Stefon's guide to the summer's hottest city clubs
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    After a Dillo Day that almost didn't happen, it's finally Reading Week. That means that it's almost summer! Sure, it's about a month and a half later than most people started summer, but still.

    Of course, this is Northwestern, where "summer" refers to jobs, internships and research more than it does cool days on the beach. But even a full-time unpaid internship will still allow free time. Here's how to spend it if you end up in one of the country's three primary cities.

    New York's hottest clubs By Inhye Lee

    New York’s hottest club is Suelo. Located in an abandoned meatpacking factory at the end of an old dirt road, Suelo is the place to be when you want to get down and dirty (literally). Legendary club owner Tom Cruising is rumored to hand out sausages to especially loyal patrons. This dance club has everything: meatballs, gyrating crowds of sweaty gen y-ers and enough EDM to warrant beaded bra attire. It’s a bit of struggle to get past the trio of Targaryen dragons at the door, so be prepared to make a sacrifice (usually one consisting of fire and blood). Once inside, get ready to bump and grind with an overpriced sex on the beach, that DJ you pretend to know and human boom boxes. You know, that thing when a midget insists you lift him up above your head while he drunkenly belts out “In Your Eyes?”

    New York’s second hottest club is Cherry. Located a hop and a skip from Lucifer’s Kitchen, Cherry has the added glamour of being part of an international chain (not unlike Mickey’s D). Club owner Meth MacFarlane is said to have his face projected on an entire wall during the entire night, as he Skypes in from another Cherry somewhere around the globe. This club has everything: booze-soaked VIP bathrooms, conch horns and a giant blanket woven together with the undergarments of patrons past. The bouncer is none other than the Big Apple’s very own superhero: Spider-Man – although he prefers to go by his alter ego, Peener Parker. Once inside, expect to be bombarded with cherries jubilee, respectable-looking businessmen smelling like teen spirit and human kites. You know, that thing when a midget ties a piece of string around himself and inhales so much helium he begins floating to the ceiling?

    Chicago's hottest clubs By Denise Lu

    Chicago's hottest club is Dusseldorf. Located at the intersection of a shantytown main street next to an abandoned grocery store, Dusseldorf is the place to be any night of the week. Club owner Chris Brown Bag Lunch started the club at the ripe age of 19. This club has everything: fierce queens, Tropical Sex, deformed potatoes that look like Steve Buscemi. Don't be surprised if you're greeted at the door by a washed-up Clay Aiken wearing size 14 stilettos and lip-syncing to U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." Go inside for more shenanigans, like make-out sessions, fried sauerkraut and human nightstands. You know, that thing when a midget hunches next to you while you're sleeping, holding a copy of 50 Shades of Grey under his armpit?

    Chicago's other hottest club is Evil Pimento. Located in a strip-mall masquerading as a pre-school, Evil Pimento houses a wide range of DJs and themed dance parties. Club owner Jabba the Hudson River hits up the club weekly with his own posse of dumpster babies and male nurses. This club has everything: deranged techno, sleazy mailmen, rocking chairs decoupaged with images of Twinkies. The bouncer is a llama dressed like Donald Duck, chewing on Slim Jims and sipping coconut water. Evil Pimento is the place to be if you're into fried chicken, rainbow mom jeans and human headphones. You know, that thing when a midget cups his hands over your ears and loudly performs a cappella versions of Fleetwood Mac's greatest hits?

    LA's hottest clubs By Gabe Bergado

    Los Angeles's hottest club is Panther Chill, located inside a fortress built out of 7000 dead feline bodies frozen together at the corner of Vine and Hollywood. Club owner J. Hoe knows all about pussy popping through her brief stint in the Egyptian Peace Corps. from 2001 to 2002. Greeted at the door by Dumbledore, this club has everything: blow job shots, pole dancers, mozzarella sticks, virgin poppers. You know, that thing when you need to make a sacrificial dowry to the drag queen gods so you feed a virgin Pop Rocks, Coke and crystal meth?

    Los Angeles's other hottest club is *WAHOOOOOOO GRAHHH kekeke.* Located in the basement of Ozzy Osbourne's cookie factory, you're greeted at the door by Samantha Applegate's 17 clones created by Tom Cruise. Bar and club owner Twerk Master Nachos Supreme (sponsored by Taco Bell) knows all about gyrating your cakes while applying hot sauce to a chalupa. This club has everything: screaming adolescents, an underwater dance floor, Tic Tacs and fruit snacks. Yes, fruit snacks. That thing where gays get so hungry they start eating one another in order to get rid of their competition.


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