i had a nightmare last night that my hair had grown out long again.
disembodied, i watched myself look in a bathroom mirror.
i couldn’t recognize the person standing in front of the glass
and they couldn’t recognize their own reflection.
all three of us stared at each other
through the veils separating our realities.
strangers.

a few inches, that’s all it took
to alienate me from myself.
my heart pounded when i felt the thick locks
between my fingers.
haunting reminders of a past life,
ghosts of the character i used to play
and the wig i wore to look the part.
dream logic convinced me
this deformity was permanent,
that i was condemned to return
to this former half-self.

i live in fear of my body’s betrayal
a single long strand could strangle me,
a softness in the wrong place could reveal me.
when i speak, i know my own voice will indict me.
this corporeal form is a liar i must silence—
muffle it under loose fabric, arrange in an inconspicuous pose,
modify, battle, obscure and deny.

i am probed by every self-declared taxonomer
who can classify me in one unforgiving glance.
before i can protest, my appearance speaks for me.
if i am superficial, i am only trying to maintain eye contact
with the people observing me. can you blame me
for floating on the surface of a shallow world?
i fight to be seen the only way i know how.

hair is the fine line protecting me from the appearance of femininity.
it is the millimeter boundary i set between myself and the binary,
a flimsy cover, but at least some sense of security.
i arm myself with aesthetics, ready to kill
the girl that onlookers perceive in my place.
in my nightmares i see myself defenseless,
at the mercy of assumptions.

yet when i wake, when i run my hands over my head
and feel the reassuring prickles, i know the relief is temporary.
i can trim and i can shapeshift,
i can mold myself like clay
but i will always be performing,
fighting to externalize an invisible experience.
yet, there’s freedom in futility.
that’s the thought that lets me rest.

*Article thumbnail "Oster Classic 76 Hair Clipper" by Mr.TinDC is licensed for use under CC BY-ND 2.0.