DTMYM Ep. 1 Transcript

Malena: Hey guys, my name is Malena.

Allison: I’m Allison.

Hannah: My name’s Hannah.

M: And we are your hosts and freshmen here at Northwestern. This is Don’t Tell Me Your Major, an interview podcast where we avoid getting to know people on the surface level, with questions like what their major is, where they’re from, and how old they are, but try to get to know them on a more profound level.  That’s how you really know the kind of person someone is rather than judging them on pre-established stereotypes.

Today it’s just us, the co-hosts, so you guys can get to know us a little more  before we start talking to others! And, um, just an update, all of us have the freshman plague.

A: Sorry, I’m hacking my lungs out.

M: Yeah, so if you hear us coughing, that’s why. But the first order of business – the first question I’m going to ask is: If you had to get a tattoo right now, what would it be? Allison, you’re up first.

A: Okay, I’ve actually planned this for a really long time. My 18th birthday is coming up, and I’m going to get a little music note, like an eighth note, tattooed on the inside of my middle finger in white ink so that my parents don’t see it. So don’t tell my mom, ‘cause I’m not allowed to have a tattoo, because I’m going to get disowned. But, yeah I’ve been planning on getting that for a long time.

H: The ones on the inside of your fingers –

A: They’re so pretty.

H: They rub off though.

A: I know, that’s the point, like –

H: Oh! You’re not going to show it to anyone.

A: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just in case my mom ever catches me, like, in a couple years it’ll be faded so it won’t be a big deal.

H: So I wanted to get a matching tattoo with my sister, but I’m scared, because whenever we fight, I’d be like “f**k you!” but then you have them tattooed on your body.

M: I love that, I love that. Ok, so mine is like, I wanted to get this tattoo that’s like a circle but like it isn’t closed. So it’s a circle that almost closes but doesn’t –

A: That’s so unsatisfactory.

M: No, I know, but the whole point is–

A: I wouldn’t want that!

M: The whole point is that like, there’s this quote I like that says, “some things don’t come full circle.” And it’s just getting used to things not going your way.

H: That’s much deeper than ours.

A: I was about to say that! I was like, “I want a music note.” And she was like, “some things, they just don’t come full circle.”

M: Ok, ok.

A: We’re the bad co-hosts right here.

M: Oh my gosh. No, ok so, my next question is, what is your favorite thing about yourself? Do you guys know, off the top of your head?

A: Nose goes!

M: Nose goes?

A: Alright Hannah you’re up.

H: Ummm, hair, it’s flowy and long.

M: Is it like, annoying to blow out though?

H: Yeah, yeah, so annoying.

A: You know she never blow dries her hair?

M: Really? Oh, we have an audience member, just so you guys know.

A: Yeah, my roommate. She just lives with wet hair. I don’t know how she does it.

M: I never blow dry my hair either. But it’s because mine is like, shoulder length, so it’s not a big deal.

A: Oh it is?

M: Yeah.

A: I thought it was long.

M: No it’s not that long. But anyways I think my favorite thing about myself is... I like my eyebrows.

A: You do have nice eyebrows.

M: They’re a lot of work, but I never have to fill them in. Like I feel so bad for people who have to fill in their eyebrows.

H: Okay, okay! Fine.

A: Your eyebrows are fine too, what do you mean?

M: Okay, what about you Allison?

A: My favorite thing...I guess is that I’m not an awkward person, so like it has saved me from many a potentially awkward situation. Y’know? So yeah, I feel like I’m pretty chill.

M: Yeah, that’s fair. I love that I said my eyebrows. Like my personality sucks, like it just sucks.

A: Jesussss.

M: No. Ok. What can you not live without? Like what is the one thing you can’t live without? And it can be basic.

A: Does it have to be a material object?

M: Do maybe one material object and one non-material object.

A: (under breath) Are my boobs showing?

H: Nobody can see them!

M: This is a podcast, Allison.

A: I meant to you! But ok. Material – WAIT why am I always going first, you go!

