1. It’s Friday night. Well, technically, it’s Saturday morning. 1:30 in the morning, and you are going for a late-night BK run. Once upon a time you would have settled for a few sandwiches off of the dollar menu. But you’re the president of Northwestern University now, and you can afford a treat — even though you gave some of that money for your party to A&O for that John Legend concert. What a swell guy.

You opt for the BK Quad Stacker. You jaywalk back across the street toward campus to pick up some papers from the administrative offices. Who’s going to stop you? You’re the president of Northwestern! You approach the steps by the clock tower and … hark! A drunken freshman girl is stumbling down the stairs! She too is going to BK! She told her friends she was just going to get a four-piece chicken tenders, but you can see it in her eyes – she’s going for an eight-piece, with a milkshake and a large fry. What do you do?

a. You let her stumble on. Traffic is light on Clark, and chances are she will make it to BK safely. Proceed to 4.

b. You offer her some of the Wild Turkey from your hip flask. It’s the sort of friendly gesture that you hope will endear you to your new student body. Proceed to 3.

c. You ask her if she needs help. She looks like she needs it. Proceed to 2.

2. You’re on the right track! You’re taking action! You’re empathetic! You’re practically a hero! But as you approach she swoons and topples. Quick! What do you do?

a. DIVE! You will keep this girl from hurting herself even if it means shredding your matching tie and sweater combination on the concrete. Proceed to 7.

b. You think. And think a little more. Too late! There was no time for thinking! She fell! Proceed to 6.

c. You take out your phone and get it all on camera. The next day you post it on Youtube as “Smashed Girl Smashes Face.” Proceed to 5.

3. Listen. Making friends with students is important, but chances are Student Affairs isn’t going to be too pleased about this one. If you want to be friendly, offer her some water or a loaf of bread. Nothing says “friendship” like handing a couple stale slices of Pepperidge Farms Wheatberry to a drunk person. As you pass her the flask, a wandering building security guard catches you. In the words of everyone’s favorite fluffy-haired billionaire — “You’re fired.” The end.

4. Really, Morty? What a cop-out. Here at Northwestern, we aren’t limp-limbed intellectuals like those kids at Williams, we are proactive doers. You would have been better-off kicking her down the stairs. Not to mention there is no possibility for driving the plot forward if you don’t do anything! The end.

5. Tasteless. Absolutely tasteless. Enjoy your Quad Stacker, you sadistic fiend. The end.

6. You’re a critical thinker. That’s to be appreciated. But sometimes there just isn’t time to be asking “How would Foucault view this situation?” or “Would my actions here be those of a Hobbes-ian or a Locke-ian?” Now the girl is bleeding, and you’re standing there, Quad Stacker in hand, looking the fool. How long is it going to take you to call the police? Because you really don’t have time to think through the power relationships between the police and citizens right now. The end.

7. Wow. Get you a hat and a whip, and you’d be a veritable Indiana Jones (and the Slovenly Music Performance Major, nice ring to it, eh?) She’s safely cradled in your arms, but now she’s lurching. You recognize the motion, it’s the same one your cat makes before he deposits a hairball on the kitchen floor. Think fast, Indy!

a. You are not getting puked on. You carefully set her head on the ground and tilt her body sideways, so she doesn’t choke on her tongue. Just like they taught you in CPR class. Then you get on your phone and call for help. Proceed to 8.

b. Stoic to the end, you can’t imagine the dual humiliation of this girl puking and resting on a concrete pillow. You brace yourself and try and envision the face of the guy at the dry-cleaners when you bring that outfit in. Proceed to 9.

8. You can’t be faulted for this one. Really, what good is it going to do anybody if you get puked on? Paramedics will be there soon, you’ll be deemed a hero, and you’ll get to finally enjoy that Quad Stacker. Totally free of Jungle Juice regurgitation. You pass. Congrats.

9. Martyr syndrome much? Good luck enjoying that Quad Stacker when you’re covered in what smells unnervingly like BK’s special sauce. There is a Fear Factor victory in your near future. The end.

I have long enjoyed fast food. It seemed appropriate then, when I decided to come to Northwestern, that the default 24/7 campus eating establishment was Burger King. Many questions in life become more nuanced during college, and my dialogue with fast food packaging was no exception. Rather than simply posing a question, my cup or sandwich wrapper now offered glib commentary, from fragments like: “Go for it. Tons of ice. No ice. Do your thing. One napkin or two. Whatever you need. No wrongs. Just rights. The right to have things just how you like ‘em,” to tropes like, “You’re special and you deserve a special sandwich.” Being hungry, this punditocracy by garbage made me smile; being over-analytic, it made me think.

Upon reflection, I found myself unsettled by the reductionist, almost childish tone of the branding scheme. The meticulously contrived spontaneity meant to suggest chumminess, the little faux-schematic diagrams of a burger on a bun felt fake. It seemed acceptable to waste a few napkins wiping my fingers, but could I honestly do no wrong in stuffing my face with a triple layer bacon cheeseburger and jumbo fries? Like any satisfied customer, I normally would not bother with the implications of my actions beyond the reflexive, “This meal is a heart-attack in a bag, lol,” mea culpa. The fry pod, however, begged the question.

