I’m thinking about her

She’s putting dots on my face

First breach of fragile, physical space

I decide I must work to erase

These feelings based on nothing, a lust for lust’s sake.

I’m considering her

I expected to find someone vain

The kind of girl wholly outside of my lane

Instead I see a wonderful friendship to gain

If only I could stop the strange flitting in my heart.

I’m wondering about her

Her head’s on my chest but our conversation is finer

I could take her places—wine her and dine her

Let the moment ignite our desire

She rejects me so softly. Kamikaze butterflies drown in waves of kindness and compassion.

I’m contemplating her

She’s across from me on the subway

Her presence eliminates all the day’s gray

I worry the feelings aren’t going away

“She said no,” I chide myself. “Let it go.” She said no. Let it go. She said no. Let it go. She said

I’m doubting her

We’re in an Uber and her hand fits so naturally in mine

I want more control over matters so fine

When we are together everything aligns

Sobriety and subtlety elude me like warm winter days.

I’m pondering her

She’s awake at 4:30 in my bed

Next to my firework friend, who’s out like lead

I’m in the shower, trying to clear my head

From the alcohol. I just threw up. She’s asking if I am okay. I expected her to be asleep. Her naked, genuine concern kicks me in the face.

I’m ruminating about her

I feel like vomiting “sorry” more than tequila and lime

She said I didn’t do anything wrong, far from crossing any line

Firework friend confirms I am fine

He begs caution, self-preservation, and less aggressive cuddling. Once more, the elephant fails to tiptoe like a mouse.

Drunk, again– So stupid– I should have– I didn’t mean to– Why didn’t I just–
If only she–