M: Ok, ok.

H: I don’t know. I wanted to say something funny, but I don’t want to say something stupid like oxygen, water.

*Censor Beep*

M: Hannah! You can’t say that word! Oh my gosh.

A: Beep.

M: We’re gonna have to censor that.

A: Sorry guys, we’re not American.

M: Yeah so, some context is, the reason why we all know each other is we’re all international kids.

A: Ok shut up Malena, you’re American. Hannah and I are not. Please forgive us if we say something un-PC.

M: Okay so one thing I couldn’t live without is kind of like, my international friends. That’s one of my deeper answers –

A: (sarcastically) I don’t feel the same way.

M: (sarcastically) She could just get rid of us. (continued from before) ...Because I like having a wide worldview. Like a worldview where I could know people from all around the world and get their perspectives. And they all have such different lifestyles that it’s so much fun to hang out with them because there’s always something new to do and always good new food to eat. What about you guys?

A: What’s your material thing?

M: Uh, probably my phone.

A: Yeah.

M: I’m pretty addicted to Snapchat.

H: Yeah, it’s true, phone.

A: Ok, I’m going to think of something less shallow than that. So what’s your other thing?

H: Yeah, I couldn’t live without friends. That would just suck.

A: Oh really, would it now?

M: Nah, I always wanted to become a hermit. That was my thing. Just be a hermit.

A: Um, I would say I can’t live without music. I’m constantly listening to music, my airpods always run out of battery. Umm... I’m trying to think of a material thing. Like, I don’t know.

M: Well, can I just say... Can we have a quick tangent? Airpods are like the biggest scam. Like the fact that the headphone jack is the same as your charging jack on your Apple phone, and then you can’t plug them into your laptop. And then you have to charge your airpods, and they’re like 100 dollars…

A: Well that’s not –

H: Yeah, no I agree.

A: You don’t have to connect your Airpods to your computer. It’s bluetooth.

M: Yeah I know but they’re always running out of battery and they cost like 200 dollars.

A: The battery lasts like five hours how long are you listening to music??

H: When you’re on the plane, if you’re like a long long plane ride…

A: Oh! When I’m on the plane I use like the ones with the wires, but Airpods for the casual walking around the streets.

H: I dislike them. So this is a funny story, but I had Airpods for a while, and I didn’t actually buy them. I FOUND them.


H: I found them.

M: Oh no, you’re THAT person.

H: So my mom found them, on the beach. Somewhere…

A: Ok well you know what, they probably weren’t going to come back for them anyways. You might as well have kept them.

H: And we were trying to ask around people, if they were theirs, because we had some friends there. Couldn’t find them. So we just kept them, disinfected them, and my mom was like –

A: Disinfected them???

M: Just have random people’s –

H: I’m not going to have their ears in my ears!

A: Your ears in their ears?

H: And, long story short, I realized I don’t like airpods. Prefer the headphones.

M: The Ancients.

A: I like to put my phone in my back pocket when I’m walking, and to have that cord – it like rips out of my ears if I move the wrong direction and I get so f**cking frustrated, so [Airpods] are nice to have.

H: I also heard this thing about airpods giving you cancer or whatever.

A: Yeah dude, everything gives you cancer.

M: Dude, just live in a bubble.

A: Yeah, like bacon, everything gives you cancer.

M: Ok. Speaking of, we’ve been eating cheerios in the background if you guys are hearing chewing noises. I don’t know how great this mic is but maybe you’re hearing chewing noises right now –

A: Hannah just dropped a hairball on my lap.


A: Guys this is her most treasured possession, so like –

H: Long hair, you just leave a trail of hair everywhere you go.

M: Yeah that’s her favorite trait guys: her hairballs.

A: Yeah, Sammie and I always have to vacuum our room, because like my hair is everywhere.

M: Oh my gosh. Yeah are you guys really excited to listen to other episodes of this podcast now? We’re really great people. But so basically we were eating cheerios on the side and that led me to my next question: what is your favorite snack?