On the one hand, there was the issue of personal responsibility. This summer, I exchanged small talk at a beachside burger shack with a middle-aged gentleman. He said he’d been able to eat anything he wanted without gaining weight until the age of 30, and urged me to enjoy my own magical metabolism while it lasted; I regularly take his suggestion. Nevertheless, I do theoretically understand the zero-sum balance between six-piece chicken fingers and six-pack abs. I know there is something improper, in the scope of human evolution, about consuming as many calories in fifteen minutes as there are years separating the birth of Jesus and the modern day. And I know that my future self could well be screaming at me for eating so many fats, salts and chemical preservatives.

On the other hand, there are the questions of social responsibility. Just as I can purchase stock in some wondrous biotech research firm, I can purchase a share of participation in a fast-food business: For one crumpled ten-dollar fiat bill, I can assume one meal’s worth of complicity in the enterprise. Seeing only the final good, I don’t really know what methods I’m blessing and enabling. Deforestation? Factory farming? Labor abuse? Obesity? Like designating a soda choice, my inner rational actor demands that I punch the correct button. Sometimes I have the sinking suspicion that I should press all of them, and maybe others I haven’t heard of.

More than any discrete problems of technology or conservation, what bothered me most about the pep-talk coming from my placemat was the equation of my eating habits with my expression of self. Choosing the level of ice in my cup was allegedly determinative of my self-actualization. Given that there were “no wrongs,” I stood absolved from reproach for abject gluttony. Furthermore, I enjoyed by dint of my purchase “just rights” to consume and discard. Alongside my right to free expression and my right security of my home was appended, apparently, my right to a fish sandwich. It felt like a corrosion of principle, or an inexorable race to the bottom governed by logical laws.

Fortunately, I have the luxury of choice. I continue to enjoy eating at the BK Lounge every once in a while; I never do it out of economic necessity. Perverse as it may be, I like having personal responsibility for deciding whether or not I want to take an anti-cardio workout at two a.m. Additionally, I enjoy the singular cultural role of BK in life at Northwestern as a neon-lit intersection of our late-night lives. It is a fixed point of convenience, whose 80s soundtrack suggests the confidence of the Reagan administration and satisfaction that never ends. It is a gateway to Evanston and Chicago, where the tortured architecture of the Crown Center and Blue Light phones give way to high-rise apartments and speeding taxis. It is an enabler that withholds judgment while we make the exhilarating and frightening choices of adulthood. And it is in some sense an adviser that asks us questions about ourselves if we look at it long enough. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But don’t fret! This removal isn’t permanent, as BK is working on making the application work within the site’s parameters. Start friending a bunch of strangers so you can sacrifice them to the King a week from now.

Bonus seven-minute video of the Whopper Sacrifice in action:

It felt so good; now I’m full of regrets. Photo on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

For most of us, the answer is easy: run to BK. But studies have shown that college students– who often assume their age makes them at the peak of their health, regardless of their behaviors– are far unhealthier than they think. The majority are not meeting nutritional needs for iron, calcium or folate, and many others are overweight or obese. Even at a healthy weight, students may have high cholesterol or metabolic syndrome. Late at night, it’s easy to forget all of this and order the Quad Stacker. But your body will pay for it.

The good news? There are ways to eat healthier, even late at night, without spending a fortune and a ton of time on preparation. And it’s easier than you think! Amy Cartwright, a registered dietician with a private practice in Pennsylvania, shared some tips for eating healthy, whether you chose to make the trek to BK or snack in your room.

If you resist the glow of BK

• Fresh fruits and vegetables are good choices because they are low in calories. Make yourself more likely to eat them by washing and preparing them beforehand so there’s no preparation, and by buying things like low-fat ranch dip and hummus to eat with veggies, and cinnamon and sugar or low-fat caramel dip to eat with fruit.
• Pay attention to serving sizes. “Portion sizes are probably the most important thing when it comes to snacking,” said Cartwright. Buy pre-portioned snacks (think those 100 calorie bags) or portion out the food yourself into plastic bags.
• Check the label. Choose foods high in fiber (3 grams or more per serving) to keep you feeling full, such as fruit and whole-grain granola bars or cereal. Also look for foods low in fat, especially avoiding saturated fat, which can increase your cholesterol.
• Don’t eat and study at the same time. According to Cartwright, “Try to avoid snacking when studying because you’re going to keep going and not really enjoy the snack, and you will eat more than you would really like.” Instead, take special breaks just to eat.
• Avoid caffeine. Instead of soda, drink water or diet drinks that are caffeine free. And if you struggle with staying awake, try eating smaller, more frequent meals to keep your energy level up.
• Beware of the vending machine. “Be prepared,” advises Cartwright. “Have foods available so you are more likely to choose these foods instead of something from the vending machine.”
• Feeling a little overwhelmed by all the tips? “Start small,” says Cartwright. “You don’t want to make too many changes in your lifestyle at once.”

And when you do end up at the Burger King Lounge:

Because sometimes it’s just inevitable. But there are ways to make a BK run without spontaneously developing heart disease.

