NU, you look like you need a massage

    The week started off with a collective “oh, shit,” when the second week of Winter Quarter hit and we realized that maybe we’re in over our heads after all.

    It was hard enough leaving the comfort of our parents’ plush-carpeted suburban homes for class, but on Monday Heavenston was looking anything but. The Daily’s Blotter reported that a Northwestern student was mugged near the Ridge and Davis apartments south of campus. (To clarify, freshmen, that’s probably where you’ll be getting drunk tonight.)

    All the smoothing cream in the world couldn’t help tense and frizzy-haired sorority hopefuls, tossing and turning in bed, wondering what the next day of “elimination” would bring. Now that sorority bids are out in the open, the girls have the pleasure of privately comparing themselves to friends granted admission to the houses where they were denied.

    But for at least one week in campus history, it was the frats that got all the attention: The Delta Upsilon brothers were put in an awkward position as everyone from FOX to WBBN blew a seemingly innocent – or at least legal – recruitment event way out of proportion. I strongly suspect the Little People of America had something to do with it.

    Because of the midget wrestlers, the shrieking pledges or a combination of both, the tension between Greeks and everyone else reached a new pitch when someone anonymously spray-painted “FUCK FRATS” on the pavement near the Rock. Too bad it was painted over within a few hours — I was personally impressed by the clever use of alliteration, and the use of the same “F” for both words. A hateful crossword, if you will.

    Northwestern’s administration must be kicking itself in the butt for letting a night with Rudy Giuliani slip away. According to the Northwestern Chronicle, the presidential candidate made several attempts to hold an event on campus which were all “bungled” by us. That’s all right. If the level of excitement over Colbert’s appearance at the 2006 Homecoming Parade taught us anything, it’s that we prefer our conservatives when they’re fake.

    Medill students’ furrowed brows could only mean one thing: Yes, President Bienenannounced that John Lavine’s appointment as dean of the quasi-journalism school, originally scheduled to end in 2009, has been extended — there really is no escaping 2020, is there? Guess I have to spring for that “necessary” camcorder now.

    And, of course, each one of NU’s record number of undergraduate applicants this year — all 25,000+ of the lil’ buggers — is sure to show us how it’s really done when they get here next fall. The first piece of campus news they’ll care about? Whether or not they get in.

    Try to relax, Northwestern of the future. Tension is not a good look for you.


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