A: Myself.

H: Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

M: Oh my gosh guys. Allison you are hereby banned from this podcast. Her favorite snack is herself. Oh my gosh.

H: Actually something weird though, peanut butter and fruit. So, I never liked peanut butter because I wasn’t from the U.S.

M: So only Americans can like peanut butter?

H: No but it’s a very American thing to like peanut butter.

A: Yeah, yeah. Yeah it is.

H: So I came to the U.S. and I hated it. Two weeks into being in America, I love it. Love peanut butter.

A: Have you ever had like, the Rx bars?

H: No.

A: Um, ok.

M: It’s like a kind of granola bar they call Rx bars.

A: But then they make peanut butter and it’s like honey cinnamon flavor and it’s so – you should try it. But my favorite snack is... myself. Well actually, no. I would say, ramen.

M: OOOOO. Ramen’s a good snack.

A: Yeah, but not like the sh***y kind that Malena eats, like the f**king cup noodle top ramen s**t.

M: HEY! That’s good s**t.

A: No no no no no. You have to have like shin ramyun.

M: That’s good Korean ramen, for those uncultured people out there. Just kidding, I had no idea what it was until like two months ago.

H: I had no idea what it was.

A: Uncultured.

M: I think mine is... I like a solid pretzel crisp and hummus. Um, I mess with that. I also mess with dry Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

A: You mess with it?

M: You know what.

A: You mess with it?

M: Ok. It slaps.

A: You haven’t had it in a hot minute?

M: Um, and then so I like some Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

A: Can.

M: Some dry Cinnamon Toast Crunch is really good. Oh my gosh they’re making – you guys will get used to my catchphrases eventually. So my last question for this podcast, we’re going to wrap things up, is what makes you feel most empowered? We’re going to wrap it up on a positive note, get everyone empowered on this podcast, our listeners.

A: What does empowered mean? Like I know what it means but in what context?

M: Mine is my bad b***h playlist.

A: In what capacity – oh.

M: Definitely. If I’m walking and am having a trash day, and I put on some J Cole, I can walk anywhere, I can do anything.

A: J Cole qualifies as bad b***h?

M: Like the song that’s like “count it up, count it up, count it up, count it.”

A: His songs are so mellow!

M: No, some of his songs are mellow, but some of his songs are hype, so his hype songs. Some cupcakKe, I don’t know, Lizzo, anyways. Lizzo’s kinda mainstream.

A: cupcakKe, like Deep Throat?

M: Yeah. Like there’s a song called Deep Throat by cupcakKe.

A: Hannah was supposed to make me a bad b***h playlist but she never did because she was preoccupied.

H: So I make bad b***h playlists for all my friends who are sad about boys.

A: And you didn’t make me one! I didn’t get one!

M: She owes a bunch of people bad b***h playlists.

A: I’m sad.

M: Update: We all have broken hearts.

A: I was sad, where is my playlist?

H: I’m gonna make you one.

A: Oh but I’m over it now, so there’s no use.

H: F**k.

M: So what made you feel empowered when you were sad about that? What made you feel empowered afterwards?

A: Sammie feeding me bagel bites when I was crying, like on my bed, she brought me my towel. She wiped my tears but I got eyeliner on the towel and then she like fed me bagel bites. She was like “ahhhh.”

M: Awww.

A: No, I would say singing, for me. Yeah.

M: Cause Allison’s a really good singer, hopefully she sings on our podcast one day. Alright, you’re up. Last one. What makes you feel most empowered Hannah?

H: Music. But like playing music. So I play the piano.

M: You do?! How did I not know this??

A: You do??

H: Yeah!

A: Why don’t you play for me?

M: See guys? This is getting to know people!

H: That’s pretty nice.

A: Hey Hannah, what’s your major?

M: And on that note, let’s end this before we find out each others’ majors. Thank you guys so much for listening. Tune in in a couple weeks and we’ll have someone else to talk to. This has been Don’t Tell Me Your Major on NBN Audio. Thanks so much.