• Watch how much you’re eating. Choose the single hamburger instead of the double, and don’t supersize those fries.
• Go with grilled chicken instead of fried. The TENDERGRILL® chicken sandwich has 380 less calories than the TENDERCRISP® version.
• Pick healthier sides. Fries might sound good, but they can really pack on the calories. But you’re in luck: with the recent push for healthier options, BK, along with most fast food restaurants, has started providing healthier side options. If you can resist, you are far better off with apple slices, a baked potato, or soup.
• Know your salads. They seem like the healthier choice, but adding croutons and two ounces of honey mustard dressing at BK pulls up your calorie count by 330 (not including the actual salad).
• Be careful with that drink. One BK king-sized chocolate milk shake is a whopping 1,260 calories—over half your suggested calories for one day! Also, avoiding sodas is a good way to cut calories and caffeine.

Why the heck are you out and about at 3 a.m.?

Vengaboys — “We Like To Party”

You had a bit of fun at that ’90s party on Ridge and Davis, didn’t you? Too much jungle juice? Oh, well, it’s all in good fun — and what is college for anyway if it isn’t to embarrass yourself in front of complete strangers? Whatever, you like to party! And you managed to raise money for student theater without Mary Desler noticing. So good for you!

What are you looking for?

Jimmy Buffett — “Cheeseburger in Paradise”

When you’re drunk and hungry, you want greasy food. So what sounds better than a double Whopper, French fries, chicken nuggets, an apple pie and a large Diet Coke? Yum. “A big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat” is just what you need, whether you’re done partying or in need of a study break.

What do you actually get?

“Weird” Al Yankovic — “Eat It”

Fast food looks tantalizingly good in the pictures on the menu. In reality, you get a soggy burger with grease-loaded fries. But you already paid, and you may be under the influence, so as Weird Al says, “It doesn’t matter if it’s boiled or fried, just eat it.”

Why is that guy telling me to move up in line?

Ben Folds — “Rent-A-Cop”

“Excuse me, miss. Miss! You in the tiara. Yeah. Hi. Can you step forward please? Great.” The BK bouncers are quick to keep the line moving while streams of people file in to indulge before finally passing out (hopefully) in their own beds. The cops may be pushy and unforgiving and they may not be so kind as to let you take a quick nap in between fries, but you know they have our best interest at heart. Pushing us to the front only means we get our food faster and who doesn’t want that? We salute you, BK Bouncer, and remember — as Ben Folds says, you “only have to stand here two more hours ’til it’s Miller Time.”

See that creeper in the corner?

Lily Allen — “Knock ‘Em Out”

He’s the one who looks like he’s never taken a shower in his life. Oh no, he’s walking over to you, asking if you go to Northwestern. He wants to know your major, where you’re from. He smells. You’re stuck. Just like Lily Allen in the dive bar, “you can’t knock ‘em out, you can’t walk away,” so you smile, nod, and quietly run out of the restaurant.

And if you get out unscathed?

Geto Boys — “Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta”

You did it. You survived the possibility of getting mugged and/or getting a heart attack in order to get yourself some cheap, greasy food. This is pretty close to the only thing Northwestern students can call “street cred.” Go and brag about it. We’re sure your friends will appreciate it.

For the scores of Northwestern students who regularly chow down at the Burger King on Orrington Avenue after midnight, ordering Whoppers or Chicken Fries or Tendercrisps isn’t a matter of taste or health or good conscience. It’s a matter of convenience.

“I actually don’t like Burger King,” said second-year Kellogg student Pedro Silva from inside the fast-food joint, “But it’s the only place I find open.”

On Nov. 1, a group of NU students showed up at BK for something other than late-night sustenance. Around 15 people gathered outside, yelling slogans and holding signs written in both English and Spanish. They walked up to the manager and handed him a letter detailing what, in their minds, needs to change at BK: the conditions and salaries of workers thousands of miles away, picking tomatoes for BK menu items.

“I don’t think it’s just for a large corporation to profit at the expense of their laborers, be it tomato pickers, or anyone,” said Lexi Carlson, a fifth-year student in Weinberg and Music, and an organizer of the protest.

The protesters — mainly members of Students for Economic Justice — were taking part in the “King Doom Days of Action,” a national movement sponsored by the Student-Farmer Alliance and the Coalition of Immokalee Workers. Protests were held at three other Chicago-area Burger Kings. Their intent: to help tomato pickers in Immokalee, Fla., by changing labor conditions and getting them a raise of one penny per pound of tomatoes picked. They say they want to duplicate the successes the group had in the past with fast-food chains like Taco Bell. Another protest at the Evanston BK is scheduled for Dec. 1, to lend support to a large Student-Farmworkers’ Alliance rally in Miami.

But not everyone is on board. At the Nov. 1 protest, a group called “Students for a Free Market Economy” showed up to stage a counter-protest. They said the proposed Immokalee workers agreement was too reflective of socialism, as opposed to workers’ rights. The group is just one of several that take issue with the Student-Farmworkers’ goals. It’s a national controversy, but groups on both sides agree that at NU, the issue has an added angle: Burger King’s popularity among students.

