The Hills: "It's On Bitch"

    Our favorite boys and girls of SoCal are back. And so is the bitch. For those who don’t know, Kristin Cavallari, notorious super-bitch, has returned to MTV Reality. The loved-hated scriptedness has also returned, and newbie Jade better learn how to read her lines.


    Kristin’s entrance is marked with, “So random. I haven’t seen any of these people forever.” Damn right, you haven’t. You were blasted into reality television oblivion after Laguna Beach. Why couldn’t you stay there? Kristin flung herself on Justin Bobby as soon as she entered the scene, cementing her reputation as a notorious “maneater.”

    Really? Like, really? Justin Bobby? Thankfully, my disgust was distracted quickly as a full-on cat-fight commenced between Kristin and Stephanie, who was only sticking up for Audrina after JB ignored her at the party (the travesty)! In a matter of seconds, Kristin turned into the psycho-bitch we all love, screaming, “You fucked with the wrong girl, dude. Is it gonna be like this? Is it gonna be like this? You just fucked yourself!”

    Love it!

    Disclaimer to Audrina: Get over Justin Bobby! He’s a worthless piece of grime!

    Now we skip to Frankie’s birthday party (all the parties on The Hills seem to surround Frankie and I still don’t know who he is…) where Kristin enters with her signature three-syllable “Hiiiiieeeeeyyyaaaahhh.” Listening to Kristin comment on the Lakers game was painful. Actually painful. Luckily for me, she quickly cozied up to Justin Bobby (why?) until she flirtatiously — to say the least — reaches for a dropped peanut in his crotch. Then, of course, they go on a date where Kristin displays both her psychological expertise (“[Audrina’s] in love with you [...] I know. I know. [...] You’re that one guy.”) as well as her slutatious abilities (“I have the best bed.”). To which Justin replied, “We gotta break that thing in.”


    The one positive that may come from a Kristin-JB relationship is the long-awaited shave of the forest growing on Justin Bobby’s face, evidenced in the preview for next week.

    To Speidi: No point commenting on you. You’re so last season. Like, really.

    Final word:Bitch-tastic first episode!


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