What's sexier: NBN staffers, lesbians, or film majors?

    I dread spending yet another Valentine’s Day alone. Any advice on how I can meet someone ASAP so I won’t spend this year’s holiday sighing over sappy cards in CVS by myself?

    You need someone to love? Then you’ve come to the right place! Because, you see, nobody at NBN has any sex, but they pang for it! Boy, do they pang for it! You can just feel the lack of sex trembling through this site. But that makes sense, since girls and boys who are just sex toys often ruin websites. (That’s not true: Sex toys never ruin a website.) I mean, hell, I don’t even think our sex columnist gets any. Her boyfriend lives in Azerbaijan or some such ballyhoo. So I bet you can just scan the staff list and pick a writer at random, and they’ll jump your bones from here till Tuesday.

    To answer what will surely be your next question, they will indeed leave you in the morning, as playas often do. But worry not: They’ll blog all about it the next day, replete with videos, pictures, and links to your Facebook profile. Then you can simply comment on the blog later, and compliment them on their sentence structure or their silver tongues. (If you do attempt this, try to land on Paul Schrodt or Sarah Hayden. They’ll get the job diggity-done.)

    But back to the question at hand, girl. (I’m just going to assume you’re girl, because men — real men, the kind of men who discovered fire and sailed round the world and invented scotch — don’t read advice columns, nor do they care about Valentine’s Day.) I have some honest-to-Ron Burgundy advice for you: Play video games.

    It may sound too simple but, trust me, it works. If you play video games, be it Smash Bros. or Madden, Guitar Hero or Gears of War, or even Final Fantasy or Katamari Damacy (in the opinion of this writer, especially Katamari Damacy), the poor boy might as well have just finished his 13th shot! Men are intoxicated by girls who play video games. And you don’t even have to be good! Girls who suck at video games can be endearing to guys. It lets us easily establish our dominance and stuff.

    On the off chance that this is a boy who has inquired, get a life. A life and a girlfriend. Damn.

    I’m a girl who has a crush on my best girl friend. I’ve never come out as being gay or even bisexual, so I’m scared to tell her and hit her with a double whammy.

    First things first, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Is my best friend hot enough to experiment?” If your BFF is indeed that hot (and she should be if you’re crushing on her), perhaps she has tried her hand at it already. And, you never know, maybe she has a secret that she never told you — like a girlfriend! That would make for a way better “double whammy,” no?

    If she ain’t that hot, though, I would say you break the first bit of news to her (the part about liking the ladies) and save the latter for later. Having just come to terms with your homosexuality, or maybe just bisexuality, things will probably get complicated for a while; you may want your friend around. Wait until you know you’re sure about your feelings for your friend before you tell her. You should also consider the consequences: Is it worth possibly losing your friend over this when you could, to quote Talladega Nights, just bottle it up deep down inside and never let it out? For better or worse, that could the easier, more endurable of the two options, depending on how much this friend means to you.

    And if none of this works, and you try to get your friend drunk and she kicks you out of her room and her life, I can just give you the name and number of the person who asked the first question! That lovelorn schmuck—maybe a girl, maybe just a girly, girly guy—is looking for something to do, and that thing could be you. Maybe you can also get a new best friend out of the deal. You never know.

    Also, and this is important, if you and your friend hit it off, my number’s 860-335-5417. Holla’ at me. (An aside to my girlfriend: If you’re reading this, dear, and are not too busy being hot and playing Guitar Hero, let me explain: I have to provide my number. I have to! It’s part of the journalistic process, for, like, follow-up interviews and such. I have friends in Medill who will corroborate this!)

    I hate Medill, and I’m thinking about transferring to film. But I feel like Medill has such a good reputation and that if I can just suck it up for three and a half more years, I’ll graduate with name-brand degree. What should I do? The freshman journalism classes really suck.

    Here’s the deal: Film majors are just hotter. There are just grip trucks full of hot ladies who are film majors. And that makes sense, given it’s such a feminine thing — trivial, artistic, shallow. (That’s just the scotch talking, girls, just the scotch.) But if you’re a girl — I should really clarify this gender thing next week, yeah? — then you’re out of luck. I just transferred out of the film department, so you won’t be blessed with my presence in any of your classes. But don’t let that thwart your cinematic aspirations. Many a lady will attest to the hotness of professors Scurtis and Sconce.

    But seriously, folks, seriously. I say you stick with Medill and minor in film — a very simple, accessible, and entertaining minor that can prepare you for entertainment criticism, documentary filmmaking, or just provide a nice diversion from those strap-on Medilldos out there. (Hey you journalism majors who’ve managed to read this far, do you spell “Medilldos” with one ‘l’ or two? You probably don’t even know. It’s probably not something you copy-edit that often, huh?)

    As noted above, though, I did just transfer out of the film department, but not out of spite. My interests have just changed. I now like to make fun of people, mostly women, and wear this really great robe I got over break. I also never felt the love for film production that most majors feel. I greatly prefer film theory and screenwriting, which is what the film minor is all about (What it’s only about, really. Minors can’t take production classes). In fact, you should really only major in film if you know you’ll love production unconditionally, because the conditions can get rough — all-nighters on set, in inclement weather at best and a megalomaniac for a director to make everything that much better.


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