“They picked a good place to attack here,” said McCormick junior Nic Holthaus, a member of the counter-protest group. “[BK] is a significant part of the community.”

Getting involved

To the NU students involved in the BK protests, the issue is human rights.

“To see the reality in which [the workers] live makes successes that much more inspiring and impressive,” Carlson said. She witnessed the conditions of the tomato pickers while visiting Immokalee over the summer. Also, she was involved in similar protests against Yum! Brands, the parent company of Taco Bell and, previously, McDonald’s.

“It really was a struggle I could participate in,” said Medill sophomore Amalia Oulahan, a member of Students for Economic Justice. Also involved in last year’s successful efforts against McDonald’s, Oulahan liked the way the Coalition of Immokalee Workers operated and chose to take part in the Burger King protests. “[The Coalition] is a good example of leadership that comes out of the community.”

Oulahan became more engaged when she met some of the Immokalee workers last spring. “It puts a face on it… It makes it more real,” she said. She noted that although many college students don’t seem to care about fair food, they can have an impact on the industry, and that the issue deserves attention.

The controversy

Founded to address poor living and working conditions, the Coalition is composed primarily of Latino and Mayan tomato pickers in Immokalee. Their successes include brokering deals with Yum! Brands and McDonald’s that include directly paying tomato pickers “a penny more per pound” and observing a working code of conduct. The Coalition has also investigated modern cases of slavery in the tomato fields.

Some dispute the Coalition’s claims regarding workers’ conditions and pay. The Florida Tomato Growers Exchange points to a government study that says tomato harvesters’ hourly wages range from $10.50 to $14.86, with an average of $12.46. However, the Coalition maintains that the price paid per bucket of tomatoes picked, about 45 cents for 32 pounds, is a more effective indicator of income, because wages are based on how much each individual produces in the fields.

“Ask a worker if it’s $12 an hour; they will laugh in your face,” said Lupe Gomez, a member of the Student Farmer Alliance, speaking on behalf of Lucas Benitez, a leader within the Coalition. Factors such as the weather, the season, the time of day and more can determine each worker’s productivity. In order to make the Florida minimum wage of $6.67, a worker would have to pick 2.5 tons of tomatoes in a day.

“The reality is you have to keep running, whether there are tomatoes or not” said Immokalee worker Gerardo Reys. He said there’s always the possibility that a harvester will have to work in a field four-times picked over.

Burger King, however, has publicly rejected the penny-per-pound deal. “Quite frankly, there’s so many legal entanglements, the workers become our employees” said Steve Grover, vice-president for food safety, quality assurance and regulatory compliance at Burger King. “We don’t want them to become our employees. We’re in the hamburger business.”

In fact, the Florida Tomato Growers Exchange has said that the Taco Bell and McDonald’s deals with the Coalition are no longer in effect, citing legal concerns relating to antitrust, labor, and racketeering laws. Growers Exchange vice-president Reggie Brown said that when the agreement was in effect, the checks cut to individual workers were only between $1.70 and $6.50 per week.

“How does giving a worker an extra $100 a picking season resolve slavery?” asked Grover. He said that Burger King is willing to help improve conditions in Immokalee, but he “ethically can’t agree with an agreement that won’t work.”

The Coalition disagrees with the Florida Tomato Growers Exchange, and says their deals brokered with Yum! and McDonalds are still having an effect. “The reality is that our poverty is not going to change because of the lies,” said Benitez. “If someone refuses to sit at a table, we’re going to continue our campaign”

Still the king

Back in Evanston, Burger King’s lights continue to glow round the clock, regardless of controversy over tomato pickers’ wages, and many students remain unaware.

“In general, I’d like to say that I’m surprised by the exploitation,” said Weinberg senior Georgette Argiris. “At a different point [the boycott] would have influenced me,” she said. But it all comes down to convenience.

Many students felt they were not informed enough on the issue, and that their choice to boycott would not have much of an impact. And in the end, it might just be too hard to give it up.

“It’s the legendary BK; 24 hours. It means herds of theater students coming in at four in the morning putting on musicals,” Argiris said. “It’s become an emblem of Northwestern.”

But that doesn’t mean you should resort to Stir-fry Steve’s creations. We’ve compiled a list of some of Evanston’s tastiest restaurants with romantic potential, so big spenders and cheapskates alike can celebrate monogamy in style.

High rollers

Oceanique
$20-40 per entrée, $75 for six-course chef’s tasting menu
Located at Chicago and Main

It’s safe to say that Oceanique — ranked the No. 1 seafood restaurant in the Chicago metropolitan area by Zagat for 13 consecutive years — is our closest available fine dining. Wine Spectator Magazine has given Oceanique the Award of Excellence every year since 1994. From brilliantly presented seafood prepared by chef Mark Grosz to the selection of 600 fine wines and the adorable French bistro inspired interior, Oceanique provides the true foodie’s dining experience that may well be worth the extra buck.

