Which NU Athlete Would Aziz Ansari Be?

    Comedian Aziz Ansari will be performing this Friday at NU, thanks to A&O, SASA and MCSA. We at NBN decided to kick in our services to determine which Northwestern athlete Ansari most resembles.

    The candidates:

    Dan Persa, QB

    Any comparison should start with Persa, probably Northwestern’s most well-known athlete. Persa had such a good year that the Big Ten coaches selected him first-team All-Big Ten even though he ruptured his Achilles and missed the season’s final three games. However, other than their visibility, the comparison between Persa and Ansari falls short. Persa plays football smoothly and with poise, while Ansari’s act is predicated on jumping around the stage and hyperactive energy. Persa is the Big Man on Campus type, where Ansari crafts himself as more of a nerd in his routines. But maybe there is other football comparison for Ansari? What about…

    Venric Mark, WR/PR

    Now we’re getting closer. Mark is the fastest player and the team and plays with a distinct energy on the field. It always seems like he is in a higher gear than everyone else. Ansari relies on energetic routines, especially when he slips into his alter ego, Randy. Ansari created Randy for a role in the Judd Apatow movie Funny People. He describes the Randy character as much more brash and energetic than his actual stand-up persona, and performed several shows as his alter ego to prepare for the movie. Like Mark, Randy is always moving faster than everyone else. Additionally, Ansari is a relative newcomer to comedy, just getting prominent roles in the last year or two, similar to  Mark, a newcomer to Northwestern athletics whose received significant playing time even as a true freshman. It would seem like there is a lot in common between Ansari and Mark, yet something isn’t quite right. Aziz just doesn’t seem like the football player type. Maybe basketball…

    Luka Mirkovic, C

    This comparison really makes no sense, but it’s just funny to think about. Mirkovic is 6 feet 11 inches, and Ansari is barely taller than his 5-foot-2 Parks & Recreation costar Amy Poehler, according to celebheights.com. Mirkovic does display some of Ansari’s energy on the court, and is known for pounding his chest and head and flapping his arms in order to rile up the crowd. And Mirkovic wears a facemask in every game, which seems like something Randy would definitely do if it could somehow get him a laugh. Mirkovic also has no problem playing the villain, as evidenced by his performance at Purdue where the crowd booed him every time he touched the ball. Ansari played Seth Rogen’s antagonist in Observe and Report and Rogen’s rival comedian in Funny People. But that comparison is still pretty tenuous. No, the Northwestern athlete Ansari would be is…

    Amy Jaeschke, C

    Disregard the awkward trans-gender comparison. Ansari has established himself as an up-and-coming comedian, yet remains under the radar and without a headlining role. Jaeschke is averaging 23.5 points and 9.1 rebounds per game, while shooting over 50 percent from the floor, yet is under the radar. Ansari had somewhat of a breakout year between his acclaimed Parks & Recreation role and his excellent stand-up routines. Jaeschke is having a breakout year, averaging seven more points per game than any other season in her career. Jaeschke may get drafted into the WNBA, and Ansari — well, he probably won’t. Just ignore that, the comparison still works.

    So there you go, if Aziz Ansari were a Northwestern athlete, he would be a 6-foot-5 women’s basketball player. Just imagine that during his routine on Friday.


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