Things that won't happen at DM

    There are plenty of things that are inevitably going to take place during Dance Marathon. Everyone will be tired. Everyone will be hungry. There will be plenty of crying. And ugly crying. Ugly crying for charity, that is. But have you ever thought about what would never happen?

    Romance isn’t going to start anywhere on the dance floor.

    Imagine: House music has been playing for more than two hours. Just as the beat drops, you lock eyes with a fellow dancer. Everything starts to move in slow motion. Actually, that might be a hallucination brought on by sleep-deprivation. Whatever. You’ve caught his gaze. He’s wearing a smile just as enchanting as his fanny pack. That’s not a euphemism. He’s literally wearing a fanny pack. Suddenly, the two of you are all over one another. You don’t even notice the smell of rank sweat radiating off of your own body.

    This is the DM hookup that nobody warned you about, but that’s because it’s not really something anybody needs to be concerned with. Everyone’s too busy ugly crying and dancing for, you know, children.

    Internet meme songs will never be played.

    “Wow, ‘Harlem Shake’ and ‘Gangnam Style’ didn’t play once in those 30 hours!” you say as you walk out of the DM tent.

    Yeah, right. ‘Gangnam Style’ was so 2012, but that won’t keep it from being blasted through the speakers at DM. ‘Harlem Shake’ is much more recent, but let’s face it – it’s already lived out its short life. Some people just aren’t going to be ready to let it go.

    Rick Bayless will not give you free food.

    Man, you think to yourself as you attempt to twerk for what must be the eighth time, I could really go for some food right now. And as if your prayers have been answered, a lone man appears on the stage. He lifts his head. The crowd gasps. It’s Rick Bayless, and he’s decked out in DM merch. He opens his arms wide and flings tortilla chips into the crowd. Obviously, nobody goes for them, but Bayless is unfazed. He beckons you over and you moonwalk towards him. “Rick Bayless, what are you doing here?” you ask. He shakes his head and hands you a smoothie. You had no idea Frontera Fresco was known for its blended beverages.

    “Rick Bayless--!” you exclaim. You want to thank him, but he is gone. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. You gasp, clutching the smoothie as you read its label. Suddenly, there are tears in your eyes: It’s Jamba Juice.

    If only, if only.

    Nobody will reenact the most famous scene from Dirty Dancing.

    This song will play, and what’s actually supposed to happen will happen. But sadly, I have yet to find someone with the hair, charisma, dance moves and upper-body strength of Patrick Swayze at Northwestern.

    DM will not play songs by only one deserving musician.

    Blocks 1-10: Beyoncé’s complete discography. Obviously there are practical reasons for why this can’t happen, but just try to imagine it. Savor that feeling while it lasts.


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