Davis Street Fishmarket
$18-40 per entree
Located at Davis and Hinman

The charming seafood decorations lend a hand to the warm and inviting atmosphere of the Davis Street Fishmarket: there’s nothing quite like enjoying grilled swordfish while a swordfish statue watches from a perch on the wall. The filet mignon in the surf-and-turf options cost a pretty penny, but any meat lover knows this tender cut of beef is well worth it, and any seafood fan will be satisfied with the wide selection of fresh fish and shellfish that the Davis Street Fishmarket offers.

Just pushing it…

Photo by the author.

Vive La Crepe
$9-20 per entree
Located at Sherman and Davis

If you’ve ever wanted to be served ratatouille by a waitress with a French accent, this restaurant is for you. The entrée crepes are nothing to write home about, but where Vive La Crepe shines is dessert (and that’s what crepes are for, aren’t they?). Try any dessert crepe on the menu and thank me later.

Tapas Barcelona
$5-8 for tapas, $14-17 per entree
Located at Chicago and Davis

Why bother with an entrée? Munch on a huge selection of tapas (a kind of Spanish appetizer) — they can more than constitute a full meal in Tapas Barcelona’s cute outdoor dining room. Choices range from the delicious Aceitunas Rellenas (fried Spanish olives stuffed with chorizo) to the even more scrumptious Chuletitas De Cordero (grilled lamb chops with cous cous, cabbage, shiitake mushrooms and bacon). Honestly, what’s not to like? With Tapas, you can’t go wrong.

Koi
$7-20 per entrée, $10-40 per sushi plate
Located at Chicago and Davis

For adventurous types with reliable digestive systems, Koi is the hipster’s go-to place for sushi and Japanese cuisine. Beautifully decorated and offering lavish plates of sushi and sashimi (straight-up raw cuts of fish), Koi can give your date a taste of the high life.

Affordable

The Lucky Platter
$10-15 per entree
Located at Chicago and Main

This self-proclaimed “funkalicious post-Hippy eclectic world cuisine” restaurant features entrées inspired by various cultures around the world (when do you ever see Tandoori grilled salmon and Tuscan roasted portabella on the same menu?). The fun, garage-sale-reject décor only adds to the restaurant’s charming, offbeat atmosphere.

Photo by Ricky Pai / North by Northwestern.

Flat Top
$11.99 flat rate for dinner
Located at Church and Orrington

Perfect for a fun, relaxed date, the DIY dinners at Flat Top are delicious, and what’s more, you can take credit for it! Pile your own choices of vegetables, noodles, meat and sauce into a bowl, and Flat Top’s chefs will throw it on the grill for you. Get as much as you want (dinner is unlimited for an extra buck) and try turning your stir-fry dish into soup or a wrap. I suggest switching with your significant other and surprising them with a personalized meal prepared by you. As for my own dessert secret, try putting only pineapple into your bowl and have it grilled. Yum! A warm, fruity treat, included in the price of dinner. Bring your WildCard for a discount.

Thai Sookdee
$7-10 per entree
Located at Church and Elmwood

This charming, delightful Asian restaurant is a reliable source of old favorites like Pad Thai, sweet and sour chicken and yellow, red or green curry. Benches topped with pillows are used in lieu of chairs; it almost feels like you’re eating in the home of an elderly Asian grandmother. Be sure to try the smoothies with tapioca pearls — my favorite flavors are mango and lychee.

Penny Pinchers

Photo by Ricky Pai / North by Northwestern.

Burger King
$5-8 per meal
Located at Church and Orrington

If you’re really in a tight money spot, Burger King always has your back. Why not get dressed up, bring your own white tablecloth, vase, and rose and order off BK’s dollar menu? In any case, if your love is strong enough, something as silly as a Whopper shouldn’t get in the way. Perhaps this year, save money on your anniversary and let your sense of humor and shared love of fast food bring you closer to your honey.

Armed with these ideas, you should be more than ready to take your sweetheart out for a good tasting time, no matter how much cash you have (or don’t have). Worry not about money, because regardless of whether you’re dining on seared sea scallops, spicy tuna rolls, or a double Whopper with cheese, your special night together should be about just that — being together. Just don’t forget your wallet “in your other pants.”

Centerpiece photo by alexandrechang on Flickr, licensed under the Creative Commons.

A very appropriate character to start this list, BK’s chief mascot somehow appealed to America while resembling a monster from a Tim Burton film. Just glance at The King and analyze: a plastic-faced member of royalty who sneaks up on unsuspecting persons and ambushes them with heart-clogging foodstuffs, ranging from Double Whoppers to breakfast sandwiches capable of derailing even the hardiest Elvis impersonator’s heart.

How can a being so otherworldly, so scary, so plastic possibly appeal to viewers not locked in an insane asylum? Such a mascot could have backfired big, making people swear off TenderCrisp sandwiches because of a creepy character. Instead of frightening a nation away from BK forever, however, The King somehow spoke to a generation of people desperate for the next ironic icon to latch onto and call their own. Burger King’s spooky spokesman went from demented concept to common conversation, as plenty of people (especially “uber-hip” college kids) talked about how The King was so creepy and weird, a topic exhausted so deeply I’m certain mothers in Third World nations now have views on the masked menace. The King generated buzz, but what keeps him so low on this list is that he hasn’t necessarily driven in the big bucks for BK. McDonald’s still reigns supreme (even with spots like this) while The King plays second fiddle. A very freaky fiddle.

9. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Today, R. Kelly or Trent Reznor or whoever can shit out a concept album about closets or George W. Bush or George W. Bush controlling the world from a closet. But back in the ’60s, albums served as veiled excuses to sell a couple amazing songs with a bunch of lame tracks tacked on for no reason. The Fab Four changed that with 1965’s Rubber Soul, the first LP ever where every track seemed listenable (writer’s note: OK, I have no proof that any album before Rubber Soul is completely listenable, but I’m a writer, it’s called hyperbole). Soon, bands released masterpieces such as Pet Sounds, and the album became respectable. So The Beatles took another risk and decided to create an album with a running theme throughout: Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Now, this album sort of cheats a bit, because it didn’t technically end up a concept album. Pepper’s initial idea was having a band performing a concert throughout the disc’s running time. The Beatles abandon this premise about two tracks in, bringing it back only once for a song near the end. Still, any gamble could have turned the album into The Beatles’ biggest flop of all time, an embarrassment on par with Metal Machine Music or Dylan Does the Dead. Instead, the group crafted their magnum opus, one of the best LPs in the history of music and a revolutionary disc that influenced every subsequent concept album ever made. Though, I guess any album ending with “Day in the Life” could never end up a miscue.

8. Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

You’d think a show revolving around semi-Neanderthal adults trying to outsmart 10-year-olds couldn’t possibly succeed in an intelligent nation like America, where flying, automobiles and the Kentucky Fried Chicken Famous Bowl were invented.

Now, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? is the most-watched show on Thursday nights. Guess America isn’t one big Mensa club after all.

7. The Super Bowl

Hard to imagine an event capable of bringing Prince in for halftime entertainment and making companies pay millions of dollars for thirty seconds of airtime as once a possible failure, but the Super Bowl wasn’t always a lock to be called an unofficial national holiday featuring an eight-hour pre-game show. Originally, the big game’s fate didn’t look so rosy.

The Super Bowl originally went by the long-winded moniker “AFL-NFL World Championship Game,” a collision between champions of the well-established National Football League and the upstart American Football League. Everything went wrong for the first game: It was held in the Los Angeles Coliseum, a massive (and ugly) stadium, and it didn’t come close to selling out, leaving tons of empty seats. Two networks broadcast the game (CBS and NBC), yet no footage of the game exists, as the networks taped over the original footage. More embarrassingly, NBC missed the second-half kickoff, so game officials stopped the game and redid the kick. U2 for halftime entertainment? Try marching bands.

But most glaringly, nobody thought the AFL would ever be able to compete with the NFL. Ever. And things looked grim, as the NFL’s Green Bay Packers trounced the AFL’s Kansas City Chiefs in the first game. But the bowl game pulled out some competition, thanks in part to the AFL’s New York Jets’ stunning upset of the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III and, even more influentially, Kansas City’s blowout win over the Minnesota Vikings in Super Bowl IV. Instead of being a failed experiment at pigskin perfection, the Super Bowl is the biggest day in American television and has tableware in its honor.

6. The Simpsons

Skits rarely transcend their original format and often fail as TV shows or movies, as anything ever based off an SNL sketch will attest. So, Fox’s decision to create an entire show based around short animated segments found on the so-so Tracy Ullman Show seemed like a big gamble. Add in the fact cartoons rarely appealed to grown-up demographics at the time (no Adult Swim to turn the minds of 20-something America into cookie batter), and a half-hour program completely drawn could be a complete network failure.

Eighteen seasons and endless catch phrases later, The Simpsons may very well be the greatest TV show of all time. Hopefully, The Simpsons Movie pulls off a similar underdog success story.

5. Superhero movies

Who are the harshest critics in the world? Indie-music fans? Supreme Court justices? RTVF kids? Nope, correct answer: geeks. The socially challenged people of the world attack plot continuity and poor design like hungry lions hunting gazelle. On message boards and blogs across the virtual land, they lie in wait, eyeing the latest piece of nerd-related media, ready to strike at the first sign of betrayal. The worst type of geek sniper is the comic book fiend, a kid caught up in the world of words in thought bubbles, ready to turn one graphic novel mishap into a scene reminiscent of the Salem witch trials.

The trend of studios putting out superhero movies could have ended in total disaster. One change to the beloved worlds of Spiderman or X-Men or whatever hero could have caused the geeks of the world to unite in a locust-like wave of nerd rage aimed at the studios responsible for mucking up their heroes. The studios got it right though, creating films very faithful to the source material (and just as action-packed) that won the nerdy masses over. In fact, a lot of geeks are defending Spider-Man 3, a film only those who have suffered serious head trauma can possibly enjoy, a sign Hollywood did especially well in winning the nerd demographic.

Though, I think even the ravenous nerds of the world can agree, The Punisher sucked. Real bad.

4. Westward expansion

America was a fine enough country with just the East Coast and the South, a nation on the rise and slowly becoming a player in the world scene. So why would the United States dare roam west, into unknown territory teeming with Native Americans, bison and the Midwest? As anyone whose played Oregon Trail can tell you, it seems like more trouble than it’s worth to pack up the covered wagon and go west, since you are only one click away from getting a fatal fever.

