In case you weren’t aware, Prince William and Catherine Middleton are getting married on Friday. There are a variety of things I could write about the wedding, ranging from who’s not invited to the Diana ring, but since I’m relatively apathetic about the whole thing, I’m just going to talk you through my favorite part—the tacky souvenirs.
What I don’t understand is what souvenir purchasers are going to say when they’re showing off their royal merch 20 years from now. “I was alive when Wills and Kate tied the knot”? It’s not like they actually attended the wedding ceremony. In any case, the silliness surrounding this new realm of merchandise shows you just how much Brits and Americans love their:
This wedding hasn’t even happened yet and of course there’s already a Lifetime movie. It aired last week but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it. My friend says it has a great plot. I pointed out it has a plot that’s been done before. Many times.
This tin is beautiful and the biscuits look adorable, but there is one central question that will challenge potential buyers: To eat or not to eat? If you eat the biscuits then your souvenir is no more. But why buy biscuits if you’re not going to indulge? Maybe others can handle this life-changing decision but it’s just too much pressure for me.
Whether you’re planning on overindulging at the wedding celebrations or just sick of the whole thing, pick up one of Lydia Leith’s screen-printed sick bags. Leith told The Huffington Post that she’s personally a fan of all the Royal Wedding memorabilia and thought the bags would be “a lighthearted addition to what’s available to commemorate the day.” Complete with a smiling image of the happy couple and the corny labeling “Throne Up,” these should keep you from chundering everywhere.
“Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure. Truly a King amongst Condoms.” Need I say more?
If there is one thing I’ve learned from researching all this memorabilia, it’s that refrigerators with gigantic pictures on them exist. And yes, even the lowliest of commoners can get one with William and Kate’s faces blown up across it. If you’re going to do this souvenir thing, do it right. This fridge will make it impossible for you to ever forget the Royal Wedding.
My all-time favorite Royal Wedding souvenir is this book showing you how to knit your very own royal family. They look adorable and if you actually make the set, you’ll have something to be really proud of. Instead of telling your children you watched a Lifetime movie, ate some cookies, threw up, had sex and bought some stupid things, you can show them something of your own handy-work: little knitted dolls of people you’ve never met before.