You want a Valentine? You got a Valentine.

    Listen, I’m not trying to be biased, but Valentine’s Day sucks. I’m not a feminist, I’m not a cynic: I’m just telling it like it is. Though those who look forward to this holiday may be few and far between, here are some tips that may or may not help you join that meager population who do have a sweetheart by Valentine’s Day.

    Take off your pants.
    Sweatpants: they’re comfortable, they’re clean. They tuck nicely in to your boots. You know what they don’t tuck nicely in to? The prospects of someone asking you on a date. Trade in your sweats for a form-fitting insulated alternative that highlights your best assets, or, I guess, your worst ones. Hey, there’s somebody out there for everybody.

    Get out of bed.
    It’s warm. It’s tempting. You know what else is? Sex. Try to find multiple incentives to get out of bed, or even your room. Go do something. Sign up for cardio-hip hop. Join BLAST. Even go to class. The chances of you finding a date outside of your room are exponentially greater than the chances of you finding a date inside. Unless, of course, the kind of date you’re looking for is inanimate.

    Ask your friend to set you up, unless your friend is weird.
    Tried and true, this is probably the fastest way to get someone as desperate as you to tolerate you for a couple of hours. I mean…it’s the fastest way to find a date. Ask a friend to set you up with someone with similar interests. Personally, I would Facebook them first so it isn’t a complete disaster. Just saying.

    Don’t look how you feel, especially if how you feel is cold.
    It’s that time of year. Everyone on Sheridan looks angry. We’re quickly approaching Valentine’s Day and you can’t afford to screw things up. A smile actually goes a long way, especially because you really don’t see too many when it’s below freezing outside. Find some sort of reason to smile at every person you meet. It may not directly help you find a special someone, but it’ll definitely brighten someone’s day, and that someone could be the right one.

    Go out. Get a little crazy.
    I’m not saying pull a Jersey Shore, but I kind of am. Get saucy and rub up against some people, with their consent. It’s not the most creative, or memorable, way to reel a Valentine, but if you can manage to charm the pants (take that as you will) off of them for a mere day or two, you could be in luck. Remember, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, but be afraid to put yourself out there too much.

    If you’re really desperate, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. Or there’s always eHarmony.


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