Let’s be clear about one thing: I hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day. I hate the gross candy hearts with the abbreviated messages and the diamond commercials on TV. I hate the sappy Hallmark quality of it all.
Forget the romance. Let’s focus on what Valentine’s Day is really about: sex. Nobody buys roses to be sweet. People buy roses because they want to get into someone’s pants, plain and simple.
Now if you’re single with no prospects on the horizon, the chances of you getting into someone’s pants tomorrow are pretty damn slim. In that case, I advise keeping chocolate and a good stash of porn close at hand. But for those of you who are lucky enough to be in love (or at least in lust) with someone special, I’ve compiled a list of things that’ll make your Valentine’s extra spicy this year.
- Write down one of your favorite sexual fantasies instead of penning a sentimental card. Or write down the beginning of one and tell your significant other that they can finish it for you later. Make sure you use lots of detail.
- Make a sex music mix together. Make sure to include lots of Prince and Marvin Gaye (or Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite, whatever turns you on).
- Go to a sex shop together instead of buying a gift (there’s plenty off the Red Line Belmont stop). Pick something out that you both want to try, whether it’s a new toy, game or outfit.
- Do a strip tease. This works for either sex. Just put some music on, take your clothes off slowly, and try not to let nervous laughter spoil the mood. Tell your partner they can watch but not touch.
- Get culinary in the bedroom. That means chocolate, whipped cream, strawberries, champagne, the works. Just don’t get anything with sugar into the vaginal area, or you’re asking for a nasty yeast infection.
- Take a shower or a bath together. There’s nothing better than steam and hot water. Plus then you’re both squeaky clean for…
- Oral sex. For women, just make sure you’re using enough pressure and tongue. And no teeth! As for men, she might be a little bit squeamish about you going down. If she is, just reassure her that you want to. And forget everything you’ve seen in porn: Women take much longer than 30 seconds to orgasm.
- Have sex in front of a mirror. Despite the trashy connotations, humans are visual creatures. This works especially well doggie-style so you can both see the mirror.
- Have sex with all your clothes on. Just try it. Skirts and button flies work best for this.
- Watch something sexy together. Whether it’s a hardcore porn flick or an old Mae West movie, there’s bound to be something out there that turns both of you on.
Here’s to hoping you all get some this Valentine’s Day. Just make sure you pack the condoms — the ones with the pink hearts on them, of course.