Deputy mayor attacked by wild monkeys, and other headlines

    It’s not just a dream. You really can relax this time of the quarter. Close your eyes. You’re lying by a beach and all your troubles are left behind. There are no pressures, you don’t have any goals to shoot at. But just keep your underwear on.

    When you give them underwear, the terrorists win

    Thanks goodness for our American right to free speech and our inquisitive media, otherwise this despicable behavior of our countrymen at Guantanamo Bay would have gone unreported: It seems there’s a lawyer trying to sneak underwear and bathing suits in for the prisoners.

    I too was shocked and appalled by this news. Clean underwear only encourages the terrorists!

    The lawyer – a Briton no less – was accused by the United States Navy, those noblest members of our underwear-patrol, of having smuggled a pair of Under Armour compression-fit underpants and a Speedo bathing suit to a client.

    This was no ordinary pair of underwear. In fact, the New Yorker points out that Under Armour’s website lists these underpants as having superior “moisture management.” All terrorists come from somewhere in the Middle East, where it’s always humid and muggy; they should be used to a little uncomfortable moisture by now and stop their whining.

    Hearing the news of Speedogate, a self-styled “conscientious entrepreneur” in Florida–who has kept his identity secret–sent Stafford Smith, the lawyer, an email detailing his own underwear collection. Turns out he runs a clothing importation business on the side.

    The entrepreneur had a box of 2,000 red, white, and blue silk boxer shorts. But they were missing a button and weren’t selling so he proposed that Smith try to smuggle them in to the prisoners.

    Unfortunately they’re still sitting in a warehouse and the prisoners have to make do with their government issued white boxer-briefs.

    Smith has plans for a new order, though: “These will be bright-orange boxer briefs with the words “Fair Trial, My Ass” printed on the backside.” At least someone’s laughing at the terrorists.

    Killer wild monkeys. ‘nuf said

    Somebody apparently wasn’t wearing his lucky pair of underwear last Saturday.

    In Karachi, Pakistan, a guy throws a grenade into a crowd and then sets off a bomb he’s wearing that’s filled with nuts and bolts. He manages to kill 136 people, but by an odd chance the intended victim – Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto – remains unharmed. She was walking into her armored bus at the exact moment the bomb went off.

    But across the way in Delhi, India, the deputy mayor is standing on his terrace, presumably just enjoying the view on a Saturday morning when he’s attacked by a group of wild monkeys. In fighting them off, he falls to the ground and dies.

    Wild rhesus monkeys are a problem in Delhi, where they sneak into government buildings and temples to steal food and generally scare the hell out of people. The High Court of India ordered the city to find a way to deal with the marauding menace last year.

    The government put a bunch of monkeys on the case. Literally. They hired a group of bigger, meaner langur monkeys for £7 a month in bananas to roam the city and scare away the biting rhesus monkeys.

    Officials estimate that there could be 20,000 monkeys or more in Delhi alone. People who keep feeding the adorable little cuddly monkeys nuts and bananas only encourage the animals to hang around downtown.

    Do you feel a little silly now for being afraid of the harmless raccoons populating our fine campus after dark?

    Shots to inoculate against nasty Republicans

    I’ve always said that I’d pet a wild monkey before I’d go anywhere near a Republican. It turns out I’m not the only one afraid of the Republican cooties (symptoms of infection include an irrational desire to tax the poor and an overwhelming need to bomb other countries).

    Congressional Democrats are wising up to this germ threat and are calling upon their colleagues to get vaccines to protect against the filthy fellows across the isle.

    An especially potent variety of communicable family values can be found at NASCAR races. Thankfully, members of the House Committee on Homeland Security were warned to update their immunizations before visiting racetracks in Alabama and North Carolina last week.

    A thoughtful staffer for the committee chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson, D-Miss., sent out an email to those going on the trip, reminding them that there’s an “unusual need for whomever attending to be vaccinated against hepatitis A and B,” and also “the more normal things — tetanus, diphtheria, and of course, seasonal influenza.”

    The Republican Rep. Robin Hayes, whose district includes one of the motorways visited, was experiencing symptoms of irritability and indignation when he received the email. The boil-covered Hayes shot back an email saying, “I have never heard of immunizations for domestic travel, and … I feel compelled to ask why the heck the committee feels that immunizations are needed to travel to my hometown.”

    Humpy Wheeler, President of the Lowe’s Motor Speedway was in the throes of a bad trip on nonsense when he gave reporters this imagery-laden analogy: “The very idea of immunization is laughable. It’s like taping your ankles to go to the mailbox.”


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