But the nation wasn’t deterred by the threat of Native American attacks or overplayed Facebook group-related accidents. Americans ventured into the great nothingness known as the Midwest, settling new areas along the way. Now, the whole westward expansion thing looks like a total flop if you look at the Midwest today (You got Chicago, the Mall of America and the world’s biggest ball of twine. Nothing else there.), but the pioneers weren’t dumb, and they kept going until they hit the greatest place in the entire world: the West Coast. California teemed with gold and became a hot spot (it still hasn’t cooled down), and even the Pacific Northwest flourished, still home to beautiful trees, majestic mountains and a glorious music scene. Heading west could have ended with nothing but a bunch of dead Americans, but instead the United States grew even stronger than it already had been. Plus, Pizza Hut was invented in Kansas. Never would have happened without the pioneers.

3. Titanic

Entertainment and history mix as well as Aaron Carter and success — not at all. The 1963 feature Cleopatra nearly bankrupted Fox, and The Patriot marked the beginning of Mel Gibson’s slow descent into madness. Hell, the only reason anyone saw Troy was because of Brad Pitt’s hiney. Most kids don’t view history class as a rip-roaring good time, but rather the perfect time for a nap before gym class.

James Cameron’s Titanic never should have blown up like it did. Centering on a romance aboard a doomed ship (many people “cleverly” pointed out at the time that everyone knew how the story ended), the film featured Leonardo DiCaprio, at the time best known for being the specially challenged boy in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, and a still-unknown Kate Winslet. How could a movie about love on a historically famous boat pull in big bucks, especially enough cash to make up the film’s $200 million budget? Plus, the damn film lasted longer than the Daytona 500.

But people loved it. Lured in by a schmaltzy love story and Leonardo DiCaprio’s adorable face (thanks, ladies), Titanic obliterated box office records and pulled in an astonishing $1.8 billion, enough to buy a small country. The film also swept the Academy Awards, becoming one of the highest-grossing and most-celebrated films of the ’90s. With a massive budget, a historically based story and relatively middle-of-the-road actors, Titanic should have never been such a hit (and definitely never made Warren Buffet-levels of money), but it broke through and became one of the biggest films of all time.

2. Dance Marathon

Philanthropy Guy A: Hey, we need a cool idea to raise money for worthy causes. What are some ways we can get students to donate lots of money for good while still having a good time?

Philanthropy Guy B: What if we had students raise money so they can take part in something really fun?

Philanthropy Guy A: Great! What should they do?

Philanthropy Guy B: How about we lock them in a room and make them dance around for 30 hours straight! No breaks, no sleep, no anything.

Philanthropy Guy A: …….

Seriously, who raises money (I don’t care how good the cause) to basically re-enact life at Guantanamo? No sane person should want to do that. But people love it! Hell, I’ve done the damn thing twice (once as a dancer, once as a blogger who actually stayed up even longer than the 30 hours) and I’d love to go back again. Kudos to the folks behind DM for getting people to participate in the hoedown of doom.

1. Weird video game controllers

You can sell a lot of crap to nerdy children (Remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Pokemon? Those shoes that had lights on them?) but one thing even the lamest kids never went for were novelty video game controllers. Only the most foolhardy children bought R.O.B., and the SNES Super Scope’s honking bazooka build kept it from being fun to play with outside of World War II reenactments in the backyard. And don’t even get me started on the Power Glove. Exotic video game controllers never appeal to anyone, even the loser kids spending most of their free time running around a sewer and dressed as an orc.

But two very unique controllers have not only taken off in video game circle, but have actually crossed over and become popular with the whole world. First off, the Nintendo Wii. Sony released the PlayStation and convinced the masses Nintendo was a “kiddie” system, a successful tactic, as the company with a plumber for a mascot sagged in sales compared to the Xtreme consoles put out by Sony and Microsoft. But now Nintendo is nearing the top once again, due to their new system, the Wii, which utilizes a bizarre controller. Players hold a remote, which looks sort of like the thing you use to change channels on your TV, and swing it about to affect actions on the screen. So, if I’m playing tennis, I swing it like a racket, or if I’m playing chef, I use it to stir stuff (no, this really does exist). The Wii has become the poster child for the latest generation of video games, taking off by luring in non-video game folks with the “Oooo, ahhhh, look how neat this is” factor, and appealed to the geekier side even while causing the bane of nerd existence (physical activity). Getting video game-centric kids to get up and move could win Nintendo the Nobel Prize.

More impressive is Guitar Hero, a music game made for arcades but sold for consoles. How do you play this game? Simple. You buy a $40 guitar-shaped controller and start strumming. This shouldn’t work at all. Nobody should want to shell out a nice-meal-out amount of money for a goofy-looking controller for a game which is basically Dance Dance Revolution featuring bad metal songs instead of brain-melting J-pop. But Guitar Hero is one of the most popular games around today, transcending its dumb controller concept to appeal to the masses. To be fair, Guitar Hero does offer escapist fantasies for many people: For the nerdy folks, it is there one chance to do something “cool” and impress their more popular peers, while it’s also the perfect outlet for alpha males/jocks/frat dudes/assholes to RAWK OUT WITH THEIR C*CK OUT without actually learning an interesting skill. Basically, it’s the Warped Tour in your living room.

