The five unsexiest sins of the bedroom

    A friend of mine was hooking up with her partner-in-crime not too long ago. It was a classic college get-together: Nudity! Thrill! Climax! Suspense! And then he proceeded to strangle her.

    This guy was not a murderer, nor was this an accident. This guy had a class-A erotic asphyxiation fetish, in which he believed he was pleasuring her by cutting off oxygen from her brain. Though his intentions were good, it was still kind of scary. Not to mention super awkward when she had to explain in the nicest way possible that strangulation did not, in fact, make her randy.

    Though my friend’s tale may not occur in the average hook-up, there are plenty of other scenarios that totally kill the mood. Because you should do whatever you can to avoid these, here is a list of five of the worst offenses, rated for their awkwardness on a the five-turtle scale. Just like a five-star scale, except the opposite. And reptilian.

    Number One: Unwanted surprises

    Never stick it in hole number two when she’s expecting hole number one and exclaim, “Now how’d that get in there?” No matter how strongly you believe women love surprises, there should be no such surprises in the bedroom. That being said, ladies should be sure to warn their partners beforehand if it’s that time of the month. There is probably no worse surprise for him than diving in and coming up with a mouthful of blood. Be responsible, own up and discuss any possible obstacles beforehand. You can still have sex on your period, as long as you have a means for clean-up. Just take a few moments before things get too heated and discuss what you both want out of this. Know what your partner expects, and try to come up with a vehicle of pleasure to take you both there. That’s where my friend’s partner went wrong: some people are cool with asphyxiation — we all have our fetishes — but it’s not something to spring on someone unexpectedly.

    Number Two: Leavin’ your socks on

    Socks and nudity just aren’t compatible. Yes, you can argue that there is simply no attractive way to take off one’s socks in bed, but this is a terrible excuse. If you’re going to take it off, take it all off. The socks should come off with the pants; they are a pair, like peanut butter and jelly, you and your partner, communication and good sex.

    A British study did find, however, that wearing socks in the sack equals more frequent orgasms. I’m not exactly sure how universal this is or if Brits are the only ones with cold feet. I still maintain that there is nothing less attractive than a naked leg attached to a socked foot.

    Number Three: Extreme dirty talk

    “I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby!” All right. Sexy-talk is fine, but just shouldn’t be taken too far. While it is perfectly normal to emit moans and the odd praise to God while doing the deed, one must keep in mind that porn is appealing because of its extremity. You definitely don’t want your partner thinking, “What a faker. I watched porn yesterday and the girl said the exact same thing!” Do say something, so your partner knows they’re doing your body good, but make sure your noises are sincere. If you feel insulted by your partner’s incessant, “Who’s your daddy?!” wait until afterward and tell him/her to keep your father out of this. You wouldn’t want to kill the mood even more by criticizing your partner at the height of their ranting.

    Number Four: Faking it

    According to a survey of Prof. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class, 64 percent of Northwestern girls and 20 percent of Northwestern guys have faked an orgasm. That’s a whole lot of fakers. Let’s think about this for a moment. If you start using your acting skills in bed, one of two things will happen: either your partner will realize you’re faking and feel like an idiot, or your partner won’t realize you’re faking and will be under the impression that he is badder than Ron Jeremy. And then you end up getting cheated. If your partner ain’t getting you off, tell him or her. They won’t be mad, promise! Whisper in your partner’s ear or move their body exactly where and how you want it. Now that’s hot.

    Number Five: Jackhammering

    Jackhammers are meant to tear holes through concrete. They’re violent and loud, and their sole purpose is destruction. Do yourself and your partner a favor by not bringing this sensation to the bedroom. You know the feeling — when a guy fingers you and goes far too hard, far too fast, you end up feeling more like his victim than his accomplice. Or, when a girl uses manual stimulation with so much force that you feel your jewels are slowly being ripped from your body. Pleasure is never supposed to hurt, so when it does, say so! Let your partner know you are in pain, and make sure you stop him/her before they injure you. If you feel uncomfortable saying it aloud, you can always guide them yourself, and show them what you really like.

    In a utopia, all the jack-hammering, sock-wearing, faking wrongdoers of the world will read this and come to their senses. But for now, it’s up to you to express your true sentiments to your partner and let them know when you don’t like something. Make it into a positive thing. Whisper in their ear, “This isn’t really my thing, but I love that other thing you do.” The key to having a great time in bed isn’t about possessing “skills” or being inhumanly flexible; it’s straight-up communication. If you don’t tell someone you hate what they’re doing, they’ll never know, and even worse, they’ll keep doing it. You’ll never get to experience all those mind-blowing orgasms you’ve heard so much about. And that, my friend, is a sorry thing to miss out on.

    Sex Position of the Week: The Piledriver
    This one is for more adventurous souls and is best done on a soft surface. Have the girl lie on her back, lifting her legs and pelvis so the majority of her weight is on her shoulders. Her legs should be spread with one leg forward and the other back, like a pair of scissors. Then, have the guy stand with his legs apart, feet on the floor on either side of her. The guy should be holding up her legs, either at the ankles or thighs. He should bend his knees as he is thrusting, careful not to thrust too hard and hurt her neck. There’s a reason why this is called the pile driver.


    blog comments powered by Disqus
    Please read our Comment Policy.