Horoscopes for Summer 2007

    Aries (March 21 – April 19)

    School is over, and that means one thing: Time to work on your career. Because everyone knows that if you want to be successful you can never stop. You have to work. You have to get that great internship – who cares if you’re getting paid for it? It’s about the experience and that little new line you can put on your resume about how you interned with so-and-so and worked 60-hour weeks and how you are positively the best damned person for the job and you’re light years ahead of all those losers who decided to “relax” this summer. Rest is for the weak. This summer, you’re like obnoxious over-achievers: killing yourself. For nothing. Just think about that a moment.

    Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

    Then there are those of you that decided to take the opposite route. You’ve been working for nine months, dammit, and this is your well-earned break. Sit back, relax, watch Charm School with the Flavor of Love girls, get a tan, and hang out with your friends … who all have jobs. This summer, you’re like all the slackers out there: tan, but lonely with only the likes of Mo’Nique to comfort you.

    Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

    After spending the last nine months wasting money like it grows on trees (since $45,000 for an education is practically peanuts), it’s time to get a little something back. Yes, you will foray into the wilds of the service industry, selling your soul making no-whip-non-fat-mocha-frappicinos for $6.00 an hour. This is what your time in higher education has got you: minimum wage and debt. This summer, you’re like the desperate baristas at Starbucks: poor, overworked and constantly reminding yourself that this is the exact reason you’re getting a college education – so you’ll never have to hear “I said skim!” ever again.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    The agony is about to end. Instead of fielding drunk dials from your friends from home on booze-day Tuesdays, you’ll finally get to join in! No more papers, no more books, and plenty of money from selling them back to buy a case of PBR and join in the fun. Except if you don’t get a phone call. And why would they all call you? They’ve been partying for a month and a half just fine without you thank you very much and they don’t need your raucous ass cramping their style. This summer, you’re like all victims of the quarter system: forgotten.

    Leo (July 23- August 22)

    Remember all those things you loved so much about high school? Curfews. Phoning home to let your parents know that you left dinner and are now going to a movie. Sneaking in and out at 4 a.m. through the guest room window that doesn’t lock. Voraciously sucking on lifesavers and hoping that your parents can’t smell the cigarette smoke in your clothes? Yeah. It’s all coming back. This summer, you’re like all the college rebels who return to their permanent addresses: constrained and sober.

    Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

    There is one thing you’ll miss more this summer than anything. No, it’s not the friends you have grown to know and love over the last year. No, it’s not the city of Chicago at your fingertips. And it’s definitely not the food. Come on, it’s the booze. It’s those glorious hours you spent chugging screwdrivers and the hours you can’t remember afterwards. And now that you’re home, drunkenness proves more challenging. You have to find a new source. You need to find a place to do it. And you have to avoid your parents. This summer, you’re like every good college student: an alcoholic in withdrawal.

    Libra (September 23 – October 22)

    Try this on your ‘rents. “Hey Mom and Dad, I really want to study more about the world we live in, but I really can’t miss any of the parties *ahem* classes they offer at Northwestern. I think it would be really good to study abroad this summer.” They’ll love it. And you’ll have successfully found a way into a country that will let you drink legally before you’re 21, all on your parent’s credit card! This summer: Exploit the system, and unlike unfortunate Virgo, get as drunk as possible.

    Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

    You know what college is about. Getting out, exploring different interests and having new experiences. It’s a voyage of self-discovery, where you can leave your high school self behind and become a completely different person, and really figure out what you want to do with yourself. That is, until summer hits, and you can’t resist using your dad’s connections in city council to get that job at the civic center. This summer, you’re like every successful Northwestern student: reverting back to your old ways and calling mommy if the going gets too rough.

    Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

    So. You don’t want to deal with your crazy parents and crazy high school friends. For some unknown reason you have developed a little attachment to the flatness of Evanston and that view of Chicago from the lakefill. You know what the only option is for summer: Stay here! Pretend you don’t have a hometown and stick around. Because deep down you wish you too could be an Evanston townie. This summer you’re a wannabe townie, but you’re living in a fantasy world. Snap out of it and go home.

    Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

    You know what is the best idea for your last few free summers ever? After nine months of relentless studying and paper-writing and all-nighters to finish that Spanish presentation, there is only one thing left to do: Take more classes over the summer. This summer, you’re a loser. Make friends, dork.

    Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

    The best thing about college is the sex. Gone forever are the days when you have to schedule your libido around your parents’ work schedule or deal with having a gear shift jammed into your back when you’re trying to get a little action. (No matter what you say, it’s not sexy. It’s just uncomfortable.) At school, your significant other is around all the time, maybe even living down the hallway in a lovely single room. Until summer, when you are relegated to your hometown all by your lonesome and without the chance for a raunchy lovefest. This summer, you’re like the poor people getting their first taste of a long distance relationship: unsatisfied and alone.

    Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

    Please. You know the only reason you went to college in the frigid nether-regions of Illinois was to bury your body under 7 layers of sweaters until Memorial Day. Time to go back into the real world, where people will see your body and judge you for it. Sorry. Hazard of the season. This summer, you’re like that really skinny kid who gained the freshman 15 and then some: justifiably self-conscious.


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