Your week in crazy: breakdowns, boozing and bitching

    The Associated Press has Britney Spears’ obituary ready for the wires… you know, in case of an “accident.”

    “We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time,” Jesse Washington, AP entertainment editor, told Us Weekly Thursday.

    It’s not unusual for the AP to stock obituaries for famous, near-death celebrities, but it is unusual for those celebrities to be 26-years-old. Classy.

    Spears’ recent, escalating breakdowns (the most recent involving a trip to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center after a custodial dispute with the father of her children and model citizen K-Fed) can’t last forever without a casualty.

    One psychologist, Dr. Lillian Glass, goes so far as to claim Spears will be dead within the year if she doesn’t seek psychiatric treatment. Glass told GLOBE Magazine, “unless Britney is locked away or put into a treatment program, she is going to die in six months — or even sooner.”

    For the betting man (or woman), visit for your chance to win a Playstation 3…. and celebrate the official loss of your soul.

    (My vote: Sept. 16, 2008, at 4:11 p.m.)

    On a related note, judges gave Lindsay Lohan a glimpse of her future as punishment for a recent DUI conviction: eight hours’ hard work in a morgue. The punishment is part of a program designed to show drunk drivers the consequences of their actions.

    Maybe this can clean Lohan up, but don’t hope too much; after multiple stints in rehab, it seems nothing can phase the former Hollywood party queen.

    Catching the crazy, a video of Tom Cruise promoting Scientology was released to Youtube earlier this week. After a takedown notice from the Church of Scientology, Youtube took the video down. Defamer is now hosting the video in the face of several threatening notices from Scientology.

    I can personally vouch for Scientology’s craziness. The much-beloved actress Kirstie Alley lives in my hometown of Wichita, Kan., and I often see her at our fine dining establishments (like Panera. She is always eating when I see her, by the way). She and her buddy John Travolta decided Wichita was lacking a reputable church and built the First Church of Scientology down the street from my aunt’s house. Now those crazies are always around, trying to get me to come in for a “psychological consultation” that is really just a vacuum into their upside-down world.

    Anyway, Mr. Cruise claims that Scientologists are “the authorities on the mind” and “the way to happiness,” and this inclined some insightful viewers to think he is perhaps a little bit crazy.

    This video comes in the wake of an unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise claiming that (in no particular order): Tom Cruise is head honcho #2 in the Scientology world; Cruise is not gay (!); Nicole Kidman is a malicious, heartless diva and a bad mom (harsh); and some fringe Scientologists believe Suri Cruise represents the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard.


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