By soaring above the greatest social barrier of our time (the social/dweeb divide) and uniting both Pikes and Paladins to swing at virtual baseballs and strum along to bad Iron Maiden songs, these kooky-controller games that could have ended up in the discount bin take top prize.

A toast to those who, on a daily basis, deal with us, the alcoholics of Northwestern. I’m talking the employees of White Hen, the patrons of Burger King, and the paid-a-lot-but-clearly-not-paid-enough students who drive SafeRide.

There are not enough drinks in the world for me to drink in your honor.

As previously mentioned, I do know what it is like to be the only sober person in a ten mile radius. In a nutshell, it sucks. Drunk people are emotional, loud, and unable to control most of their bodily functions. Though I’ve only taken SafeRide maybe twice in my career (a drunk person knows no fear) I have frequented White Hen almost daily, and BK perhaps two to three times a month. The only thing worse than acting a fool at one of these locales when you’re drunk is going in the next day and knowing that they’re judging you.

Let’s start with White Hen. The employees of White Hen are not only understanding to your plight for the perfect drunk snack or the perfect box of cigarettes, they are only too willing to help you out. Something gives me the feeling that they’ve been there before. Or that they are there right now and are just trying to help a fellow inebriated person out. Mohawk Guy (who is leaving next week for Colorado! What will we do!?) will give you a good sandwich recommendation and tell you about whatever show he has coming up with his band. Beard Guy will listen to you drone on and on about whatever happened to you at the party while silently laughing at you. Dreadlocks Guy will terrify you with stories about how the world is going to end, which is actually not very helpful when you’re drunk.

The best part about going to White Hen drunk? All of the cops. It gives you a sense of danger and urgency, making sure you get home quickly, lest you get arrested while they help themselves to some White Hen coffee. In reality, these cops are also just laughing at you, chuckling to themselves as you buy three sandwiches “for your roommates,” even though you’re going to eat them by yourself. My absolute favorite part of White Hen is trying to pretend I’m sober, even though no one (except for the employees and the cops) goes to White Hen between the hours of 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. if they’re sober. I go to White Hen because for twenty minutes, I can feel like I am laughing with the employees and cops, even though I wake up in the afternoon and know they were laughing at me.

Here’s to you, White Hen. Thank you for your delicious sandwiches and overpriced food items. Even though you may soon be a 7-Eleven, I’ll never forget you.

Next, of course, is Burger King. They put in a lounge and TVs, which was probably the nicest thing they could do for those of us who don’t count calories because we can’t remember eating. The employees of BK should really be used to the drunken hoards that invade every night after about 1 a.m. and yet they always seem surprised to see us. Not only surprised, but annoyed. They don’t have the twinkle in their eyes that the White Hen guys have. No, the BK guys have disdain for the drunkies. Even though I’m sure half of their income is made from drunk kids who order two separate meals because they want to taste the difference between a Whopper and a Stacker, they do not appreciate the drunk kids. The security guard on the other hand, has a field day. He’s not like a regular mom, he’s a cool mom that lets you drink in his house and doesn’t give you a hard time about it. He’ll talk to you about your major and your life plans and even about the skank who stole your man. Yes, the security guard outshines the BK employees by a long shot.

After parties get broken up, BK becomes the social event of the evening — a veritable “who’s who” of campus celebrities. Slurred words don’t matter because you can order food based on numbers alone. People hook up in the bathroom. People hook up in the lounge. Hell, I’ve seen people hook up in line before their mouths taste like burgers and grease.

So thank you, BK. For giving us a cheap and easy afterparty. Even though I still contend that there should be more people working at night so we don’t have to wait as long, I understand that it’s a lot to ask. Maybe next year.

And finally, SafeRide. Though I’m not really a patron of SafeRide, I salute them for doing what no one else wants to do: DD. According to the school, SafeRide is not actually a designated driver service, but they might as well be. With new regulations and rules, it’s less possible to jam a ton of your friends into a car to get a ride somewhere before you all throw up on each other. Still, the chance that these drivers will have to clean up vomit is a risk they take on a daily basis. One time I saw a SafeRide driver at Jewel Osco picking up a case of beer. I doubt that the driver drank during his/her shift, but the idea really keeps me grounded. These kids also want to be out drinking, but they’re sacrificing their nights so that we can engage in our own buffoonery.

It should probably be named “Moderately-SafeRide” based on the number of near-collisions that I’ve witnessed in my day, but at least they’re trying. I’ll always think that they should up the number of SafeRide cars and drivers, and that people should be allowed to flag down a SafeRide, much like a taxi. I just spent all of my money buying shots, so I don’t have enough money for a taxi. Why not let a fellow student help me out? They should also have a tip jar, because drunk kids love parting with their money in out-of-control ways. But what do I know? I’m just a drunk kid.