We’ve all joked that 2020 seems like the apocalypse, but what happened in the parallel universe where instead of sliding toward a dystopia straight out of a teen novel, society became a utopia? Take a trip through the 2020 that isn’t The Darkest Timeline.
YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA IS FREE OF PUB PUSHES FOR A WHOLE WEEK For the first time since Wildcat Welcome, you see the faces of fellow students as you scroll, instead of gaudy graphics with too many exclamation points.
ALLISON SERVES FOOD THAT ISN’T RICE Students arrive at Allison Dining Hall during dinner hours to find a wide array of flavorful entrées, none of which involve any sort of rice or squash. “The food ... it tasted like something,” says a shocked second-year, bewildered but satisfied.
BOBB-McCULLOCH FINALLY TORN DOWN All residents are temporarily housed at local bars or abandoned warehouses, which they describe as “too clean” and “too quiet.”
EVERYONE IN ORGANIC CHEMISTRY GETS AN A The event will later be dramatized by an RTVF student in a feature-length film, entitled “Mayday to A-Day: The Story of One Class and Their Mission to Understand Organic Chemistry (Based on a True Story).”
MEDILL SCRAPS PERSON ON THE STREET Evanston residents and students alike breathe a sigh of relief. Local businesses turn their greatest profits ever, since residents are no longer afraid to walk the streets.
CHICAGOLAND ANIMAL SHELTERS CLEARED IN MASS ADOPTIONS BY RESIDENTIAL COLLEGES Seeing a paw print inside the dorm no longer means fears of rogue skunks that have somehow obtained Wildcards.
THERE’S A GREAT LINE-UP AND PERFECT WEATHER FOR DILLO The right mix of well-liked and up-and coming musicians pleases music snobs and casual listeners alike, and the emergency room sees only light traffic.
THE DAILY NORTHWESTERN GETS RID OF ITS OPINION PAGE A much-needed exorcism of devil’s advocate.
FIVE McCORMICK STUDENTS CURE CANCER OVER SUMMER BREAK The group says they were “bored” and needed “something to put on the résumé for grad school.”
WILDCAT WELCOME PLAYS A VARIETY OF MUSIC, PROTECTING FIRST-YEARS FROM HAVING AN ENTIRE ARTIST’S CATALOG RUINED FOR THEM Pour one out for anyone who still can’t listen to Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts.”
DANCE MARATHON AMBASSADORS GIVE UP AFTER POLITELY ASKING ONE STUDENT TO JOIN Students are seen walking around campus just for fun, basking in their newfound freedom from jump-scare interactions with registration hawks.
CAESAR FINALLY GETS A USABLE CLASS REGISTRATION INTERFACE Who knew planning your quarter didn’t have to be an intricate web of stress, spreadsheet skills and data science? Certainly not the Registrar’s office.
EVERLASTING WORLD PEACE NEGOTIATED BY A SESP CAPSTONE CLASS
‘CATS WIN THE B1G 10 CHAMPIONSHIP Suck it, Ohio State.
‘CATS WIN THE ROSE BOWL Hey, if we can have world peace, the ‘Cats can have the Rose Bowl.
