


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